Come to Life..Part 2

 

 

 

I placed my microphone in the stand

walked down off the stage and sat next to my children

the long cushioned church pew was completely empty other than 

the four of us.

 It seemed to scream how alone we were

I debated faking a coughing spell, gathering my things

and booking it out of there

Instead, I buckled down the hatches and knew we were

there to stay. We were no longer a family of 5,

 the dream of 7 had gone and

we sat there...now a family of 4

 As the pastor began speaking I scooped my three little ones closer

to my side and waited in anticipation of how the

Lord was going to speak to my heart and theirs

Oh how we needed to hear from Him and His Word

The pastor was barely able to get the Scripture for the day read

before our pew started going downhill

I bent down to correct my youngest to tell him to listen

He then proceeded to make random squeaking noises

At that point he had become a distraction

I took his little hand in mine and led him out

As the sanctuary doors closed he became very resistant to any

type of leading. I had to carry him in the bathroom

As I walked in the stall I told him that I was going to spank

him for his disobedience 

As I did, my little boy took my arms and squeezed them

He scratched at me and then brought his hand back

and hit me

In that moment my heart broke

He was hurting so badly

He had lost so much

He was brokenhearted

and quite frankly...that little boy was angry

his entire world had fallen apart and he could do

nothing about it. He could not change one

thing that had been done to his life.

He simply had to deal with whatever came his way

I knew I had to deal with his actions

but ultimately I had to deal with his heart

 

In my "sunday best" high heels and all

I sat right on the toilet seat and scooped that little boy

up into my arms

He screamed and cried

all I knew to do was sit there and

sob right along with him.

My heart ached to watch my little boy grieve

I wanted to fix it for him

but instead I had to just hold him and let him hurt

 

Im not sure what the pastor said that morning

but as I sat there loving my precious Caleb

I KNEW that is how the Father felt for me

Caleb wrestled against me holding him but never one time

climbed down off my lap. He was hurting and had no idea how to

get it out of his system. We sat there until we stopped crying

We dried out eyes and walked back into a sanctuary filled with

people who had no idea that we were really falling apaprt

 

I sat the rest of the sermon realizing that the Father allows

me to come to Him in any condition

When Im screaming at Him and asking Him

WHY

When I cry out to Him for my next breath

He is there

When I wrestle against the fact that He is Sovereign

yet it all went so poorly

He is there

Soothing my heart in a way that only my

Heavenly Father can. While I can not fix my children's hearts

I know that the Lord can indeed heal my wounds

and theirs

He allows me to wrestle, be angry, hit the steering wheel as hard a I

can, bang on the wall., scream until it hurts my own ears

( which I didn't even know was possible)

.He allows me to act out in my human

anger and hurt..all the while he holds me near to His heart

Allowing His heartbeat to constantly guide my broken and weary spirit

Bringing me to the foot of the cross and helping

me lay my burdens down

They are not gone but He carries them with me 

and sometimes...when Im laying in the floor of the closet

unable to move..He carries them FOR me

 

 How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

 





Come To Life... Part 1

 

 

I knew what packing their room up meant

I knew that unmaking the beds

and taking toys out of the closet was confirmation

that they were never coming home

The Christmas pajamas that hung in their rooms were filed away

in a box. I had walked through stores crying and praying

over what I could get them to make my house feel like

their home and in a moment it was all gone

 My whole heart was beating for the moment I

saw their faces for the first time

In a short 20minute moving session the men cleared out

what was going to be their bedroom

They were never coming home

The men moved from one room to the next

Soon those two boxes were loaded alongside every thing

else that we were taking with us.

As I backed out of the driveway that afternoon

I never imagined I would not come home again

I always thought he would come for me, for us

that never happened

Instead, my three little ones and I moved from our home

into the home of my sister, her husband and their two children

They had a finished basement and on the top floor an extra bedroom

It was perfect for the chaos

 

I walked downstairs to "the Pit" as it is called for reasons

im not sure I care to know

Not a detail was overlooked

My family had worked their tales off to make this place

a home for me. I don't think the place has ever looked so good

Decorations in colors that had matched my home

pictures, mirrors, plants...everything was an effort to help me

settle in and know I was welcome

they had turned their entire basement into an apartment for me

They set up a bedroom and living room

They have a bar and between my sister and my mom, the "kitchen"

was now stocked and ready for living

They had stocked my bathroom with supplies that I didn't

even know Id need.

