Longing to Hold You

 

 

 

This week has been very difficult for me

My heart has simply ached to feel the weight of these babies in my arms

I have children sitting in an orphanage in the Democratic Republic of Congo

Let that sink in

I have TWO CHILDREN...

REAL CHILDREN

sitting in an ORPHANAGE in one of the top ten most dangerous cities in the WORLD

 

Every day that I wake up is one day closer to bringing them home

It is just so difficult. It is hard to go to sleep at night in my warm bed

after my warm bath knowing that my children do not have that same

luxury. It has just been hard this week.

 

We have passed our last 30 day non appeal period and so that is an obvious blessing

However, we are stuck right now because we do not have the funds to move forward

I am attempting with all that is in me to trust that God will provide..its just SO hard!

Plain and simple...Its hard to trust when you have NO clue where in the world it will come

from. Whew, this blind faith thing is NOT EASY!!!

 

The Lord has provided amazing friends old and new along the way to encourage me this

week! I have seen how He has knitted our hearts together and I just stand amazed.

 

If there was ONE thing right now that I would ask you to pray for it would be

this...

 

We are having a silent auction/benefit dinner this Saturday, Nov 3 at our church.

I would ask that you PRAY that we would raise enough money to move yet another

step closer to the babies! We are SO close...SO CLOSE!!

Please pray that people would truly understand the need

 

This blog is crazy because its so late and Im super tired after spending a weekend with

high school girls from our church. :)

 

Here are two of the latest pictures of our sweet babies

 

Chloe in her super cute jammies

 

and this is the latest picture of Eli.

He just looks so little

 



 

I would like to thank each of you for praying for our family.

We would not be able to get through this without them

 

THANK YOU

Doubting Thomas

 Cameron and the kids were all sleeping and had been for some time.

I continually tried closing my eyes and just could not fall asleep. 1am, 2am...the worry just continued

to grow in me. The thoughts of what I could do swarmed through my head. The conclusion...well, I clearly fell asleep before the conclusion

However, this morning I woke up with the same intense feeling. The room was still dark and as I was laying there , again my head was so quickly flooded with thoughts, questions and evrything in between.

 

The FEAR of knowing that money is due and we don't have it.

The SORROW that our children are back in their orphanage and Im not sure when we will get to them

The ANGER at myself for not planning better and being more prepared

The GUILT for not trying harder

 

I simply gave in to the reality that this is too big for me.

The financial need is too great and the timing is growing shorter

I could not help but laying there in that dark room feeling like I had

FAILED my children.

I have never felt like that throughout this whole process, when its been hard

when it just felt like it wasn't going to happen. I just continued seeing hope and promise

This morning was SO different.

I allowed my fear to cloud my faith!

 

The conclusion swept over me.

Of course in song ( thats how I roll)

My heart was flooded with these lyrics

"Oh Praise The Lord our Mighty Warrior, Praise the Lord the Glorious One

By His hand we stand in VICTORY by His name we've overcome"

 

For this doubting Thomas, that is what I needed to hear. I needed to be reminded

that this is NOT my battle. THe victory is HIS. He is fighting for these

children, HIS children! He has BEEN fighting for them!

How foolish to think He would stop now.

 

I am still 100% clueless as to how we will get the funding needed to bring them home.

I am, however, 100% certain that in His time we will

I know that He has called us to trust and walk by faith.

I know that to most it seems impossible.

 

That is why this is not about the possible. Its about making His name known through the impossible!

That is where we see His mighty hand! He has already moved mountains for Chloe and Eli and we trust He is faithful.

 

The need right now.

$5707

that is what our family needs in order to submit our case to Embassy, gain visas and passports for the children.

We are stopped at this point and our lawyer is not moving forward on processing this until he has the money in hand. We fully understand this and were not expecting to reach this point so quickly. After we are submitted to Embassy we receive a TRAVEL DATE to bring our babies home! Thats how close we are...

 

Please join us in BOLDLY praying that God would call people to join this journey with us financially to bring Chloe and Eli HOME. Thank you all in advance for your prayers and support of our family.

 

 

Eli after having jiggers removed

 We received news that Eli has been running a fever

They are not certain what the root of the problem  is 

however, their hope was perhaps the jiggers had caused 

the fever. They took him to the pediatrician who recommended

having his jiggers removed immediately.

