Do I fight or run for the Hills?

 

 

 

I am TIRED

 

The deepest parts of my soul are spent

The battles seem to come day after day

I have been fighting and pushing back for so long

Its not even a consistent battle, there is no learning a stradegy to win
. No, in fact it comes in many

different forms. It often appears that when I'm about to  regain my stance

I am totally knocked out. I mean rock my world to the core knocked out.

Sometimes I just lay there for a while.The news, challenge,

or hurt has physically taken the breath from my lungs. I sinply lay there and wait

until the world around me stops spinning. Then, when I can stumble to my

feet, I go to my corner, bloody and beaten and I just

 pray that there is no bell to sound the next match...

at least not for today!

I have found myself lately just wanting to roll over and play dead
What a weak response to trial right?
Why yes...yes it is

These past two years have been more difficult than I could have ever imagined
I was not prepared for all that we would face
I had no idea how to handle most of what was thrown my way but
I've been able to put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving
Many days I found myself
 crying out to the Lord. I pleaded with Him to make it all go away
I begged Him to take the hurt away
Then, I  realized that isn't how it always works.
Sometimes the pain never goes away so He can continue to fill the wounds
with His healing mercy and grace

In the chaos
I was able to press hard into the chest of the Father. Crawl into His lap
 where I felt hidden from it all
and cry on His shoulders that were big enough to bare the weight of the world.
It was in those moments that He showed me how to fight
Many times I would fall into Him and beg Him to give me my next breath
and He would
He strengthened my steps day by day. As the battles came He made a
way in the darkness.
I remember when I was hit with  the most devestating and promising realization.
I was deep in pain and He genlty brought something to my heart.
Right before the moment my heart was broken, He was there
He allowed such pain into our lives yet held me all the while.
He never once left me. He knew that morning I woke up that my world would be
forever changed
That notion made me feel  betrayed. Why would God allow this
to happen in my life
Yet in the very next breath I was consumed by
 His presence. I knew and trusted His character
. I knew that while He allowed things to pass through His hands
His heart ached for me.
The fights of the past years have brought a new wave of endurance
A new understanding that pain and sorrow will come and He will remaind faithful
A new knowledge of what it feels like to have NOTHING under control yet know He
is working ALL things out for my good. and for the glory of His Name.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to throw in the towel every now and then
Those things that I walked through have all been in preparation for this very moment in time
When things just seem too big and too chaotic. I know He is there.
He was faithful then and I know He goes before us even now

He, no matter the outcome of it all
is FAITHFUL