They had set the children's rooms up neatly as well

We brought the boys bunk beds with us from my house

they had their own room

They set their daughter's room up to welcome

my Alyssa. A bed just for her, a side of the closet

and dresser just for her. I remember  walking around

in a fog as they showed me where everyone would be

Im not sure I said anything other than thank you

as I surveyed all they had done

The reality is that there were no sufficient words

I laid my head on the pillow that night

Alone and completely defeated

I allowed the reality sink in

I had  lost two children

lost my home

my children lost their family

I lost my husband to someone else

Life would never be the same again

I simply laid there and wept before the Lord

My heart was breaking

I could feel it being torn to bits and I wondered

how I would ever get through this

How would my children ever get through this

Then I was reminded

I AM NEAR TO THE BROKEN HEARTED

I will bind up your wounds

I am the Father to the Fatherless

and with that...

I curled up in the bed

with a peace that I'd never felt

Though the room was empty

I was not alone

 

 



Deeper Still

 

 

"Take me DEEPER than my feet would ever wander

that my faith would be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior"

 

 

I lay there as those words filled the dark room

The pain in my heart spilled over and saturated

my entire soul. The grief was so great and

I couldn't seem to find any comfort. I longed

for the Lord to come to me and dry my tears,

mend my heart immediately.

I BEGGED Him to Please provide relief

Please let this be as deep as I have to go

Please!

 NO MORE!

 

As quickly as the words spilled from my lips

His gentle answer filled my heart

and with it came the deepest sorrow

My heart knew immediately that His answer was No

Relief was not to come today and in that moment all  I knew

to do was let the tears fall and surrender to Him.

As the song continued playing

"take me deeper than my feet would ever wander"

My heart recognized His plan was for me to go

deeper still.

I wept for what was to come.

I felt fear creeping in as I quickly evaluated the only things I have left

Father if it is deeper You desire then deeper I will go

However, I knew, in my flesh I could not will my feet into motion

They are worn

Father if the cost of knowing you MORE is to lose more, love more or lay down more

then let me pay the small price willingly and find the joy in doing so

 My heart is willing, you will have to take me there

drag me if You must.

 I won't resist

 

Two weeks had gone by

it all hit at one time and the sorrow that it brought was deep

The night He called me to go deeper was because

He knew there was more to come

In His loving kindness, He prepared my heart and my will

to allow His purpose

 

 He knew that for this

He would not have to drag me

but I would go willingly a million times over

I would NEVER resist

No, in fact I would risk everything to go to the deepest parts of the water

because the deepest parts have required me to fully hand

over the only things I have left

my children

 

 

I sit back and watch helplessly as they wrestle with many

of the hurts, fears and sorrows that I have known.

Oh the depths that these babies have had to go

Yet the Father has shown me that every rushing tide that has threatened to consume

Every raging sea...has led me here. To the deepest waters

Where my heart breaks more than it ever has because I can not

make this better for them. I know the pain of it all and I can not

change it. I have to lift my hands to Him, Who loves them more

that I and say THANK YOU for giving me well over two years

to prepare to go into the deep with them. He is drying the ground

beneath our feet and showing us where to step. He is making a way

 

"Was it not you who dried up the sea,

the waters of the great deep

who made a road in the depths of the sea

so that the redeemed might cross over"

Isaiah 51:10

 

Our week has gone from incredibly low valleys

where anger, hurt and sorrow filled each of their hearts

To extremely amazing moments of praise and worship

As we climbed in bed last night we were all four reminded

 God will restore

He will heal

He will and is breathing life into these ruins

 

Bryson said we're a lot like a Jenga tower.

