No Longer Slaves

 

 

One Day

My head and my heart will understand that I am safe

 

truly and completely safe

 

Healing...takes....TIME

 

 I've cried out so often

for the Lord to  take this from me. To heal my heart

and my head. I've fought so hard to try and "fix"

 my brain. I have tried to rewire it in any way I can think of

I've tried everything I know to do...everything...

  I just can't fix this broken piece of me

and for whatever reason the Lord has allowed me to

continue walking in brokenness in this area of my life

 

 

I began singing through this song in order to practice

and prepare to sing it Sunday

I couldn't help but feel strange singing it

 

"Im no longer a slave to fear"

 

Was I actually able to say that... truthfully?

I knew the answer was no

I had just walked out of the counselor's office

hours earlier

 

I picked up the phone and text Derek

I shared with him that I really didn't think I could

sing this song this week. I can't get up and proclaim

that Im no longer a slave to fear...when in reality

my life is crippled by fear

my life is completely controlled at times by it.

 

The song goes on to say

"You split the sea so I could walk right through it"

 

I also was sharing with him the reality that I didn't see the

Lord splitting any seas for us. In fact, at times

the waters seemed to rage harder than ever before

As Derek sits in Africa without the promise of children

coming home. There is no evidence some days of His hand

no clear displays of His power in these situations in my life

 

The Lord gently whispered the reminder to my heart of that next line

 

I AM A CHILD OF GOD

 

My heart was taken immediately to the reality that though I may not see His

hand, I am His and He is for me

and HE is on the MOVE

 

The picture of the Israelites came to mind.

They had just left Egypt

ahead of them was the sea

behind them was Pharaoh's army

They were not aware of God's plan's for them

They were not aware that He was on the move

in the midst of the chaos

They were overcome by the fear of what was seen

They assumed they were going to die... I mean, their

options were walk out into the ocean and drown

or fight Pharaoh's army. They had NO idea

that God was about to part the sea and allow

them to cross ON DRY GROUND

 

The Lord gently lead my heart to the reality that

He is working in ways that we may not see...

for an outcome that He knows is for our good

 

My heart aches that my brain is not better today

My heart aches that there is no clear answer to

the adoption of Luke and Levi

Im angry and sad that neither of those things seem to be

going well

However, He is working

 

The truth is that He is slowly peeling back the sea

in my life

one wave at a time

 

With each wave, He is healing

With each wave, He is drawing us nearer to Himself

With each and every wave He is making a way

With each wave, new paths are being marked in my brain

With each wave, He is preparing us for the journey ahead

 

It is hard to trust with the sea raging in front of you

Its difficult to not fear when Pharaoh's army is on your heels

YET...

our hope should never be placed in what we see

but we should CLING to what is unseen

 

So, this morning, I stood and sang

Im no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

 

You split the sea so I could walk right through it

You drown my fear in perfect love

 

I was able to sing those things truthfully

Not because things are going well or the way that I desire

Instead, I was able to sing those truths knowing that

I am HIS

 

How He chooses to part the waters

is not up to me

How He chooses to heal is not up to me

May I rest in knowing that He is on the move

and making a way in the wilderness

 

Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over?
Isaiah 51:10

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let It Be Jesus

 
Zambia, Africa

My heart raced as I drove into the parking lot

I tucked the van under a nice shade tree while

I sat and simply breathed for a moment

I knew that the next few hours would bring answers

and I was afraid of what those answers would require

The crowd was thick today

I slowly crawled out of the van and

 took my kids by the hand. We walked through

the gate and onto the platform of the social welfare

office. The doors were open and only a few people were

 lined on the benches outside to speak to the officers.

One by one, each person was seen

after an hour and a half the only ones left were me

my children and one precious boy.

His back was a straight and his tiny feet crossed

He sat there so quiet waiting for his turn

A clear plastic bag sat next time him with what appeared

to be an extra pair of shorts and shirt.

