They've always been HIS

 

 

This week I learned that Chloe and Eli will not be coming home

I will give no detail as this is private and very painful
I would appreciate you respecting my privacy during this time
and refrain from asking questions

I know that our journey to these two precious babies has been lived
so publicly. I know so many of you have loved us through each step
of this. Right now, I just ask for time and space.
My heart is breaking

I want each of you to know that I would appreciate your prayers for me
and my family. The losses seem too great.
However, I trust that the Father is working even now
 I trust that He will carry us through this

I choose to TRUST Him
because He faithful

 

He is Faithful

 

 

 

 

As I began this journey to Chloe and Eli I would have

never thought that I'd be sitting here tonight with empty

hands. I truly felt that I would be tucking two more precious

babies in the bed snuggling them close. I had pictured holding

their sweet faces in my hands and telling them every day forever

just how much they are loved. I can close my eyes and picture it now.

I had debated on bedtime songs and had landed firmly on

Jesus Loves Me & You are My sunshine

I wanted them to hear the name of Jesus and I wanted them to KNOW

his love for them...then you are my sunshine because I have been

singing that to my babies since Alyssa was born. Its a classic :)

I knew what I would say to them when I held them for the first time

I couldn't wait to land on DRC soil and know that this was the temporary home

that had held two of the most valuable treasures in my heart.

I can almost feel the weight of them in my arms. Their little hands on my

shoulder and their sweet cheeks pressed against mine. This is the aching heart of

a mommy.

 

I truly believed that the waiting and aching portion of the journey would be over

by now. I had it all planned out. I really did. I had bought them Christmas

pajamas and had hung them in their rooms. They would be home to celebrate

with us and i couldn't wait! Quickly that month faded into the next and into

the next. Now its April and the reality is that my reality is nothing like

I thought it would be.

 

Every day I open my eyes to a new hurt

a new loss has taken place of the one that yesterday brought

At times I sense the waters rising so high and at times they

threaten to overtake me. However, it is now that I cling to Him

While the earth seems to be unsteady and constantly giving way

around me...He is faithful!

Please know that He is good! Even in the midst of the unclear He is so

faithful. He allows the waters to rage yet He gives

a peace in the midst of it all. One that truly passes ALL

understanding.  He alone is good and He

alone is God. We truly live in a fallen world.

Sin affects us all.

 The sins

of others fall on us and change our world forever.

 Children don't come home,

families crumble, people break, wars wage, good people die, friendships end,

...The earth GIVES way

While those things around us seem to come at a rapid pace

and consume us...let us, in our pain, offer a sacrifice of praise to

the Father. For HE is GOOD.

 

I want people to look at my life and know that I believe that

Even when it all seems to fall apart I praise Him for I know He

has not abandoned me

 

I believe with ALL of my heart that God redeems those

places in our lives that seem so very broken.

He makes all things new!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Into the Deep

 

 

There are some lessons that can be learned from shore

yet there are others that have to be learned in the deepest parts of the water

 

In Luke 5 Jesus is walking along the shoreline

The crowd was gathering around Him, ready to listen and learn

He then saw two boats and got into one belonging to Simon

He pushed off the edge a bit and continued teaching

after He was done He told Simon to head out to the deeper part and

cast his net

Simon had been fishing all night with no luck!

However, he trusted and threw his nets over...

he then began catching so many fish that his nets began to break!

He signaled for his fishing partners in a boat near by and they too began collecting

so many fish that their boats began to sink

Simon fell to his knees and was amazed!!

 

Jesus could have shown Simon miracles on the shoreline

but He had to take him to the deep  to leave him speechless

Glory was further brought to the Father by the miracle

in the deep. Simon had been working all night...striving for results,

I can imagine the physical and mental exhaustion that must have come over

him as he struggled hour after hour. Putting all energy and efforts in with nothing to

show for it.

 

Sometimes the lessons can be learned on the shore and other times...

we have to be in the deep waters

of disappointment, sorrow and anger. We have to

cease striving and listen for the Father's voice to show us when

to cast our nets.  May it all be for His glory. No matter what that

looks like. May His name be known by the miracles in the deep

 

I want to be left speechless

I want to stand in awe of who He is

I want to have Him be the very air I breath and if

I can't learn it on the shoreline

I pray He would take me further into the deep

I would rather be in the deep waters  with HIM
than on the shore without Him.