 People have knocked holes in us and now we've fallen

However, He says God has come to pick us up and rebuild

There could be no greater truth

 

To hear each of their hearts on it is so beautiful

To consider it PURE joy when we face trials

To be grateful that God has chosen  us to

go to the deepest parts of the water

To say that NO MATTER the cost

we know that He is faithful

To look to our future with excitement and trust

is such a blessing.

Sorrow lasts for a night...but JOY comes in the morning

Im well aware we will have many more nights where the

grief, loss and straight out crazy of it all overwhelms

but indeed the Lord has shown me that this is not the end

for this bunch!

We are kicking off a whole new chapter

Soaking wet from the previous ones but praising Him for making

all things new!

 

" The Lord will surely comfort Zion and

will look with compassion on ALL her ruins;

he will make her deserts like Eden

Her wastelands like the garden of the Lord

 Joy and gladness will be found in her

Thanksgiving and the sound of singing!"

Isaiah 51:3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

"Please keep your truth alive and singing in my heart.

 Make me Hephzibah which means"my delight is in her"

 May I be poised for action like Esther

 may I be loyal and sacrificially faithful like Ruth

May I have Deborah's wisdom,

Mary's innocence,

Eve's unbroken relationship with You.  

Make me joyfully passionate like the woman at the well

unaffected and clear-sighted like the 'alabaster woman

 a student and devoted follower like Mary (Martha's sister).

Make me bold and adventurous like Rahab;

cunning and shrewd like Tamar--able to stand for justice.

 May I be used in spite of my sin like Bathsheeba and in spite of my weakness like the woman with the issue of blood.

 Lord, may I be beautiful and desired like the bride  in Solomon's songs.

 Fearless of change like Rebekah.

 The mother of nations like Sarah.

 May I be worth the fight like Rachel--Jacob's 14-year prize.  

 

 

I know that all of this is inside of me somewhere. All these women are tied together by the Holy Spirit--linked by Your story and filling and design. I know You can bring out this godliness in me.

 

Father, Make me a fierce opponent for the Devil, a mighty tool in Your hands. Make me humble and surrendered and broken to Your using--but solid and fearsome--a defender of the weak, releasing prisoners from darkness. I long to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with You!  Mold my heart towards these, Your desires for me.  I surrender to You" J.L.O

 

Amen.

 

 

 

Thank you precious friend for this and all the other prayers that you prayed for me

all that time ago!

Today, I find great strength and encouragement from these words

Grateful for you and your love for the Father

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



3 1/2

 

 

 

 

Chloe and Eli turned 3 1/2 years old

this weekend

 

 

Of all that has been lost in recent years

this has been the most difficult for me to understand

 

It is hard for me to reason why the Father allowed me to care

so deeply for them. He watched as I opened up my heart to two

beautiful babies that He knew would never come home. He saw

my eyes light up every time I saw their faces. He listened as I begged

for their safety and care. He heard my heart skip a beat when I saw their

 smiles for the first time.

 He then saw my heart breaking when I

realized it was over. He saw me crumbled on the floor when I learned they would not

come home. He watched as I wept for children that I would never

hold. He listened as I cried and questioned.

 

I've had well meaning individuals ask me if I heard God wrong.

If indeed He was calling me to something else and I stepped out in

the wrong direction. While I understand their question and have even

asked God similar things. I know with complete confidence that God called

me to this journey. To those two specific children

 He called me to step out, He then showed me how to open my heart

to love them even though it may not end well. He was with me every step of the way

The hard part for me to understand is WHY?

Why in the world would He call me, allow me to set my hopes on them

coming home. When in reality, He saw the ending. He knew how it would all

play out.

 

However, the reality that sinks deep into the broken pieces of my heart is

 that He is God and I am not. While I can not see His hand in the larger

picture of their lives. I do see His heart for them. His provision. Though not what

I would have planned if it were all up to me.

 It was possibly never His plan for me to be

their mommy in the way that I had so greatly longed for.

I may never know what my role in their lives was, if any

 He does not have to explain to

me everything He chooses. Sometimes, He allows me to see and other times

He asks me to trust Him. Trust that His ways are higher. Trust that He

is Sovereign.