This is our agency director's husband that has gone over to care for these 

precious babies. Our friends little girls had their feet worked on this

week as well. I was hopeful that they would be able to stay together

however, with Eli's fever and his apparent love for crying :)

they decided to place him in the home of a pastor and his wife

Our agency director's husband and daughter have their hands FULL with

several little ones post op. so this truly was the best option.

We also found that Chloe had surgery the following day ( yesterday) 

and was being sent to stay with Eli in the pastor's home.

We have not heard back from DRC regarding Chloe and Eli but I 

have full confidence that the minute our agency hears, they will let us know.

We can not wait to hear about how Eli's fever is. 

I am struggling seeing this precious baby boy being loved on by someone other than me

after surgery ( how selfish of me!!!) but its the truth. 

How I long to have that precious hand on my shoulder! 

ONE DAY

ONE DAY

I will continue telling myself that

For now, here are his sweet pictures after surgery

 While I may be so jealous that its not me holding Eli...

I must admit I have NEVER been more thankful for someone in my life

Oh, stepping in and loving on my sick boy

What a beautiful picture of the Gospel 

Precious Eli, your mommy loves you! I love you with all of my heart and

can not wait to hold you in my arms. I truly long for the day that I can see you face

to face, sing you bedtime songs, and kiss your precious face. How I love you sweet boy.

Please join us in praying that these little ones feet will heal quickly.

Please pray that Eli's fever will come under control soon

Pray that it was related to his feet and nothing more serious. 

Also, pray that we would accept God's will in all of this and move 

forward in confidence

Job of the Bible or Eeyore of the Hundred Acres Woods?

At least in the Smalley house!

My heart is so heavy!

The trials that we have faced and are still facing over the past year and a half are just threatening

to squeeze the life out of us. I know that sounds dramatic but  I assure you if I could climb in bed, black out my windows and throw the covers over my head...I WOULD! 

I've said that I feel like Job from the Bible. He had everything taken from him. Stripped of his

family as he knew it, home as he knew it, LIFE as he knew it. Well, THAT IS ME!

However, I also am quickly reminded that perhaps I should compare myself to someone

other than Job. After all, satan did find Job to be so righteous that he just wanted to prove that such an amazing man would curse God in the heat of suffering. Job was being hit from every angle. One messenger would report and then another and another. I have at least had a 16 month span of time to get slammed

OH, how I do NOT relate to Job!

I remember falling in the floor of my house after everyone had left just sobbing my eyes out

I remember driving down the road screaming so hard that it hurt MY ears

and just asking God WHY!?!?!

I've been bitter

I've been SO angry

so, lets be honest...JOB...not close! 

MORE LIKE THIS GUY

So, now that we have cleared that up lets move on :)

We just can not figure out when its going to stop!

We laugh/sigh heavily :) and wonder what in the WORLD it must be like to have only

ONE thing going on at a time

I swear I keep looking at Cameron and think I may need to take us both out in the ocean and see who the Jonah is. Lets get this thing over with! Lets jump out and see who the whale swallows! The seas will surely be calmed then...right?

Feet Update on C&E

 

Quick update:

 

On our weekly chat we learned tonight that two of the little girls

have had surgery. Their surgery took place Saturday and everything

went well. From what I understand one little girl will be having

surgery fairly soon.

 

When we asked our agency director tonight about the twins,

she suggested they would be receiving an evaluation. It is believed

that they will potentially just have the jiggers removed with sedation.

Perhaps their feeet are not as bad as some of the older children.

 

We are just ready to have them home.

It is beyond difficult to be apart while attempting to

make good decisions for them. It boils down to faith

I can not place my trust in the people observing the babies.

I can not place my trust in their facilities or medicine

I MUST place my faith in the One that called us to them

 

Psalm 20 

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God".

 

Never Once

 

 

My heart is breaking

 

The news today from the orphanage has not been good

 In fact, the situation with the children's feet has gotten much worse

Today another doctor came to see the children and said that two of the girls needed

surgery on their feet immediately. It is feared that gangrene has begun setting in.

These little girls will be having surgery tomorrow if all goes as planned

 

The need is still so great. They are trying to scramble and gather a team of

people that would possibly be willing to travel to care for these little ones

while they have surgery and after. Sending them back into the orphanage

post surgery would be placing them back into the same environment that

caused the issue to begin with. Only now, with more open wounds. This

would cause huge set backs and another potential surgery.