I looked at that sweet baby's face and attempted

a smile on occasion. He never returned my efforts

My children and I were called into the office

I held tightly to the envelope that I had just picked up

I clung to it and prayed that perhaps I had read it wrong

I walked in and sat across the desk from the social welfare

officer who is currently over our case

I watched her face as she read the letter regarding our family

She looked at my children and then turned her

attention to me

With each word, I felt my heart sink more and more

She began explaining that this was a matching letter

That means the boys have been matched with our family

However, she will now begin preparing paperwork for a court date

This paperwork will potentially be ready when Derek arrives in a little

over 2 weeks. In court we will receive an effective date of notice

This means that our 3 months of fostering the children will

begin upon our court date. After the 3 month

period we will then have a few loose ends to tie up and that

should take maybe 3-5 more weeks

I looked around the room at my children standing

I could see their hearts and heads trying to understand all

that was being said. I watched their faces that earlier held

hope turn to faces filled with hurt and sadness over what

they were able to understand.

 I began asking if there was any way that our 2 and a half

months here already, would count towards anything.

It appears that as of today, that is not the case

Until we go to court, the time here has not and will not

count towards our 3 month required stay.

I left there feeling the weight of her words

The reality of all that had been said was far beyond

what my heart could process

I took the kids to get milkshakes and allow them to play

on the playground for a while.

I needed a few moments to just sit alone without questions

without anyone knowing all that had happened

I needed to let it be me and my Heavenly Father

I sat in that restaurant and mourned

no tears, just a deep ache in my heart

a knowing that this is not finished yet and truly has

in many ways yet to begin

Through all of my questions and hurt

the Lord has been reminding me that He is in the midst of us

I have sat for hours attempting to think

through what all this means for my family

my sweet older kiddos have struggled to understand

why things have to be so hard. Why this can't

be easier. Why we can't just go home and come

back for the boys another day. They are having to

wrestle with many of the questions that Derek and I are.

I know no answers

I only know Jesus

I can only point them to Him

Im aching for home

Yet, He knows my greater longing is for Him

Im longing for the safe and familiar

Yet He knows my greater longing is to walk the

unfamiliar roads if those lead to His feet

Im longing for rest

Yet, He knows I've always prayed to live a spent life

May I not be lost in the longings for tomorrow

May I find myself seeking His face in the midst of confusion

May He reach into the hearts of these sweet kiddos

and pour His love and truth throughout their inner most being

May they live their lives poured out for the sake of the Gospel

whatever the cost

May our lives shout of all He is to us

As we rise in the mornings,

as we lay our heads down at night

As we sit in office after office hearing news that

threatens to take our hope

As we play soccer in the yard with the village boys

As we offer a drink or food at the market

LET IT BE JESUS

that they see in us

LET IT BE JESUS

that fills the voids

LET IT BE JESUS

that sustains and carries us through



Day 70

 

 

 

I left home 70 days ago

 

That has seemed like an eternity some days

and others it seems like its flown by

 

My heart always finds great comfort in writing

so I am going tp get back to it. There is so much going

on in this heart and head of mine that its great having

a place to share. More for myself than for any one else

 

The last time my feet were on US soil was 70 days ago

I have to say that I knew this would be difficult

however, there are simply things I don't know that we

could have prepared for if we had researched this country

for months.

 

After 70 days here, we have nothing to show for

our time spent here. We have nothing to show

towards the adoption of the boys other than the

head of social welfare informed us two weeks ago that

they were processing our case. Which, we were not

given any idea on what that means.

This country states that they require a 3 month stay

in country with the children. We saw

within our first two days in country that most likely

was not going to be the case.

 

It is our hearts desire at this point to simply be given

a time frame.

To know if any of the time I've spent in country will count

towards our 3 month requirement.

However, it is not appropriate to ask those questions as

it will potentially cause your process to be stopped intentionally

 

So, its difficult to know how to proceed

and quite frankly difficult on the heart to simply

have no answers

 

In the meantime....

 

We are spending our days bonding with the boys

and continuing to get to know them.

They've lived in our house now for about 68 days

 

Levi has learned to crawl in that timeframe

He is crawling EVERYWHERE

He desires to pull to stand and really would enjoy walking if he could

 

Luke on the other hand is finding the crawling thing

a bit more difficult.