As quickly as the Why spills from my lips,

the Father pours in Truth

He loves me more than I can begin to wrap my heart around

He loves those two babies more than I ever possibly could

He does not set us on paths to watch us crumble

Instead He walks each step of the way knowing what is best for

our lives. He sees the end picture and He knows what will produce

in us the very heart that He longs for. In the end its not about

the result of a journey. Its about the day by day walking

and learning who He is that matters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Handing Over The Ashes

The pieces fell so quickly

All that I felt was certain crumbled within moments

I found myself staring with great fear at the place I once stood

 now a pile of ashes scattered on the floor

 There was little  I recognized but was certain it was my life.

I knew in that moment, everything had changed

The reality was that my life would never look the same

For years I strived to form something familiar from the pile of ruins

Yet nothing I created would truly hold its form

 

The faster I would scoop a pile of ashes into my hands

the faster they would fall through my fingertips.

I would escape the dust fill my lungs with air

Only to find myself gasping for my next breath

All of my striving would not form a foundation to build on

Instead, my efforts were stirring the ashes and blinding me

The attempts to create life quickly began drowning me.

I felt suffocated by the weight I was carrying

It was simply too much

 

I would like to say that I recognized this quickly

however, it has taken well over two years to be

still and quiet enough

for the dust to settle and for me to hear the Father telling me to

REST

CEASE STRIVING

STOP FIGHTING

Its Done

 

He has been pressing this into my heart for some time

I simply felt as though I didn't know how to obey

It felt weak to stop

It felt unfaithful to be still

Somewhere in my mind obedience equaled movement

Yet  as I write He whispers to my heart again

Let Go

and

Hand the ashes to me

 

So that is what I've done

 

I lay my life in His hands

It has been there all along

Yet I willingly submit to His will for the formation of this pile

He has already breathed life into me

The scattered and shattered pieces are taking form

They look nothing like they used to and like nothing I would have

expected. There is such beauty in that. He allowed me to strive

He allowed me to build knowing it would crumble

However, He held me knowing that when I stopped and handed

it all to Him willingly, that He would create from these ruins

a story far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

 

One heartbeat at a time

One breath at a time

One step

One smile

One laugh

 

He is bringing beauty from these ashes

 and for that I am grateful

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





The Lord Spoke to Job out of the Storm

"Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm:

 

Brace yourself like a man

I will question you,

and you shall answer me.

Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
Do you have an arm like God's
and can your voice thunder like his?
Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
Unleash the fury of your wrath, look at every
proud man and bring him low.
Look at every proud man and humble him.
crush the wicked where they stand......"
Job 40:6

How I feel His presence so deeply these days. He is speaking to my heart
out of the storm. The chaos abounds and at times threatens to overwhelm.
However, God in his vast love for me is directing my heart to Him.

I found myself these past two days pleading for relief.
Asking God could there be another way
 My steps are weighted, My heart is heavy
and my soul longs for rest. I am tired of the fight.
However,  He speaks to my weary heart
and shows me that His work is not yet complete in me.
He is holding me even now. Though at times I question
His ways. I ultimately trust His heart. His relentless pursuit
of my whole life leaves me speechless. While I grapple
with how hard it has to be I hear Him speaking to me out of the storm.
For that I am grateful

As I read those verses this morning with tears streaming down my
face, I was reminded of Who I am dealing with. He is the Creator of
all. I question His ways because the process is all too painful at times.
Yet it is the pain and the process that will produce fruit that would never
be seen if I were not to walk this step by step. It would be easier at time
to close my eyes and wake up when its all over.
My prayer instead is that I would walk this road with my eyes
wide open. I want to see the mountains that stand in
my path. I want to see the challenge, feel every painful step. There will be
a time to look back and remember where I once was. I pray I stand in awe on
that day as I do on this one. Knowing that God is faithful. Trusting that
even now He is holding me.
Would I truly have it any other way?
Would I take an easier path in order to
gain selfish ground?
I trust that the difficulty of this journey is producing a heart
in me that is one tiny bit closer to His. So, while my body and mind
are weary and long for rest. My heart strengthens under the weight of
this. It is not of me and that is where I find courage, peace and comfort.
It is Christ in me.