 

Our agency is working diligently to bring relief to the children but it is very

difficult to put together a team to travel at the last minute as well as

gain visas and passports.

 

This need is urgent.

 

I have nothing that I can do

I FEEL HELPLESS

 

My sister called and shared this song with me tonight

as always she called at the perfect time

I have been feeling very overwhelmed today.

It is easy in these type of situations to be sent into panic

How quickly can we get there

What is going to happen if we don't make it to Congo

Would the Lord bring us on this journey for it to end horribly?

What if he has called us to love children that may never make it to our home?

 

I know these are extreme thoughts but they are the fears that have been clamoring around in my head all day. I have felt captured by fear and sadness. I have felt so alone. SO SMALL!! Unable to fix anything!

 

 

 

The reality is that this entire journey could simply be about obedience.

It may not end the way that we hope and long for but in the end

His ways are HIGHER

We are not walking alone and our precious babies are not alone

He is there with them. I pray that HE reveals himself in ways to them that only HE can

I pray that He draws near to them when the pain is overwhelming.

I pray that His will be done

Even as I write this, the reality of what that could be sends waves of sorrow through my heart

I will continue to trust

I will continue to shout how faithful HE is

 

I will cling to the knowledge that all of this is for HIS glory and to make His name known

 

In this valley I will sing songs of praise.

I chose to trust in HIM

( now, that is today...tomorrow I will most likely revert back to the version of me that is curled up under the covers crying)

BUT FOR TONIGHT

this is my heart

 

 

 

 



Carry Your Name

It was just me and my four year old Caleb in the sanctuary on this day

The shoes needed to be counted and tied together

They had been in their boxes on a table in the hallway outside of the sanctuary

I knew that there were so many items that needed to be counted and at that moment I had a choice 

I began taking them out of their packaging and felt so unsettled

My heart continued urging me to take each pair of shoes, shoe laces and socks

and lay them on the altar.

Over the next few hours, we took each of those items, held them in our hands and

placed them and their Kingdom  purpose at the foot of our Father. In the quiet of the 

building He met us there. 

This song continued spilling from my lips as the overwhelming reality of this took hold of me

These are not simply shoes

They are the Gospel

I realize that my role in this is small but even in the minor things

I want to be faithful to carry His name!

The mission behind Shoes for Orphan Souls has always been something that my heart has connected with. However, with each year that we participate in this shoe drive my passion and understanding increases. This year has been no different. 

Knowing that children around the world need shoes, socks and shoe laces is enough to get most people motivated to give. However, when we as Christ followers understand that this is an opportunity for the Gospel to be taken to these little ones...how can we say no?

Perhaps it is our ability to disconnect ourselves from things that do not directly affect us. It isn't that we don't care! No, it is simply that we see an image and in two seconds we have already moved on to the next topic at hand. As a matter of fact, we assume that someone else will care for these needs.

I know this because I have been the one to hand responsibility over to someone else. I have placed the problem in someone else's hands. 

The Lord set my passion for this ministry and my reality on a collision course. Oddly enough they have met the month of our Shoes For Orphan Souls shoe drive. 

We received word that Chloe and Eli's orphanage had been infested with jiggers. We had been uncertain as to whether or not both of our children actually had them. Last night, our agency called an emergency meeting for all of the parents with children at their orphanage. Our director went on to explain that most all of the children have them. She also confirmed that both Chloe and Eli have them fairly badly. 

MIGHT I JUST SAY...our internet stopped working at 8:56. The chat online began at 9. so I had to speed down the street to McDonalds to use their internet while attempting to not sob while sitting and chatting.

She went on to say that the children each are suffering greatly. She shared the they will each need surgery to relieve the pain. It will cost $1500 per child but the biggest concern is that the children will be exposed to reinfestation once they have the surgery. There are so many concerns for us as parents. 

Our director sent photos of our children and their feet last night. 

These are no longer someone else's children

These are no longer 

"just an orphan's feet"

THESE ARE MY SON AND DAUGHTER'S FEET

They are infected with jiggers

The ONE thing that could have prevented this is

SHOES

I am still a little overwhelmed at this reality

but I see the Father's hand in this already

I may not understand it all but I do trust the heart of the Father

I see that he is using these precious little one's feet to open people's eyes and hearts to the need

For that...this mommy is thankful

God has great plans for these children

HIS WAYS ARE HIGHER