Trust

 

 

This week has been difficult

The closer that we get to bringing Chloe and Eli home

the more difficult it becomes to wait

 

There is a very empty place in my heart that God has specifically created

for these two children. He has given me a love for them that goes beyond

what I ever thought possible.

 

It happens to make every passing day without them that much harder

Knowing that I am here and they are not is a struggle.

The painful truth is that each night my children fall to sleep thousands of miles away

from their family. At the age of 2 have they ever been rocked to sleep? Have they

ever been hugged by someone that truly cared? Have they ever had someone

tuck them into bed, wipe their tears or hold them when they are sick?

 

These are the questions that spill through my heart and mind regularly.

Knowing that we are weeks away ( hopefully) from being with them is so hard

Of course we are excited but each day that no papers, passports or phone calls

come in is just another day that we are here and they are alone.

Its another day for them to get sick, not fed or something to go terribly wrong with the process.

Its just HARD

 

I am struggling to truly, with all of my heart, trust in the Lord.

It just feels like they should be with their family

However, I am very aware that the Father's ways are far higher than mine

I know that He sees the big picture. He is growing my faith and I believe

He is doing a work in their hearts as well. So I rest in Him...sometimes :)

I should say...so, I try my best to rest in Him

 

Several families have received their kiddos passports and I600s these past two weeks

It is such a great feeling to see families that I have prayed so hard for, gaining ground.

I have to be honest that it has stressed me a little that our passports have yet to come.

I've struggled today with the fact that so many families are with their children or are

moving and we seem to be standing still or back tracking. Our home study update has not

been sent to USCIS yet. They are wonderful and said they would get to it Dec. 27 and then

get it sent to us...which means we will overnight that bad boy to USCIS. After speaking

with our officer at USCIS today, she said she is just waiting on that for approval. SO,

lets  pray that happens quickly! ALso, the kids passports are still not here. We are not

really getting any info as to why that is but all we can assume is the strike threw things back

a bit and our kids just happen to get caught up in the crossfire of it all.

 

As soon as we receive passports and I600 approval from USCIS we will be given an Embassy

appointment. THEN, wait for kids visas then head to Get our BABIES! Our estimated travel is

still January at this rate. However, we just pray it stays that way and doesn't continue on

the current SLOW path :)

 

Thank you so much for your prayers.

Please pray that God would MOVE mountains and passports would arrive ASAP

and I600 approval. We are ready to go get our babies and bring them HOME

 

 

 

 

I 

Your Ways Are Higher

I carefully studied each of their faces in the rear view mirror this morning

I watched them laugh, sing and debate the latest brother sister issue

 I deeply soaked in the sounds that filled the car. I wanted to be certain that

I took the time to SEE them. As I pulled into the parking lot of the school I couldn't help

but take notice of the police car sitting at the fire station next door. Our community's attempt 

Im sure at bringing comfort to parents, teachers and students. My immediate reaction

to this was not comfort but instead fear. As I pulled up to the school to let Alyssa and 

Bryson out, I couldn't help but feeling as though I was handing them over to the world and

all of the evil that it holds. As we drove closer  to the door I continued letting them

know how much I loved them and that I would be praying for them. This is a typical 

car pool conversation as they hop out onto the sidewalk to head in to school. However, today

I felt a sense of desperation in my heart. I wanted them to KNOW that I loved them. I wanted

them to KNOW that even though I wasn't beside them that I was praying for them. As Alyssa

hopped out she turned to me and said Mom, I love you more than you know. Bryson ran 

ahead of her then turned back with the most precious smile and just waved good bye to me.

As I drove off I continued watching them as they walked into the building and down the hall.

As they disappeared from my sight a surge of panic gripped me. 

However, as quickly as the fear set in, an overwhelming truth was spoken to my heart.

They are in His hands

I know what its like to feel so completely out of control. I know what its like to pray and beg

God to spare your children from the absolute evil surrounding them. I know the fear of waking up

every day wondering if your child has made it another day. Why is it any different now?

The truth was telling. 

I had no choice but to place Chloe and Eli in God's hands. I truly had no choice. I can only

wake up and give them to Him. I can't see them, hold them or touch them. I have no idea

if someone is hurting them, feeding them or loving them. I have NO knowledge of how they

are. I can not control ONE thing that happens to them. I can not control ONE step of this

process to bringing them home. I HAVE NO CONTROL! So, what else would I do but

place them in God's hands. 

The Lord showed me this morning that I had not given Alyssa, Bryson and Caleb entirely to Him. 

Every day I  pray for them. Pray that they would be kind, see people how God sees them, do well on a test, not be picked on...but I never NEVER said if its your will for them to be home with you...

Let it be so

I had said it with Chloe and Eli time and time again but I truly believe with my older three I 

felt that I somehow controlled what happened to them because I drop them off, pick them up, feed them, love them, hold them...and the Lord has shaken me this morning. Placing my children

in His hands in not a choice. He is in control. Not me. No matter how closely I hold them He is still 

the giver and taker of life. 

