Devotion VS Deceit

 

Devotion :often selfless affection and dedication as to a person or principle; aherence

 

Deceit: the act or pratice of misrepresenting or concealing the truth;trickery; fraud 

 

By definition, these words appear to be in striking contrast to one another.

However,Sunday as I sat amoung the believers of my particular congregation

I was drawn to one word that our pastor used. He was quoting a verse from Luke 2 which

describes Simeon as a devout and righteous man. He then went on to define both of these words.

I began letting that one word..devout.. play around in my mind.

As quickly as it entered another word was rising in me

DECEIT

 

I immediately understood the purpose of this in my heart

I asked the Lord  under which definition  I fall
I struggle with performance based approval..I truly think I always have
I assumed people like me based on the way I looked, how well I could do
something or what I brought to the table. It took me about 29 years to realize...
people may just like me for me
However, while this is a lesson I have been learning with my peers it
happens to be an area with the Lord that apparently I haven't quite wrapped
my heart around. How could He love ME? I can quickly fall into my
performance based approval mode...which often leaves me void of true passion
and desire to serve the Lord but instead with a need to gain His approval.

In my case my heart truly desires to follow...not just believe in Jesus Christ
The Lord has shown me little by little what that actually
looks like. For so long I thought that it was about appearance. What could I
DO for the Lord. What a prideful attitude! I found myself counting church
attendance and involvement as my faith. I am not suggesting my heart wasn't
in this...no, in fact quite the opposite. I looked to the Lord and thought how
can I SHOW Him how much I love Him and my natural reaction was to DO
enough that He would value me.
It makes my heart sad to even write that because when I am still I know the
Father loves me based on NOTHING I have done or ever could do. However,
I deceived myself for years and struggle to this day feeling like I am devoted to the
Lord when in reality I am devoted to the church...the actual building and all that
it requires of me. I have been lost in my own deceit, so blided by my empty efforts.

I pray that God continues to remove the blinders from my eyes. I am grateful
that my Heavenly Father looks at me with eyes that are filled with compassion.
He watches lovingly as I strive to be enough
All the while speaking to my heart that I am enough because of His Son
I pray that I adhere to Him and His purpose.
I no longer want to settle

Isn't it great that God takes us as we are
He doesn't require the shiny polished version but instead He accepts all
of the cracks, dirt and our broken efforts and patiently strips away those things
that do not reflect Him. Loving us all the while

 

 

 

 

Do I fight or run for the Hills?

 

 

 

I am TIRED

 

The deepest parts of my soul are spent

The battles seem to come day after day

I have been fighting and pushing back for so long

Its not even a consistent battle, there is no learning a stradegy to win
. No, in fact it comes in many

different forms. It often appears that when I'm about to  regain my stance

I am totally knocked out. I mean rock my world to the core knocked out.

Sometimes I just lay there for a while.The news, challenge,

or hurt has physically taken the breath from my lungs. I sinply lay there and wait

until the world around me stops spinning. Then, when I can stumble to my

feet, I go to my corner, bloody and beaten and I just

 pray that there is no bell to sound the next match...

at least not for today!

I have found myself lately just wanting to roll over and play dead
What a weak response to trial right?
Why yes...yes it is

These past two years have been more difficult than I could have ever imagined
I was not prepared for all that we would face
I had no idea how to handle most of what was thrown my way but
I've been able to put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving
Many days I found myself
 crying out to the Lord. I pleaded with Him to make it all go away
I begged Him to take the hurt away
Then, I  realized that isn't how it always works.
Sometimes the pain never goes away so He can continue to fill the wounds
with His healing mercy and grace

In the chaos
I was able to press hard into the chest of the Father. Crawl into His lap
 where I felt hidden from it all
and cry on His shoulders that were big enough to bare the weight of the world.
It was in those moments that He showed me how to fight
Many times I would fall into Him and beg Him to give me my next breath
and He would
He strengthened my steps day by day. As the battles came He made a
way in the darkness.
I remember when I was hit with  the most devestating and promising realization.
I was deep in pain and He genlty brought something to my heart.
Right before the moment my heart was broken, He was there
He allowed such pain into our lives yet held me all the while.
He never once left me. He knew that morning I woke up that my world would be
forever changed
That notion made me feel  betrayed. Why would God allow this
to happen in my life
Yet in the very next breath I was consumed by
 His presence. I knew and trusted His character
. I knew that while He allowed things to pass through His hands
His heart ached for me.
The fights of the past years have brought a new wave of endurance
A new understanding that pain and sorrow will come and He will remaind faithful
A new knowledge of what it feels like to have NOTHING under control yet know He
is working ALL things out for my good. and for the glory of His Name.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to throw in the towel every now and then
Those things that I walked through have all been in preparation for this very moment in time
When things just seem too big and too chaotic. I know He is there.
He was faithful then and I know He goes before us even now

He, no matter the outcome of it all
is FAITHFUL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Alyssa is TEN

HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY

Alyssa Hope

 

 

God blessed our family beyond measure when He chose to give

you to us!

