The Grinch

I have found myself struggling greatly this Christmas season

Its generally one of the most magical times of year for me

Every pancake is green or red and shaped like a Christmas tree

Christmas music is spilling all through the house from every radio

I can find and last but not least...Christmas Tree candles are EVERYWHERE

However, this year I find myself not able to jump right in as normal.

No pancakes, let alone green and red ones

Christmas music seems to be...annoying

and well, our pumpkins just came off the front porch this week

fall flowers still remain 

All of that to say

I think Im slightly Grinch like this year

I have enjoyed movie nights with my family 

and cookies and putting up the tree but Im just not

happy go lucky Merry Christmas everyone Me

I think something changes when you have children that are a world away

When your biggest concern is no longer what will people think of my casserole

this year but instead I pray my children get fed

Its  not about how many presents my children receive but instead will anyone

hold them today.

My thoughts are not on how my home looks to total strangers but instead are my 

children warm tonight.

The lenses that I am looking through this year are totally different 

I don't wake up and run to the store to see if I can stuff something else into my

children's stockings ( I mean, I will do that...on Christmas Eve of course) 

but instead I wake up all night long praying and begging God to keep my children safe

I am present with Alyssa, Bryson and Caleb. I make sure that I am HERE with them

However, their hearts long for the same thing that mine does

They long in the same way for their brother and sister to be home.

They long to know if their babies are fed, loved and held. 

Our hearts this season are a world away

Christmas is first about God's gift to us in the form of His Son Jesus

 However, Christmas has always been about family as well

and this year..we are not together. 

Even though we have never held Chloe and Eli in our arms. 

We have held these two in our hearts for so long

 The ache in my heart for them is so strong.

Please pray for our family this holiday season.

Pray that we would have them home soon but that we would trust

in God's timing. Pray that someone would hold them and feed them today!

O Christmas Tree

 

 

Tonight we began decorating our home for Christmas

and by that I really just mean that we put up our Christmas tree.

We didn't put one single decoration on it but it is officially UP :)

We had a WONDERFUL night doing it

Each year we go through the same routine. Every once in a while

we add a little something to make it great

This year it appears that mommy has flaked out a bit

No home made dinner, no Christmas music over the radio...

NOPE..

we ordered pizza

this momma rocked out vocals on every Christmas song I could remember

because we couldn't get our radio to play

but it was one of the greatest nights!

We baked cookies as usual and watched a great Christmas movie

 

We enjoyed every minute of being together and working as a team to get the tree up

Haha...obviously team building began to decline so we kicked out the ornaments for tonight

and will do those tomorrow.

 

The amazing thought is that if our adoption goes as expected, this will be our last Christmas as

a family of five.

While that is an exciting feeling and the next stage is greatly anticipated.

I wanted to really BE in the MOMENT tonight

Sometimes its so easy to long for, fight for and pour into our children that are without us that

we can look over some of the amazing moments that God has blessed us with.

I wanted to SEE my kiddos tonight.

Alyssa climbing on my lap while the boys handed the limbs to Cameron

Bryson was so excited to be such a big helper to his daddy

and Caleb just kept telling me how much he loved me.

I was with them tonight and loved every minute of it.

 

Of course our hearts constantly drift to a world that we know so little about

other than it holds two of the most precious people in the world. However,

tonight I was so thankful for those under my roof and eagerly anticipating

what this next several months hold

 

 

Ear Infection with a little Grief on the Side

It was such a small cry but this mommy hopped up and headed down the hall the very minute that I heard it.

Even at 2am, fresh out of a dead sleep, I knew the cry was coming from Bryson. 

He had mentioned earlier in the day that his ear felt funny. 

As most parents know...these things tend to get worse when all doctors are closed.

 I walked into his room and he was actually still sleeping but holding his ear and crying. 

Let me assure you those eyes didn't stay closed for long and his tiny cry quickly grew to the ear piercing stage.I ran and grabbed him some medicine and gave it to him. He just continued crying and I just hurt for him. 

I scooped him up and just cuddled him close ( because lets be honest...in moving houses I've lost my heating pad so I had to warm the old ear on mommy) 

As I cuddled him close I just rubbed his back and sang to him. 

I wanted to make the hurting go away and help him fall back to sleep

I just sang over the tears and loved him

While I was laying there next to him, I couldn't help but think how much I loved him

How I didn't mind being worn out the next day because I just wanted him to know I was there and that

in that moment...his ear hurting was way more important than me sleeping.

