Devotion VS Deceit

 

Devotion :often selfless affection and dedication as to a person or principle; aherence

 

Deceit: the act or pratice of misrepresenting or concealing the truth;trickery; fraud 

 

By definition, these words appear to be in striking contrast to one another.

However,Sunday as I sat amoung the believers of my particular congregation

I was drawn to one word that our pastor used. He was quoting a verse from Luke 2 which

describes Simeon as a devout and righteous man. He then went on to define both of these words.

I began letting that one word..devout.. play around in my mind.

As quickly as it entered another word was rising in me

DECEIT

 

I immediately understood the purpose of this in my heart

I asked the Lord  under which definition  I fall
I struggle with performance based approval..I truly think I always have
I assumed people like me based on the way I looked, how well I could do
something or what I brought to the table. It took me about 29 years to realize...
people may just like me for me
However, while this is a lesson I have been learning with my peers it
happens to be an area with the Lord that apparently I haven't quite wrapped
my heart around. How could He love ME? I can quickly fall into my
performance based approval mode...which often leaves me void of true passion
and desire to serve the Lord but instead with a need to gain His approval.

In my case my heart truly desires to follow...not just believe in Jesus Christ
The Lord has shown me little by little what that actually
looks like. For so long I thought that it was about appearance. What could I
DO for the Lord. What a prideful attitude! I found myself counting church
attendance and involvement as my faith. I am not suggesting my heart wasn't
in this...no, in fact quite the opposite. I looked to the Lord and thought how
can I SHOW Him how much I love Him and my natural reaction was to DO
enough that He would value me.
It makes my heart sad to even write that because when I am still I know the
Father loves me based on NOTHING I have done or ever could do. However,
I deceived myself for years and struggle to this day feeling like I am devoted to the
Lord when in reality I am devoted to the church...the actual building and all that
it requires of me. I have been lost in my own deceit, so blided by my empty efforts.

I pray that God continues to remove the blinders from my eyes. I am grateful
that my Heavenly Father looks at me with eyes that are filled with compassion.
He watches lovingly as I strive to be enough
All the while speaking to my heart that I am enough because of His Son
I pray that I adhere to Him and His purpose.
I no longer want to settle

Isn't it great that God takes us as we are
He doesn't require the shiny polished version but instead He accepts all
of the cracks, dirt and our broken efforts and patiently strips away those things
that do not reflect Him. Loving us all the while

 

 

 

 

Do I fight or run for the Hills?

 

 

 

I am TIRED

 

The deepest parts of my soul are spent

The battles seem to come day after day

I have been fighting and pushing back for so long

Its not even a consistent battle, there is no learning a stradegy to win
. No, in fact it comes in many

different forms. It often appears that when I'm about to  regain my stance

I am totally knocked out. I mean rock my world to the core knocked out.

Sometimes I just lay there for a while.The news, challenge,

or hurt has physically taken the breath from my lungs. I sinply lay there and wait

until the world around me stops spinning. Then, when I can stumble to my

feet, I go to my corner, bloody and beaten and I just

 pray that there is no bell to sound the next match...

at least not for today!

I have found myself lately just wanting to roll over and play dead
What a weak response to trial right?
Why yes...yes it is

These past two years have been more difficult than I could have ever imagined
I was not prepared for all that we would face
I had no idea how to handle most of what was thrown my way but
I've been able to put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving
Many days I found myself
 crying out to the Lord. I pleaded with Him to make it all go away
I begged Him to take the hurt away
Then, I  realized that isn't how it always works.
Sometimes the pain never goes away so He can continue to fill the wounds
with His healing mercy and grace

In the chaos
I was able to press hard into the chest of the Father. Crawl into His lap
 where I felt hidden from it all
and cry on His shoulders that were big enough to bare the weight of the world.
It was in those moments that He showed me how to fight
Many times I would fall into Him and beg Him to give me my next breath
and He would
He strengthened my steps day by day. As the battles came He made a
way in the darkness.
I remember when I was hit with  the most devestating and promising realization.
I was deep in pain and He genlty brought something to my heart.
Right before the moment my heart was broken, He was there
He allowed such pain into our lives yet held me all the while.
He never once left me. He knew that morning I woke up that my world would be
forever changed
That notion made me feel  betrayed. Why would God allow this
to happen in my life
Yet in the very next breath I was consumed by
 His presence. I knew and trusted His character
. I knew that while He allowed things to pass through His hands
His heart ached for me.
The fights of the past years have brought a new wave of endurance
A new understanding that pain and sorrow will come and He will remaind faithful
A new knowledge of what it feels like to have NOTHING under control yet know He
is working ALL things out for my good. and for the glory of His Name.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to throw in the towel every now and then
Those things that I walked through have all been in preparation for this very moment in time
When things just seem too big and too chaotic. I know He is there.
He was faithful then and I know He goes before us even now

He, no matter the outcome of it all
is FAITHFUL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Alyssa is TEN

HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY

Alyssa Hope

 

 

God blessed our family beyond measure when He chose to give

you to us!

I look at you and am amazed at the beautiful young lady that you are becoming

 

We can't wait to celebrate your special day tonight!!!

LOVE YOU Beautiful

A Week For HER

 

 I am taking a week off

 

This Friday is my daughter Alyssa's 10th birthday

It seems like yesterday when we were standing on the

bridge downtown with creepy Uncle Matt in the back ground

of this photo watching fireworks!

Time has FLOWN by!

 

 

 

This week is not going to be consumed by adoption hopes or disappointments

I have to take the focus off the things I can not control

and focus on the ones right in front of me

There is ALWAYS next week

My sweet husband and kiddos pointed out how I am obsessively checking my email

for updates on Chloe and Eli 

When Im in the car, Im checking my phone...when the kids are playing on the playground

my eyes are glued to the phone

When Im taking a bath, cooking dinner, sweeping, mopping, family movie night...

I've become one of THOSE MOMS :)

Now, I have convinced myself its for the other children

but that is coming to a STOP this week!

 

My sweet girl is turning TEN years OLD!

I can not believe it!

I want to make sure that I am 100% present this week

I do not want my worry or fear to take over her special birthday

 

I just keep telling myself it is ONE WEEK without updates.

I will check the mail for our i600 approval but other than that

Our family's focus this week will be Alyssa Hope :)

 



I wanted to update because my post on facebook stating that I would be stepping back

for a week caused many people to call, text or message me.

I didn't mean to alarm anyone.

For my family I need to step away and focus on them

 

We would ask that you continue to pray for Chloe and Eli.

We pray that you would cover our family in prayer in the coming days

We ask that you pray that we would continue feeling God's presence and His hand in

this journey. We thank each of you for loving our family

 

ps...don't judge if I play a game of bejewled every once in a while..

I have to keep up my mid level skills

( guilty pleasure)