He has a very large umbilical hernia that appears to have

weakened his abs. That little guy is slowly but surely

getting stronger ( thanks to my sister who is

a pediatric physical therapist)  She has given several tips and

just has encouraged me in getting him moving.

 

They each have their own sweet personalities.

Levi is a cuddly, gentle teddy bear of a baby

Luke on the other hand is regularly heard being as loud

as possible. He loves hearing himself :)
He is very independent until hes sleepy
then he wants to be scooped up and loved on

He is cutting four top teeth currently and is handling

it like a champ

 

This mommy is worn out but I wanted to give at least some idea of what

in the world we are doing

 

 



Bound

When you've been near me

Could you hear them

 

When you pass me in the hall or the store

Have you seen them behind me

 

When I stand in front of you leading worship

Did the bright metallic color of my chains not

cast such a distracting glare

 

To speak of freedom is much different than

living in freedom

 

Have you seen how bound I am

Or does the sound of the metal clanging behind my every

step get covered by my smile

 

You speak to who you assume I am

In reality you are speaking to a prisoner

You are speaking to a woman that  has

been so very crippled by the weight of my chains

that it has threatened to dim even the brightest of lights in my life

 

These chains have been being put in place for over a decade

Some look like harsh words. Those are the ones I never

realized were tightening with every step I took

Sinking deep into the

very heartbeat of ALL that I thought of myself.

 

Then there were the shackles of adultery

sitting and listening to someone again and again

tell you that you are not what they want and never were

The thickest chain is the one that says you weren't worth

coming back or fighting for

Those chains caused lasting questions that continue to sink

deep into the very heartbeat of ALL that I think about

love, trust and security

 

Then there is the chain of losing Chloe and Eli

The loss of those two when it was so clear that the Lord

had called me to pursue them

The clanging of that chain behind me is often louder than the rest

That battle for those babies, the loss of them has caused

questions that sink into the very heartbeat of ALL that I think about

God's love for me, His desire to bless me, His desire to use

something other than suffering to bring Himself glory through my life

 

The truth is that the events are difficult

However, it is the lasting questions that those things

have caused that have made me the most uncertain

They've made each day a battle for me

My mind is a constant war zone

 

Those things in most people's life that are just assumed

love

trust

security

worth

 

Those are the things that terrify me the most

 

As the Lord brought Derek into my life

I was amazed and terrified

Risking love and loss are almost crippling to me

 

However, I knew with clear certainty that the Lord had

placed this man in my life.

I saw him pursue me with great integrity and love

I have still had incredibly low moments of fear

I have attempted to push him away more times than

I can count.

Its easier to push someone away before they push you away

 

How it breaks my heart to admit that has been me at my

darkest of moments

However, those are the times when I've seen his true

commitment and love for me. When I've been so terrified to

be loved or love...he is steadfast and presses on

He is the gospel to me

The Lord called me to love him, marry him and make my life

with him. So, stepping out in trust I walked down the aisle to

be his wife.

 

I find myself sitting in Zamia fearing many of the same things

that I feared upon Derek entering my world

 

The chains of fear have had their grip on me

 

So, sitting in the full pile of metal

wrapped from head to toe in shackles and chains

is when we received the message on the boys

It seemed like horrible timing for me personally

I had recently been walking through counseling for PTSD

and felt that I was seeing the slightest of improvements

 

That's when the Lord asked me..and my family

to step out and risk again

I told the Lord how I wasn't ready

How my heart isn't healed

How I still have plenty of moments where I can't move

or trust simply out of fear

Yet He called us anyway

He made a way in my chaos

and cleared the path before us to bring us to where we are

 

I have walked this journey with little desire

to allow myself to be all in

HOPE is a scary thing for me

The moment I would become excited about the possibility of

bringing these boys home, is the exact moment

fear would rear its head and another chain would

take hold of my heart

 

God knew this would be my heart

He knew my fear would need to be overcome

in the mightiest of ways

He sees me RIGHT where I am

 

Through it all, I have seen the hand of God

I've not really questioned who He is

I've simply questioned who I am to Him

 