 

 

 

 



Come To Me ~

 

 

I am the Lord your God

I go before you now

I stand beside you

and I'm all around you

and though you feel Im far away

Im closer than your breath

I am with you

more than you know

 

I am the Lord your peace
No evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind
Come into my rest
And oh, let your faith arise
And lift up your weary head
I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
And I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you
I’m your faithful strength
And I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved
Ohhhh

I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Heyyyy
Just come to me, come to me
Cause I’m all that you need
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I am reminded of Peter stepping onto the sea..

the waves crashed all around

His steps were first bold and brave

He stayed afloat until

He turned to the right and  left

dropping his gaze from Jesus

In his sinking, realizing he could not silence the

storm...he looked to Jesus and cried out " save me"
Immediately the Lord grabbed his hand
even in his weak faith, the Lord saved him.
When Peter was consumed with fear,
when the winds stirred
and the waves rose...
Jesus was still faithful to save those crying
out to Him
 

Today that is where my heart sits

trying to understand the surroundings

even trying to steady the storm

but He is not calling me to that

No, He is calling me unto Himself

Calling me to stretch out my hand to Him

in faith and rest

He will steady my steps as the storms surge

As I grope in the darkness for my next step 

He is my ever present Help

 

I know that He is good

I know that He alone is God

He is calling me to lift my  head

and set my gaze on Him.

I stand, though weary, on His promises

and through it all I praise Him

Even Now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

I came across this picture tonight and felt  it was perfect for the

way that my world feels right now.

 

The road ahead is covered with unknowns.

It seems  the more I strain my eyes to catch a glimpse of

what tomorrow may hold the darker it grows.

 

Fear threatens to take up residence in my heart

I want to know what is around the next corner

Yet the reality of today is that the path is

dark and unknown

 

All I know is that He is in control

 

I bask in the few feet of light that He is giving me.

Sometimes I have found  myself sitting in a total blackout

Even in the darkest hours..His whispers of love echo

through the walls of my heart.

 

 

I know Who goes before me

I know that while my circumstances break my heart

and cause more questions than I will ever have answers for..

He is faithful

 

Tonight in the darkness I hold on to His promises

 

I choose to trust Him even now

When my heart longs to know when and why

I will reach for Him

I will continue praying for a glimpse of tomorrow

I will continue praying that Chloe and Eli will come home

I will continue praying that He will MOVE mountains for our family

but if nothing turns out the way I thought it would...I will still offer Him

my praise. For He is and always will be worthy of it ALL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I choose to CELEBRATE

Chloe and Eli

 

Yesterday was YOUR birthday!

What an amazing day it was!

 

I had spent a lot of time this week being sad.

Sad that you weren't in our arms

Sad that you couldn't hear my voice sing happy birthday

There were so many things that I was focusing on that I was going

to be missing.

 

However, when I woke up yesterday, I didn't feel sad

Instead I felt a sense of JOY

You have been on this earth for THREE years

So many things have happened in your lives

So much loss, so many heartaches in your short three years

However, the Lord has kept you!
He has never left you alone.

He has proven in your precious lives that HE is a Father to the

fatherless. How He loves you with a love beyond measure!

 

Feb 3 2010 will always be an amazing special day!

Its the day that you were given life!

Its the day that God began your sweet stories here on this earth.

What a journey it has been.

 

I pray that soon I will be able to hold you in my arms and celebrate

every milestone from here on out. Until then, I have a peace that your Creator

has you firmly in His grip. You are LOVED Eli and Chloe!

 

Happy Birthday Sweet Babies!

Happy Birthday Chloe and Eli

 

 

Sweet Babies

TODAY

Feb 3

is your

BIRTHDAY!

 

 

 

 

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth"

Psalm 139:15

 

 

Today, we are going to take pictures ALL day so that you can know that we were thinking about you!!

 

Know that we love you more than you could ever know!

Even more...know that your Heavenly Father has loved your with a love beyond measure

You are SPECIAL and LOVED!!