Deeper Still

 

 

"Take me DEEPER than my feet would ever wander

that my faith would be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior"

 

 

I lay there as those words filled the dark room

The pain in my heart spilled over and saturated

my entire soul. The grief was so great and

I couldn't seem to find any comfort. I longed

for the Lord to come to me and dry my tears,

mend my heart immediately.

I BEGGED Him to Please provide relief

Please let this be as deep as I have to go

Please!

 NO MORE!

 

As quickly as the words spilled from my lips

His gentle answer filled my heart

and with it came the deepest sorrow

My heart knew immediately that His answer was No

Relief was not to come today and in that moment all  I knew

to do was let the tears fall and surrender to Him.

As the song continued playing

"take me deeper than my feet would ever wander"

My heart recognized His plan was for me to go

deeper still.

I wept for what was to come.

I felt fear creeping in as I quickly evaluated the only things I have left

Father if it is deeper You desire then deeper I will go

However, I knew, in my flesh I could not will my feet into motion

They are worn

Father if the cost of knowing you MORE is to lose more, love more or lay down more

then let me pay the small price willingly and find the joy in doing so

 My heart is willing, you will have to take me there

drag me if You must.

 I won't resist

 

Two weeks had gone by

it all hit at one time and the sorrow that it brought was deep

The night He called me to go deeper was because

He knew there was more to come

In His loving kindness, He prepared my heart and my will

to allow His purpose

 

 He knew that for this

He would not have to drag me

but I would go willingly a million times over

I would NEVER resist

No, in fact I would risk everything to go to the deepest parts of the water

because the deepest parts have required me to fully hand

over the only things I have left

my children

 

 

I sit back and watch helplessly as they wrestle with many

of the hurts, fears and sorrows that I have known.

Oh the depths that these babies have had to go

Yet the Father has shown me that every rushing tide that has threatened to consume

Every raging sea...has led me here. To the deepest waters

Where my heart breaks more than it ever has because I can not

make this better for them. I know the pain of it all and I can not

change it. I have to lift my hands to Him, Who loves them more

that I and say THANK YOU for giving me well over two years

to prepare to go into the deep with them. He is drying the ground

beneath our feet and showing us where to step. He is making a way

 

"Was it not you who dried up the sea,

the waters of the great deep

who made a road in the depths of the sea

so that the redeemed might cross over"

Isaiah 51:10

 

Our week has gone from incredibly low valleys

where anger, hurt and sorrow filled each of their hearts

To extremely amazing moments of praise and worship

As we climbed in bed last night we were all four reminded

 God will restore

He will heal

He will and is breathing life into these ruins

 

Bryson said we're a lot like a Jenga tower.

 People have knocked holes in us and now we've fallen

However, He says God has come to pick us up and rebuild

There could be no greater truth

 

To hear each of their hearts on it is so beautiful

To consider it PURE joy when we face trials

To be grateful that God has chosen  us to

go to the deepest parts of the water

To say that NO MATTER the cost

we know that He is faithful

To look to our future with excitement and trust

is such a blessing.

Sorrow lasts for a night...but JOY comes in the morning

Im well aware we will have many more nights where the

grief, loss and straight out crazy of it all overwhelms

but indeed the Lord has shown me that this is not the end

for this bunch!

We are kicking off a whole new chapter

Soaking wet from the previous ones but praising Him for making

all things new!

 

" The Lord will surely comfort Zion and

will look with compassion on ALL her ruins;

he will make her deserts like Eden

Her wastelands like the garden of the Lord

 Joy and gladness will be found in her

Thanksgiving and the sound of singing!"

Isaiah 51:3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

"Please keep your truth alive and singing in my heart.

 Make me Hephzibah which means"my delight is in her"

 May I be poised for action like Esther

 may I be loyal and sacrificially faithful like Ruth

May I have Deborah's wisdom,

Mary's innocence,

Eve's unbroken relationship with You.  

Make me joyfully passionate like the woman at the well

unaffected and clear-sighted like the 'alabaster woman

 a student and devoted follower like Mary (Martha's sister).

Make me bold and adventurous like Rahab;

cunning and shrewd like Tamar--able to stand for justice.

 May I be used in spite of my sin like Bathsheeba and in spite of my weakness like the woman with the issue of blood.

 Lord, may I be beautiful and desired like the bride  in Solomon's songs.

 Fearless of change like Rebekah.

 The mother of nations like Sarah.

 May I be worth the fight like Rachel--Jacob's 14-year prize.  

 

 

I know that all of this is inside of me somewhere. All these women are tied together by the Holy Spirit--linked by Your story and filling and design. I know You can bring out this godliness in me.

 

Father, Make me a fierce opponent for the Devil, a mighty tool in Your hands. Make me humble and surrendered and broken to Your using--but solid and fearsome--a defender of the weak, releasing prisoners from darkness. I long to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with You!  Mold my heart towards these, Your desires for me.  I surrender to You" J.L.O

 

Amen.