After he finally fell to sleep I walked out of his room and just sat in the hallway and cried

I found myself grieving for Eli and Chloe, two children that have potentially had to cry themselves to 

sleep many nights hurting, sad, and scared. I just wept for them. My heart aches deeply knowing

that again tonight they will be without their mommy to sing to them, without their daddy to tuck them in.

That is so hard. Their faces are constantly streaming through my head and heart. 

I want them to know just how much they are loved. 

I want them to know that they have been longed for, prayed for and fought for!!

 

For now, as their earthly mommy I have to place them yet again in the hands of their Heavenly Father.

Today is hard. It feels as though someone has my children and I can't get to them. They are 

in a world that I know little to nothing positive about. They are just not with me..even as I say that, again

the Father reminds me that He is with them. He loves them more than Cameron and I ever could imagine.

I continue to pray that a day quickly approaches when I can hold them, kiss them and let them know that 

they have a family that will never abandon them and of course more importantly that they have a Heavenly Father that will never abandon them. 

The strengthening of my faith continues.

Hoping For GOOD news :)

We are hoping to get some GREAT news this week!

We have received our Adoption Deed but are still waiting on two documents

to come in from DRC

We are waiting on their Certificate of Non Appeal and the children's New Birth Certificates

Once all of those items are in the I600 approval can begin 

That process can go quickly or take quite a while..you really never know!

With all of that being said...we have NO clue of when we will be heading to get our kiddos.

It could be December and it could be February 

We are just along for the ride 

Beauty In The Broken

Something that has captured me lately has been the idea of a broken bone.

Gross, I know!

However, I see that God is using that image to shape a new realization in my heart.

The idea of breaking a bone makes my entire body cringe.

The thought of the initial pressure and then the eventual snapping of the bone just sickens me

I truly can not imagine the pain

( moving on before you get too grossed out)

I heard something years ago that at the time I thought was interesting scientifically but had not really 

taken the time to think how it could relate to me spiritually. 

Now...I GET IT!

The statement was simply regarding a broken bone.

The person sharing stated that after a bone is broken it generally heals to be 

as strong if not stronger than it was before the break.

This seemed so strange to me. I had always assumed  that after a break, the bone would be

weak and fragile. Perhaps its use would even need to be restricted in some way.

However, this is obviously not the case. 

Upon a break the body immediately begins knitting itself back together
in order to heal the broken bone. Only the Creator could do such handy work.

This all brings me to the truth that God has been pressing into my heart for some time now.
While there are so many things in my life that are broken..and I mean BROKEN..not just cracked or slightly
damaged...I mean B.R.O.K.E.N. He is restoring me and knitting me back together in His time and with His strength running through all of those broken places.
God doesn't look at those things. No in fact, He has taken some of the most shattered pieces of my life and used them to pull me closer and closer to Him. Just as Scripture says COME to ME all who are weary and I will give you rest. In the hour of my brokenness He began restoring me. He began knitting my life and all the shattered pieces back together. While He held me in my brokenness the sound of His heartbeat filled the most empty places of my soul. When all I could do was give Him broken praise He continued breathing life into me. He was, even in what seemed to be my darkest hour, knitting me back together. Strengthening me through the storms of life. He never saw me as BROKEN..He always sees me as His own. I feel that He hurt for me but knew that these times would make me depend on Him more and desire His presence more.
I remember sitting in the car one day far longer than normal
I just couldn't find it in me to open that door and get out. I just sat there and began pouring my heart out to the Lord. I began saying EVERY emotion that came to my mind. Everything that I felt had been taken or broken. As I went through the list ( in what Im sure was such a childlike manner) The Father gently turned my whimpers of sorrow  into words of praise. I went from HURT to Healer... I went from DESPAIR to REDEEMER. He was restoring my soul one praise at a time.
While the hurt and sadness is never something that we would ask for on our own. When on the other side we can lift our hands and say Never Once Did We EVER walk alone!! I know that I can walk in confidence that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me more than I could imagine.
The years of my brokenness have brought me to a place of dependency on Him alone. The wounds are still healing but the restoration of my broken heart started LONG before I even knew it. He truly does make ALL things new.

I was never sure why God would call me..little ole me.. to be the mother to not only my three biological children, but to two children that have lived a life of such pain and hurt. Children that were born into brokenness. I was never sure if I was qualified and the thing that the Lord has shown me lately is this...
Im NOT qualified...Im not perfect! However, I understand brokenness. I understand a story that doesn't make sense and that seems hopeless. Even greater than those things, I now. TRULY understand the Lord that gives back the years the locusts have eaten. I understand to the core of my soul what its like to know that you and your story have been redeemed and made NEW.