I look at you and am amazed at the beautiful young lady that you are becoming

 

We can't wait to celebrate your special day tonight!!!

LOVE YOU Beautiful

A Week For HER

 

 I am taking a week off

 

This Friday is my daughter Alyssa's 10th birthday

It seems like yesterday when we were standing on the

bridge downtown with creepy Uncle Matt in the back ground

of this photo watching fireworks!

Time has FLOWN by!

 

 

 

This week is not going to be consumed by adoption hopes or disappointments

I have to take the focus off the things I can not control

and focus on the ones right in front of me

There is ALWAYS next week

My sweet husband and kiddos pointed out how I am obsessively checking my email

for updates on Chloe and Eli 

When Im in the car, Im checking my phone...when the kids are playing on the playground

my eyes are glued to the phone

When Im taking a bath, cooking dinner, sweeping, mopping, family movie night...

I've become one of THOSE MOMS :)

Now, I have convinced myself its for the other children

but that is coming to a STOP this week!

 

My sweet girl is turning TEN years OLD!

I can not believe it!

I want to make sure that I am 100% present this week

I do not want my worry or fear to take over her special birthday

 

I just keep telling myself it is ONE WEEK without updates.

I will check the mail for our i600 approval but other than that

Our family's focus this week will be Alyssa Hope :)

 



I wanted to update because my post on facebook stating that I would be stepping back

for a week caused many people to call, text or message me.

I didn't mean to alarm anyone.

For my family I need to step away and focus on them

 

We would ask that you continue to pray for Chloe and Eli.

We pray that you would cover our family in prayer in the coming days

We ask that you pray that we would continue feeling God's presence and His hand in

this journey. We thank each of you for loving our family

 

ps...don't judge if I play a game of bejewled every once in a while..

I have to keep up my mid level skills

( guilty pleasure)



Trust

 

 

This week has been difficult

The closer that we get to bringing Chloe and Eli home

the more difficult it becomes to wait

 

There is a very empty place in my heart that God has specifically created

for these two children. He has given me a love for them that goes beyond

what I ever thought possible.

 

It happens to make every passing day without them that much harder

Knowing that I am here and they are not is a struggle.

The painful truth is that each night my children fall to sleep thousands of miles away

from their family. At the age of 2 have they ever been rocked to sleep? Have they

ever been hugged by someone that truly cared? Have they ever had someone

tuck them into bed, wipe their tears or hold them when they are sick?

 

These are the questions that spill through my heart and mind regularly.

Knowing that we are weeks away ( hopefully) from being with them is so hard

Of course we are excited but each day that no papers, passports or phone calls

come in is just another day that we are here and they are alone.

Its another day for them to get sick, not fed or something to go terribly wrong with the process.

Its just HARD

 

I am struggling to truly, with all of my heart, trust in the Lord.

It just feels like they should be with their family

However, I am very aware that the Father's ways are far higher than mine

I know that He sees the big picture. He is growing my faith and I believe

He is doing a work in their hearts as well. So I rest in Him...sometimes :)

I should say...so, I try my best to rest in Him

 

Several families have received their kiddos passports and I600s these past two weeks

It is such a great feeling to see families that I have prayed so hard for, gaining ground.

I have to be honest that it has stressed me a little that our passports have yet to come.

I've struggled today with the fact that so many families are with their children or are

moving and we seem to be standing still or back tracking. Our home study update has not

been sent to USCIS yet. They are wonderful and said they would get to it Dec. 27 and then

get it sent to us...which means we will overnight that bad boy to USCIS. After speaking

with our officer at USCIS today, she said she is just waiting on that for approval. SO,

lets  pray that happens quickly! ALso, the kids passports are still not here. We are not

really getting any info as to why that is but all we can assume is the strike threw things back

a bit and our kids just happen to get caught up in the crossfire of it all.

 

As soon as we receive passports and I600 approval from USCIS we will be given an Embassy

appointment. THEN, wait for kids visas then head to Get our BABIES! Our estimated travel is

still January at this rate. However, we just pray it stays that way and doesn't continue on

the current SLOW path :)

 

Thank you so much for your prayers.