 

 

 

Thank you precious friend for this and all the other prayers that you prayed for me

all that time ago!

Today, I find great strength and encouragement from these words

Grateful for you and your love for the Father

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



3 1/2

 

 

 

 

Chloe and Eli turned 3 1/2 years old

this weekend

 

 

Of all that has been lost in recent years

this has been the most difficult for me to understand

 

It is hard for me to reason why the Father allowed me to care

so deeply for them. He watched as I opened up my heart to two

beautiful babies that He knew would never come home. He saw

my eyes light up every time I saw their faces. He listened as I begged

for their safety and care. He heard my heart skip a beat when I saw their

 smiles for the first time.

 He then saw my heart breaking when I

realized it was over. He saw me crumbled on the floor when I learned they would not

come home. He watched as I wept for children that I would never

hold. He listened as I cried and questioned.

 

I've had well meaning individuals ask me if I heard God wrong.

If indeed He was calling me to something else and I stepped out in

the wrong direction. While I understand their question and have even

asked God similar things. I know with complete confidence that God called

me to this journey. To those two specific children

 He called me to step out, He then showed me how to open my heart

to love them even though it may not end well. He was with me every step of the way

The hard part for me to understand is WHY?

Why in the world would He call me, allow me to set my hopes on them

coming home. When in reality, He saw the ending. He knew how it would all

play out.

 

However, the reality that sinks deep into the broken pieces of my heart is

 that He is God and I am not. While I can not see His hand in the larger

picture of their lives. I do see His heart for them. His provision. Though not what

I would have planned if it were all up to me.

 It was possibly never His plan for me to be

their mommy in the way that I had so greatly longed for.

I may never know what my role in their lives was, if any

 He does not have to explain to

me everything He chooses. Sometimes, He allows me to see and other times

He asks me to trust Him. Trust that His ways are higher. Trust that He

is Sovereign.

As quickly as the Why spills from my lips,

the Father pours in Truth

He loves me more than I can begin to wrap my heart around

He loves those two babies more than I ever possibly could

He does not set us on paths to watch us crumble

Instead He walks each step of the way knowing what is best for

our lives. He sees the end picture and He knows what will produce

in us the very heart that He longs for. In the end its not about

the result of a journey. Its about the day by day walking

and learning who He is that matters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Handing Over The Ashes

The pieces fell so quickly

All that I felt was certain crumbled within moments

I found myself staring with great fear at the place I once stood

 now a pile of ashes scattered on the floor

 There was little  I recognized but was certain it was my life.

I knew in that moment, everything had changed

The reality was that my life would never look the same

For years I strived to form something familiar from the pile of ruins

Yet nothing I created would truly hold its form

 

The faster I would scoop a pile of ashes into my hands

the faster they would fall through my fingertips.

I would escape the dust fill my lungs with air

Only to find myself gasping for my next breath

All of my striving would not form a foundation to build on

Instead, my efforts were stirring the ashes and blinding me

The attempts to create life quickly began drowning me.

I felt suffocated by the weight I was carrying

It was simply too much

 

I would like to say that I recognized this quickly

however, it has taken well over two years to be

still and quiet enough

for the dust to settle and for me to hear the Father telling me to

REST

CEASE STRIVING

STOP FIGHTING

Its Done

 

He has been pressing this into my heart for some time

I simply felt as though I didn't know how to obey

It felt weak to stop

It felt unfaithful to be still

Somewhere in my mind obedience equaled movement

Yet  as I write He whispers to my heart again

Let Go

and

Hand the ashes to me

 

So that is what I've done

 

I lay my life in His hands

It has been there all along

Yet I willingly submit to His will for the formation of this pile

He has already breathed life into me

The scattered and shattered pieces are taking form

They look nothing like they used to and like nothing I would have

expected. There is such beauty in that. He allowed me to strive

He allowed me to build knowing it would crumble

However, He held me knowing that when I stopped and handed

it all to Him willingly, that He would create from these ruins

a story far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

 

One heartbeat at a time

One breath at a time

One step

One smile

One laugh

 

He is bringing beauty from these ashes

 and for that I am grateful

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





The Lord Spoke to Job out of the Storm

"Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm:

 

Brace yourself like a man

I will question you,

and you shall answer me.

Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
Do you have an arm like God's
and can your voice thunder like his?
Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
Unleash the fury of your wrath, look at every
proud man and bring him low.
Look at every proud man and humble him.
crush the wicked where they stand......"
Job 40:6

How I feel His presence so deeply these days. He is speaking to my heart
out of the storm. The chaos abounds and at times threatens to overwhelm.
However, God in his vast love for me is directing my heart to Him.