Those questions have been answered a thousands times over

He is allowing me to slowly put my heart on the line

He is making me brave enough to cuddle little ones tight

as though I'll never lose them

Hes allowing me to sing to them in my arms

with a heart that is filled with a love that a mother alone can have

 

He is breaking these cold hard chains that have taken

so much of my life

my joy

and so much of who I am

He is removing the chains and in their place

He gently rubs a soothing

balm of love and hope

 

He is whispering to my heart that freedom comes with

letting go

 

and

 

truly letting go means taking hold of ALL that He is

and ALL that He says I am

 

Its stepping out and trusting just enough to get on a plane

Knowing He will handle the rest

Its stepping out and loving again a man

Its stepping out and loving two children

 

Its allowing Him to lead me through the maze of fear

and remove chains as He sees fit

 

This journey is larger than adoption

I've said it once...but I feel I can't say it enough

He brought us here to heal, to hear His voice

and see Him work in mighty ways!

 

May He continue to remove the chains that sin, lies and hurt

have put in place

May he tear down the walls that I've built to protect my heart

 

May He continue to give STRENGTH for today

and BRIGHT HOPE for tomorrow

 

 

 

 

 

 



Super Seven Under one ROOF

 

 

 

 

Bryson was the first one through the big blue door

His eyes were large, scanning the crowd looking for

me and Alyssa.
Next was Caleb, dazed with the same calm yet desperate look

on his face.

Those little boys were looking for their mommy and when

they finally saw me their faces lit up

I could see in their eyes the relief of finally being together

My sweet hearted Bryson, who always tries to keep his emotions bottled

was fighting back tears

Caleb just ran into my arms and held on with every ounce of energy he had

 

Finally my sweet husband walked out

I think of all the times I've seen him this may

have been one of my favorites.

I saw how proud of me he was and in his eyes

a look that reminded me how deeply I am loved

by him, yes

but also by my Heavenly Father who has given me this

amazing group of people to enjoy this life with

 

The next moments were filled with the most wonderful

group hug that I think we've had in a while

My heart wanted to jump out of my chest

 

This was more than a family being reunited

This was one more piece to our little puzzle

 

You see, for us, this journey is about far more than

bringing Luke and Levi home

Those two boys are the reason we are sitting in Zambia

but they are not the only "things" we will walk away

from Zambia with

 

The Lord is at work in our heart and lives

in ways that we have needed so desperately

 

 

May He continue

REDEEMING

RESTORING and HEALING

all those places in our hearts that would keep

us from being fully surrendered to Him

 

 

 

GOOD NIGHT everyone!!

My entire crew is dead asleep and I might as well

join them... I have a feeling Im going to be pretty

busy from here on out :)

 

 

Prayer Request for this week is that we would gain paperwork

and a court date

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

As I climb into bed tonight my head and heart are swirling
I only have SIX more sleeps to go before three of my favorite
boys are here. Yet, with that excitement also comes the reminder
that I am not home. Tonight, I am longing for home

My heart was laid heavy with the reality that not only
have I been here for five days but I very likely
{UNLESS A MIRACLE HAPPENS}
will be here for another 120 or so days or so
That is a lot to let sink in
This place is unfamiliar in every way

My heart is to be home

Yet there is still so much that is required

 

Zambia requires three months of fostering before you are able to

gain final approval.
They have recently added in a two week

"bonding" phase prior to the three month foster phase.

That is why Im here, starting that two week phase so that when

Derek arrives, we can hopefully have a court date to be given

foster parent rights.

We currently sit waiting on our paperwork to be found in the

capital. We checked today..and will check again tomorrow
So that is the latest on the actual process itself
Pray the paperwork can be back dated to the first day I was
here with the children instead of when they find our paperwork

 

It is hard to press in tonight and hear clearly what next steps are

Its difficult to discern His voice from my own

desires, hopes and fears.

 

I don't want to move a single step without Him

I truly desire for this entire process to go just as the Lord desires

He has a plan and that very well may include me being here with

these five kiddos of mine for 4 months

I want that if He does...with tears streaming down my face

I do truly desire His work to be complete in this situation

whatever that looks like.