Please pray that God would MOVE mountains and passports would arrive ASAP

and I600 approval. We are ready to go get our babies and bring them HOME

 

 

 

 

I 

Your Ways Are Higher

I carefully studied each of their faces in the rear view mirror this morning

I watched them laugh, sing and debate the latest brother sister issue

 I deeply soaked in the sounds that filled the car. I wanted to be certain that

I took the time to SEE them. As I pulled into the parking lot of the school I couldn't help

but take notice of the police car sitting at the fire station next door. Our community's attempt 

Im sure at bringing comfort to parents, teachers and students. My immediate reaction

to this was not comfort but instead fear. As I pulled up to the school to let Alyssa and 

Bryson out, I couldn't help but feeling as though I was handing them over to the world and

all of the evil that it holds. As we drove closer  to the door I continued letting them

know how much I loved them and that I would be praying for them. This is a typical 

car pool conversation as they hop out onto the sidewalk to head in to school. However, today

I felt a sense of desperation in my heart. I wanted them to KNOW that I loved them. I wanted

them to KNOW that even though I wasn't beside them that I was praying for them. As Alyssa

hopped out she turned to me and said Mom, I love you more than you know. Bryson ran 

ahead of her then turned back with the most precious smile and just waved good bye to me.

As I drove off I continued watching them as they walked into the building and down the hall.

As they disappeared from my sight a surge of panic gripped me. 

However, as quickly as the fear set in, an overwhelming truth was spoken to my heart.

They are in His hands

I know what its like to feel so completely out of control. I know what its like to pray and beg

God to spare your children from the absolute evil surrounding them. I know the fear of waking up

every day wondering if your child has made it another day. Why is it any different now?

The truth was telling. 

I had no choice but to place Chloe and Eli in God's hands. I truly had no choice. I can only

wake up and give them to Him. I can't see them, hold them or touch them. I have no idea

if someone is hurting them, feeding them or loving them. I have NO knowledge of how they

are. I can not control ONE thing that happens to them. I can not control ONE step of this

process to bringing them home. I HAVE NO CONTROL! So, what else would I do but

place them in God's hands. 

The Lord showed me this morning that I had not given Alyssa, Bryson and Caleb entirely to Him. 

Every day I  pray for them. Pray that they would be kind, see people how God sees them, do well on a test, not be picked on...but I never NEVER said if its your will for them to be home with you...

Let it be so

I had said it with Chloe and Eli time and time again but I truly believe with my older three I 

felt that I somehow controlled what happened to them because I drop them off, pick them up, feed them, love them, hold them...and the Lord has shaken me this morning. Placing my children

in His hands in not a choice. He is in control. Not me. No matter how closely I hold them He is still 

the giver and taker of life. 

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves my children, all five of them far beyond what I can

ever imagine. I place each of them in His hands. The Lord continually takes my heart to 

Philippians 3:20 " but our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly await a savior from there"

 This is not our final home. 

I will continue to pray for the families that have experienced a loss that is more heart wrenching than

I can fathom. My heart truly breaks for them. The thought of never holding my children again is 

beyond my ability to comprehend. The loss is so great. However, in the midst of it all I pray 

that somehow someone is drawn closer to the Father through this evil act. 

 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." Genesis 50:20

 

The Grinch

I have found myself struggling greatly this Christmas season

Its generally one of the most magical times of year for me

Every pancake is green or red and shaped like a Christmas tree

Christmas music is spilling all through the house from every radio

I can find and last but not least...Christmas Tree candles are EVERYWHERE

However, this year I find myself not able to jump right in as normal.

No pancakes, let alone green and red ones

Christmas music seems to be...annoying

and well, our pumpkins just came off the front porch this week

fall flowers still remain 

All of that to say

I think Im slightly Grinch like this year

I have enjoyed movie nights with my family 

and cookies and putting up the tree but Im just not

happy go lucky Merry Christmas everyone Me

I think something changes when you have children that are a world away

When your biggest concern is no longer what will people think of my casserole

this year but instead I pray my children get fed

Its  not about how many presents my children receive but instead will anyone

hold them today.

My thoughts are not on how my home looks to total strangers but instead are my 

children warm tonight.

The lenses that I am looking through this year are totally different 

I don't wake up and run to the store to see if I can stuff something else into my

children's stockings ( I mean, I will do that...on Christmas Eve of course) 

but instead I wake up all night long praying and begging God to keep my children safe

I am present with Alyssa, Bryson and Caleb. I make sure that I am HERE with them

However, their hearts long for the same thing that mine does

They long in the same way for their brother and sister to be home.

They long to know if their babies are fed, loved and held. 

Our hearts this season are a world away

Christmas is first about God's gift to us in the form of His Son Jesus

 However, Christmas has always been about family as well

and this year..we are not together. 

Even though we have never held Chloe and Eli in our arms. 

We have held these two in our hearts for so long

 The ache in my heart for them is so strong.

Please pray for our family this holiday season.

Pray that we would have them home soon but that we would trust

in God's timing. Pray that someone would hold them and feed them today!