I found myself these past two days pleading for relief.
Asking God could there be another way
 My steps are weighted, My heart is heavy
and my soul longs for rest. I am tired of the fight.
However,  He speaks to my weary heart
and shows me that His work is not yet complete in me.
He is holding me even now. Though at times I question
His ways. I ultimately trust His heart. His relentless pursuit
of my whole life leaves me speechless. While I grapple
with how hard it has to be I hear Him speaking to me out of the storm.
For that I am grateful

As I read those verses this morning with tears streaming down my
face, I was reminded of Who I am dealing with. He is the Creator of
all. I question His ways because the process is all too painful at times.
Yet it is the pain and the process that will produce fruit that would never
be seen if I were not to walk this step by step. It would be easier at time
to close my eyes and wake up when its all over.
My prayer instead is that I would walk this road with my eyes
wide open. I want to see the mountains that stand in
my path. I want to see the challenge, feel every painful step. There will be
a time to look back and remember where I once was. I pray I stand in awe on
that day as I do on this one. Knowing that God is faithful. Trusting that
even now He is holding me.
Would I truly have it any other way?
Would I take an easier path in order to
gain selfish ground?
I trust that the difficulty of this journey is producing a heart
in me that is one tiny bit closer to His. So, while my body and mind
are weary and long for rest. My heart strengthens under the weight of
this. It is not of me and that is where I find courage, peace and comfort.
It is Christ in me.



 



Even In the VALLEY



 How easily praise spills from the lips of the one standing

on the mountaintop

I've been there many times

Praising the Lord, raising my hands and voice to boldly proclaim

all that He is. 

Telling the world just how good He has been to me

I shout His Name and rejoice in all that He has done
God is the God of the mountaintops right!?!

On those mountaintops I am "satisfied"

I claim to have a heart filled with devotion to Him
 

However, I now find myself asking

Is it true devotion to HIM

or is this devotion only to the One who orchestrates a life void of pain?

 

 

 

Far from the mountaintop is the lowest valley

Where the deafening sound of sorrow and pain fill the air
 

 What happens here?

What becomes of my praise to Him

When the world has taken almost all that made sense
When you feel  the Lord  had a one on one meeting with Satan himself
and asked HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THIS ONE
Will you  lift your hands in praise before the ones who seek you harm
and still proclaim that HE IS GOOD

How my heart has never ached in the way that it does now
My soul at times feels so worn and spent
However, one truth remains
GOD IS STILL GOD
even now

My heart is learning to be truly satisfied in Him alone
I can be hopeful because I know where my hope lies
I can look to my future and say not all is lost
because I know the One that redeems the years the
locusts have eaten.

The reality is that the valley is
UGLY and BROKEN

A far greater reality is that
There is One that makes the broken things of this world
BEAUTIFUL

 

I must say that I can not always see the hand of God right now

but I FEEL Him. I know He is near to me. The valley is filled

with great sorrow but we know that sorrow lasts for the night...and JOY

comes in the morning.

 

Why do we mourn like those who have no HOPE?


I walk this road with confidence because I trust there is purpose in the valley
I pray that at the end of this  I look nothing like I do now
I pray that I am one step closer to the woman that He created me to be

SO today, I lift my hands in praise to Him
I boldly proclaim that HE IS FAITHFUL
He is loving
He is kind
He is close to the brokenhearted and
He is the GOD of my tomorrows
 

 

 

 

 

 

From the Bottom of My Heart

I can not thank each of you enough for all of the love and support that

you have shown over the past week.

 

My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude

 

I have received over 75 messages this week on facebook  

...countless phone calls, texts and emails and have

been attempting to respond to each....however, I've realized today that I can't

do it. Please know that my lack of an individual response is not a

reflection on my appreciation. I deeply appreciate every single kind

word. I have poured over the Scriptures that you have sent. I have

listened to some of the most amazing songs and sermons that so many of

you have suggested. They have flooded my soul with such beautiful

reminders that HE IS FAITHFUL!

 

At this time, I  find myself needing a little time to process.

I also appreciate the lunch, dinner, play date and vacation offers

someone even sent a vodka offer...( you know who you are :)

However, I am not in a place where I am ready for that right now.

I love that you each care enough to offer. Please know how grateful I am

and one day I will be happy to meet and grab a drink...probably diet coke :) but

I will be there one day...its just not today

 

The Lord has been placing some of the most amazing people in my life

for years who are here to walk this road with me.

 I've even added a few by force over the past

little bit :)

He has built around me a mighty fortress of friends and family that can

help carry me through this. Even with the priceless people He has placed

in my life I am having to lean solely on Him. At the end of the

day its just me and the Lord. He is my Sustainer...Strength..and

Comforter. He has to become my EVERYTHING and I have to be willing

to allow that.

 

So, please know that I am well taken care of but I need a little

time to be broken.

 

The greatest thing that you could do for me and my family at this time

is pray. If details elude you, that is most likely because I have not found it

important to share

 

So thank you again for all of your concern, your continual prayers and amazing support

It means the WORLD to me