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves my children, all five of them far beyond what I can

ever imagine. I place each of them in His hands. The Lord continually takes my heart to 

Philippians 3:20 " but our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly await a savior from there"

 This is not our final home. 

I will continue to pray for the families that have experienced a loss that is more heart wrenching than

I can fathom. My heart truly breaks for them. The thought of never holding my children again is 

beyond my ability to comprehend. The loss is so great. However, in the midst of it all I pray 

that somehow someone is drawn closer to the Father through this evil act. 

 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." Genesis 50:20

 

The Grinch

I have found myself struggling greatly this Christmas season

Its generally one of the most magical times of year for me

Every pancake is green or red and shaped like a Christmas tree

Christmas music is spilling all through the house from every radio

I can find and last but not least...Christmas Tree candles are EVERYWHERE

However, this year I find myself not able to jump right in as normal.

No pancakes, let alone green and red ones

Christmas music seems to be...annoying

and well, our pumpkins just came off the front porch this week

fall flowers still remain 

All of that to say

I think Im slightly Grinch like this year

I have enjoyed movie nights with my family 

and cookies and putting up the tree but Im just not

happy go lucky Merry Christmas everyone Me

I think something changes when you have children that are a world away

When your biggest concern is no longer what will people think of my casserole

this year but instead I pray my children get fed

Its  not about how many presents my children receive but instead will anyone

hold them today.

My thoughts are not on how my home looks to total strangers but instead are my 

children warm tonight.

The lenses that I am looking through this year are totally different 

I don't wake up and run to the store to see if I can stuff something else into my

children's stockings ( I mean, I will do that...on Christmas Eve of course) 

but instead I wake up all night long praying and begging God to keep my children safe

I am present with Alyssa, Bryson and Caleb. I make sure that I am HERE with them

However, their hearts long for the same thing that mine does

They long in the same way for their brother and sister to be home.

They long to know if their babies are fed, loved and held. 

Our hearts this season are a world away

Christmas is first about God's gift to us in the form of His Son Jesus

 However, Christmas has always been about family as well

and this year..we are not together. 

Even though we have never held Chloe and Eli in our arms. 

We have held these two in our hearts for so long

 The ache in my heart for them is so strong.

Please pray for our family this holiday season.

Pray that we would have them home soon but that we would trust

in God's timing. Pray that someone would hold them and feed them today!

O Christmas Tree

 

 

Tonight we began decorating our home for Christmas

and by that I really just mean that we put up our Christmas tree.

We didn't put one single decoration on it but it is officially UP :)

We had a WONDERFUL night doing it

Each year we go through the same routine. Every once in a while

we add a little something to make it great

This year it appears that mommy has flaked out a bit

No home made dinner, no Christmas music over the radio...

NOPE..

we ordered pizza

this momma rocked out vocals on every Christmas song I could remember

because we couldn't get our radio to play

but it was one of the greatest nights!

We baked cookies as usual and watched a great Christmas movie

 

We enjoyed every minute of being together and working as a team to get the tree up

Haha...obviously team building began to decline so we kicked out the ornaments for tonight

and will do those tomorrow.

 

The amazing thought is that if our adoption goes as expected, this will be our last Christmas as

a family of five.

While that is an exciting feeling and the next stage is greatly anticipated.

I wanted to really BE in the MOMENT tonight

Sometimes its so easy to long for, fight for and pour into our children that are without us that

we can look over some of the amazing moments that God has blessed us with.

I wanted to SEE my kiddos tonight.

Alyssa climbing on my lap while the boys handed the limbs to Cameron

Bryson was so excited to be such a big helper to his daddy

and Caleb just kept telling me how much he loved me.

I was with them tonight and loved every minute of it.

 

Of course our hearts constantly drift to a world that we know so little about

other than it holds two of the most precious people in the world. However,

tonight I was so thankful for those under my roof and eagerly anticipating

what this next several months hold

 

 

Ear Infection with a little Grief on the Side

It was such a small cry but this mommy hopped up and headed down the hall the very minute that I heard it.

Even at 2am, fresh out of a dead sleep, I knew the cry was coming from Bryson. 

He had mentioned earlier in the day that his ear felt funny. 

As most parents know...these things tend to get worse when all doctors are closed.

 I walked into his room and he was actually still sleeping but holding his ear and crying. 

Let me assure you those eyes didn't stay closed for long and his tiny cry quickly grew to the ear piercing stage.I ran and grabbed him some medicine and gave it to him. He just continued crying and I just hurt for him. 

I scooped him up and just cuddled him close ( because lets be honest...in moving houses I've lost my heating pad so I had to warm the old ear on mommy) 

As I cuddled him close I just rubbed his back and sang to him. 

I wanted to make the hurting go away and help him fall back to sleep

I just sang over the tears and loved him

While I was laying there next to him, I couldn't help but think how much I loved him

How I didn't mind being worn out the next day because I just wanted him to know I was there and that

in that moment...his ear hurting was way more important than me sleeping.