 

I want to hear His voice ahead calling me step by step

to Himself and His plan

 

El Roi, You are the God who SEES. You see me here and you

know the weight feels too much today. Be near to me Lord

Please do not let me move without you out of selfish ambition

Lead me to Your heart when I am overwhelmed

Hold us in the palm of your hand...God I feel alone tonight.

I don't feel strong Father. Yet I know that you are made

PERFECT in my weakness. You give me new strength daily

You restore my soul

 

"You were the VICTOR in the King

You were the POWER in David's swing

You were the CALM in Abraham

You are the GOD who understands

You are the STRENGTH when we have none

You are the LIVING HOLY ONE

You were

You are

and

you will ALWAYS be"

 

My may weary soul rest in who You are

Lord I trust you heart is good and kind

Help me to trust that you are mighty beyond comprehension

Help me to trust that you would reach down into this life

of mine and use me for Your kingdom

and Lord...Father, if at all possible...can we all please go home SOON

 

 

 

 

 



Come to Life..Part 2

 

 

 

I placed my microphone in the stand

walked down off the stage and sat next to my children

the long cushioned church pew was completely empty other than 

the four of us.

 It seemed to scream how alone we were

I debated faking a coughing spell, gathering my things

and booking it out of there

Instead, I buckled down the hatches and knew we were

there to stay. We were no longer a family of 5,

 the dream of 7 had gone and

we sat there...now a family of 4

 As the pastor began speaking I scooped my three little ones closer

to my side and waited in anticipation of how the

Lord was going to speak to my heart and theirs

Oh how we needed to hear from Him and His Word

The pastor was barely able to get the Scripture for the day read

before our pew started going downhill

I bent down to correct my youngest to tell him to listen

He then proceeded to make random squeaking noises

At that point he had become a distraction

I took his little hand in mine and led him out

As the sanctuary doors closed he became very resistant to any

type of leading. I had to carry him in the bathroom

As I walked in the stall I told him that I was going to spank

him for his disobedience 

As I did, my little boy took my arms and squeezed them

He scratched at me and then brought his hand back

and hit me

In that moment my heart broke

He was hurting so badly

He had lost so much

He was brokenhearted

and quite frankly...that little boy was angry

his entire world had fallen apart and he could do

nothing about it. He could not change one

thing that had been done to his life.

He simply had to deal with whatever came his way

I knew I had to deal with his actions

but ultimately I had to deal with his heart

 

In my "sunday best" high heels and all

I sat right on the toilet seat and scooped that little boy

up into my arms

He screamed and cried

all I knew to do was sit there and

sob right along with him.

My heart ached to watch my little boy grieve

I wanted to fix it for him

but instead I had to just hold him and let him hurt

 

Im not sure what the pastor said that morning

but as I sat there loving my precious Caleb

I KNEW that is how the Father felt for me

Caleb wrestled against me holding him but never one time

climbed down off my lap. He was hurting and had no idea how to

get it out of his system. We sat there until we stopped crying

We dried out eyes and walked back into a sanctuary filled with

people who had no idea that we were really falling apaprt

 

I sat the rest of the sermon realizing that the Father allows

me to come to Him in any condition

When Im screaming at Him and asking Him

WHY

When I cry out to Him for my next breath

He is there

When I wrestle against the fact that He is Sovereign

yet it all went so poorly

He is there

Soothing my heart in a way that only my

Heavenly Father can. While I can not fix my children's hearts

I know that the Lord can indeed heal my wounds

and theirs

He allows me to wrestle, be angry, hit the steering wheel as hard a I

can, bang on the wall., scream until it hurts my own ears

( which I didn't even know was possible)

.He allows me to act out in my human

anger and hurt..all the while he holds me near to His heart

Allowing His heartbeat to constantly guide my broken and weary spirit

Bringing me to the foot of the cross and helping

me lay my burdens down

They are not gone but He carries them with me 

and sometimes...when Im laying in the floor of the closet

unable to move..He carries them FOR me

 

 How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure