I placed my microphone in the stand
walked down off the stage and sat next to my children
the long cushioned church pew was completely empty other than
the four of us.
It seemed to scream how alone we were
I debated faking a coughing spell, gathering my things
and booking it out of there
Instead, I buckled down the hatches and knew we were
there to stay. We were no longer a family of 5,
the dream of 7 had gone and
we sat there...now a family of 4
As the pastor began speaking I scooped my three little ones closer
to my side and waited in anticipation of how the
Lord was going to speak to my heart and theirs
Oh how we needed to hear from Him and His Word
The pastor was barely able to get the Scripture for the day read
before our pew started going downhill
I bent down to correct my youngest to tell him to listen
He then proceeded to make random squeaking noises
At that point he had become a distraction
I took his little hand in mine and led him out
As the sanctuary doors closed he became very resistant to any
type of leading. I had to carry him in the bathroom
As I walked in the stall I told him that I was going to spank
him for his disobedience
As I did, my little boy took my arms and squeezed them
He scratched at me and then brought his hand back
and hit me
In that moment my heart broke
He was hurting so badly
He had lost so much
He was brokenhearted
and quite frankly...that little boy was angry
his entire world had fallen apart and he could do
nothing about it. He could not change one
thing that had been done to his life.
He simply had to deal with whatever came his way
I knew I had to deal with his actions
but ultimately I had to deal with his heart
In my "sunday best" high heels and all
I sat right on the toilet seat and scooped that little boy
up into my arms
He screamed and cried
all I knew to do was sit there and
sob right along with him.
My heart ached to watch my little boy grieve
I wanted to fix it for him
but instead I had to just hold him and let him hurt
Im not sure what the pastor said that morning
but as I sat there loving my precious Caleb
I KNEW that is how the Father felt for me
Caleb wrestled against me holding him but never one time
climbed down off my lap. He was hurting and had no idea how to
get it out of his system. We sat there until we stopped crying
We dried out eyes and walked back into a sanctuary filled with
people who had no idea that we were really falling apaprt
I sat the rest of the sermon realizing that the Father allows
me to come to Him in any condition
When Im screaming at Him and asking Him
WHY
When I cry out to Him for my next breath
He is there
When I wrestle against the fact that He is Sovereign
yet it all went so poorly
He is there
Soothing my heart in a way that only my
Heavenly Father can. While I can not fix my children's hearts
I know that the Lord can indeed heal my wounds
and theirs
He allows me to wrestle, be angry, hit the steering wheel as hard a I
can, bang on the wall., scream until it hurts my own ears
( which I didn't even know was possible)
.He allows me to act out in my human
anger and hurt..all the while he holds me near to His heart
Allowing His heartbeat to constantly guide my broken and weary spirit
Bringing me to the foot of the cross and helping
me lay my burdens down
They are not gone but He carries them with me
and sometimes...when Im laying in the floor of the closet
unable to move..He carries them FOR me
How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
