The Grinch

I have found myself struggling greatly this Christmas season

Its generally one of the most magical times of year for me

Every pancake is green or red and shaped like a Christmas tree

Christmas music is spilling all through the house from every radio

I can find and last but not least...Christmas Tree candles are EVERYWHERE

However, this year I find myself not able to jump right in as normal.

No pancakes, let alone green and red ones

Christmas music seems to be...annoying

and well, our pumpkins just came off the front porch this week

fall flowers still remain 

All of that to say

I think Im slightly Grinch like this year

I have enjoyed movie nights with my family 

and cookies and putting up the tree but Im just not

happy go lucky Merry Christmas everyone Me

I think something changes when you have children that are a world away

When your biggest concern is no longer what will people think of my casserole

this year but instead I pray my children get fed

Its  not about how many presents my children receive but instead will anyone

hold them today.

My thoughts are not on how my home looks to total strangers but instead are my 

children warm tonight.

The lenses that I am looking through this year are totally different 

I don't wake up and run to the store to see if I can stuff something else into my

children's stockings ( I mean, I will do that...on Christmas Eve of course) 

but instead I wake up all night long praying and begging God to keep my children safe

I am present with Alyssa, Bryson and Caleb. I make sure that I am HERE with them

However, their hearts long for the same thing that mine does

They long in the same way for their brother and sister to be home.

They long to know if their babies are fed, loved and held. 

Our hearts this season are a world away

Christmas is first about God's gift to us in the form of His Son Jesus

 However, Christmas has always been about family as well

and this year..we are not together. 

Even though we have never held Chloe and Eli in our arms. 

We have held these two in our hearts for so long

 The ache in my heart for them is so strong.

Please pray for our family this holiday season.

Pray that we would have them home soon but that we would trust

in God's timing. Pray that someone would hold them and feed them today!