That is why God has knit Chloe and Eli into our family. I trust that He will use the stories of our lives to knit us all together in only a way that He can. He will redeem their precious lives and they will not stay in brokenness. The Father is creating a story that is BEAUTIFUL! I choose to see the beauty. I know that there will be so much work to do on their little hearts when we get them but I see His hand in this and I trust Him to make ALL THINGS NEW!

Longing to Hold You

 

 

 

This week has been very difficult for me

My heart has simply ached to feel the weight of these babies in my arms

I have children sitting in an orphanage in the Democratic Republic of Congo

Let that sink in

I have TWO CHILDREN...

REAL CHILDREN

sitting in an ORPHANAGE in one of the top ten most dangerous cities in the WORLD

 

Every day that I wake up is one day closer to bringing them home

It is just so difficult. It is hard to go to sleep at night in my warm bed

after my warm bath knowing that my children do not have that same

luxury. It has just been hard this week.

 

We have passed our last 30 day non appeal period and so that is an obvious blessing

However, we are stuck right now because we do not have the funds to move forward

I am attempting with all that is in me to trust that God will provide..its just SO hard!

Plain and simple...Its hard to trust when you have NO clue where in the world it will come

from. Whew, this blind faith thing is NOT EASY!!!

 

The Lord has provided amazing friends old and new along the way to encourage me this

week! I have seen how He has knitted our hearts together and I just stand amazed.

 

If there was ONE thing right now that I would ask you to pray for it would be

this...

 

We are having a silent auction/benefit dinner this Saturday, Nov 3 at our church.

I would ask that you PRAY that we would raise enough money to move yet another

step closer to the babies! We are SO close...SO CLOSE!!

Please pray that people would truly understand the need

 

This blog is crazy because its so late and Im super tired after spending a weekend with

high school girls from our church. :)

 

Here are two of the latest pictures of our sweet babies

 

Chloe in her super cute jammies

 

and this is the latest picture of Eli.

He just looks so little

 



 

I would like to thank each of you for praying for our family.

We would not be able to get through this without them

 

THANK YOU

Doubting Thomas

 Cameron and the kids were all sleeping and had been for some time.

I continually tried closing my eyes and just could not fall asleep. 1am, 2am...the worry just continued

to grow in me. The thoughts of what I could do swarmed through my head. The conclusion...well, I clearly fell asleep before the conclusion

However, this morning I woke up with the same intense feeling. The room was still dark and as I was laying there , again my head was so quickly flooded with thoughts, questions and evrything in between.

 

The FEAR of knowing that money is due and we don't have it.

The SORROW that our children are back in their orphanage and Im not sure when we will get to them

The ANGER at myself for not planning better and being more prepared

The GUILT for not trying harder

 

I simply gave in to the reality that this is too big for me.

The financial need is too great and the timing is growing shorter

I could not help but laying there in that dark room feeling like I had

FAILED my children.

I have never felt like that throughout this whole process, when its been hard

when it just felt like it wasn't going to happen. I just continued seeing hope and promise

This morning was SO different.

I allowed my fear to cloud my faith!

 

The conclusion swept over me.

Of course in song ( thats how I roll)

My heart was flooded with these lyrics

"Oh Praise The Lord our Mighty Warrior, Praise the Lord the Glorious One

By His hand we stand in VICTORY by His name we've overcome"

 

For this doubting Thomas, that is what I needed to hear. I needed to be reminded

that this is NOT my battle. THe victory is HIS. He is fighting for these

children, HIS children! He has BEEN fighting for them!

How foolish to think He would stop now.

 

I am still 100% clueless as to how we will get the funding needed to bring them home.

I am, however, 100% certain that in His time we will

I know that He has called us to trust and walk by faith.

I know that to most it seems impossible.

 

That is why this is not about the possible. Its about making His name known through the impossible!

That is where we see His mighty hand! He has already moved mountains for Chloe and Eli and we trust He is faithful.

 

The need right now.

$5707

that is what our family needs in order to submit our case to Embassy, gain visas and passports for the children.

We are stopped at this point and our lawyer is not moving forward on processing this until he has the money in hand. We fully understand this and were not expecting to reach this point so quickly. After we are submitted to Embassy we receive a TRAVEL DATE to bring our babies home! Thats how close we are...

 

Please join us in BOLDLY praying that God would call people to join this journey with us financially to bring Chloe and Eli HOME. Thank you all in advance for your prayers and support of our family.