After he finally fell to sleep I walked out of his room and just sat in the hallway and cried

I found myself grieving for Eli and Chloe, two children that have potentially had to cry themselves to 

sleep many nights hurting, sad, and scared. I just wept for them. My heart aches deeply knowing

that again tonight they will be without their mommy to sing to them, without their daddy to tuck them in.

That is so hard. Their faces are constantly streaming through my head and heart. 

I want them to know just how much they are loved. 

I want them to know that they have been longed for, prayed for and fought for!!

 

For now, as their earthly mommy I have to place them yet again in the hands of their Heavenly Father.

Today is hard. It feels as though someone has my children and I can't get to them. They are 

in a world that I know little to nothing positive about. They are just not with me..even as I say that, again

the Father reminds me that He is with them. He loves them more than Cameron and I ever could imagine.

I continue to pray that a day quickly approaches when I can hold them, kiss them and let them know that 

they have a family that will never abandon them and of course more importantly that they have a Heavenly Father that will never abandon them. 

The strengthening of my faith continues.

Hoping For GOOD news :)

We are hoping to get some GREAT news this week!

We have received our Adoption Deed but are still waiting on two documents

to come in from DRC

We are waiting on their Certificate of Non Appeal and the children's New Birth Certificates

Once all of those items are in the I600 approval can begin 

That process can go quickly or take quite a while..you really never know!

With all of that being said...we have NO clue of when we will be heading to get our kiddos.

It could be December and it could be February 

We are just along for the ride 

Beauty In The Broken

Something that has captured me lately has been the idea of a broken bone.

Gross, I know!

However, I see that God is using that image to shape a new realization in my heart.

The idea of breaking a bone makes my entire body cringe.

The thought of the initial pressure and then the eventual snapping of the bone just sickens me

I truly can not imagine the pain

( moving on before you get too grossed out)

I heard something years ago that at the time I thought was interesting scientifically but had not really 

taken the time to think how it could relate to me spiritually. 

Now...I GET IT!

The statement was simply regarding a broken bone.

The person sharing stated that after a bone is broken it generally heals to be 

as strong if not stronger than it was before the break.

This seemed so strange to me. I had always assumed  that after a break, the bone would be

weak and fragile. Perhaps its use would even need to be restricted in some way.

However, this is obviously not the case. 

Upon a break the body immediately begins knitting itself back together
in order to heal the broken bone. Only the Creator could do such handy work.

This all brings me to the truth that God has been pressing into my heart for some time now.
While there are so many things in my life that are broken..and I mean BROKEN..not just cracked or slightly
damaged...I mean B.R.O.K.E.N. He is restoring me and knitting me back together in His time and with His strength running through all of those broken places.
God doesn't look at those things. No in fact, He has taken some of the most shattered pieces of my life and used them to pull me closer and closer to Him. Just as Scripture says COME to ME all who are weary and I will give you rest. In the hour of my brokenness He began restoring me. He began knitting my life and all the shattered pieces back together. While He held me in my brokenness the sound of His heartbeat filled the most empty places of my soul. When all I could do was give Him broken praise He continued breathing life into me. He was, even in what seemed to be my darkest hour, knitting me back together. Strengthening me through the storms of life. He never saw me as BROKEN..He always sees me as His own. I feel that He hurt for me but knew that these times would make me depend on Him more and desire His presence more.
I remember sitting in the car one day far longer than normal
I just couldn't find it in me to open that door and get out. I just sat there and began pouring my heart out to the Lord. I began saying EVERY emotion that came to my mind. Everything that I felt had been taken or broken. As I went through the list ( in what Im sure was such a childlike manner) The Father gently turned my whimpers of sorrow  into words of praise. I went from HURT to Healer... I went from DESPAIR to REDEEMER. He was restoring my soul one praise at a time.
While the hurt and sadness is never something that we would ask for on our own. When on the other side we can lift our hands and say Never Once Did We EVER walk alone!! I know that I can walk in confidence that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me more than I could imagine.
The years of my brokenness have brought me to a place of dependency on Him alone. The wounds are still healing but the restoration of my broken heart started LONG before I even knew it. He truly does make ALL things new.

I was never sure why God would call me..little ole me.. to be the mother to not only my three biological children, but to two children that have lived a life of such pain and hurt. Children that were born into brokenness. I was never sure if I was qualified and the thing that the Lord has shown me lately is this...
Im NOT qualified...Im not perfect! However, I understand brokenness. I understand a story that doesn't make sense and that seems hopeless. Even greater than those things, I now. TRULY understand the Lord that gives back the years the locusts have eaten. I understand to the core of my soul what its like to know that you and your story have been redeemed and made NEW.

That is why God has knit Chloe and Eli into our family. I trust that He will use the stories of our lives to knit us all together in only a way that He can. He will redeem their precious lives and they will not stay in brokenness. The Father is creating a story that is BEAUTIFUL! I choose to see the beauty. I know that there will be so much work to do on their little hearts when we get them but I see His hand in this and I trust Him to make ALL THINGS NEW!