Trust

 

 

This week has been difficult

The closer that we get to bringing Chloe and Eli home

the more difficult it becomes to wait

 

There is a very empty place in my heart that God has specifically created

for these two children. He has given me a love for them that goes beyond

what I ever thought possible.

 

It happens to make every passing day without them that much harder

Knowing that I am here and they are not is a struggle.

The painful truth is that each night my children fall to sleep thousands of miles away

from their family. At the age of 2 have they ever been rocked to sleep? Have they

ever been hugged by someone that truly cared? Have they ever had someone

tuck them into bed, wipe their tears or hold them when they are sick?

 

These are the questions that spill through my heart and mind regularly.

Knowing that we are weeks away ( hopefully) from being with them is so hard

Of course we are excited but each day that no papers, passports or phone calls

come in is just another day that we are here and they are alone.

Its another day for them to get sick, not fed or something to go terribly wrong with the process.

Its just HARD

 

I am struggling to truly, with all of my heart, trust in the Lord.

It just feels like they should be with their family

However, I am very aware that the Father's ways are far higher than mine

I know that He sees the big picture. He is growing my faith and I believe

He is doing a work in their hearts as well. So I rest in Him...sometimes :)

I should say...so, I try my best to rest in Him

 

Several families have received their kiddos passports and I600s these past two weeks

It is such a great feeling to see families that I have prayed so hard for, gaining ground.

I have to be honest that it has stressed me a little that our passports have yet to come.

I've struggled today with the fact that so many families are with their children or are

moving and we seem to be standing still or back tracking. Our home study update has not

been sent to USCIS yet. They are wonderful and said they would get to it Dec. 27 and then

get it sent to us...which means we will overnight that bad boy to USCIS. After speaking

with our officer at USCIS today, she said she is just waiting on that for approval. SO,

lets  pray that happens quickly! ALso, the kids passports are still not here. We are not

really getting any info as to why that is but all we can assume is the strike threw things back

a bit and our kids just happen to get caught up in the crossfire of it all.

 

As soon as we receive passports and I600 approval from USCIS we will be given an Embassy

appointment. THEN, wait for kids visas then head to Get our BABIES! Our estimated travel is

still January at this rate. However, we just pray it stays that way and doesn't continue on

the current SLOW path :)

 

Thank you so much for your prayers.

Please pray that God would MOVE mountains and passports would arrive ASAP

and I600 approval. We are ready to go get our babies and bring them HOME

 

 

 

 

I 

Your Ways Are Higher

I carefully studied each of their faces in the rear view mirror this morning

I watched them laugh, sing and debate the latest brother sister issue

 I deeply soaked in the sounds that filled the car. I wanted to be certain that

I took the time to SEE them. As I pulled into the parking lot of the school I couldn't help

but take notice of the police car sitting at the fire station next door. Our community's attempt 

Im sure at bringing comfort to parents, teachers and students. My immediate reaction

to this was not comfort but instead fear. As I pulled up to the school to let Alyssa and 

Bryson out, I couldn't help but feeling as though I was handing them over to the world and

all of the evil that it holds. As we drove closer  to the door I continued letting them

know how much I loved them and that I would be praying for them. This is a typical 

car pool conversation as they hop out onto the sidewalk to head in to school. However, today

I felt a sense of desperation in my heart. I wanted them to KNOW that I loved them. I wanted

them to KNOW that even though I wasn't beside them that I was praying for them. As Alyssa

hopped out she turned to me and said Mom, I love you more than you know. Bryson ran 

ahead of her then turned back with the most precious smile and just waved good bye to me.

As I drove off I continued watching them as they walked into the building and down the hall.

As they disappeared from my sight a surge of panic gripped me. 

However, as quickly as the fear set in, an overwhelming truth was spoken to my heart.

They are in His hands

I know what its like to feel so completely out of control. I know what its like to pray and beg

God to spare your children from the absolute evil surrounding them. I know the fear of waking up

every day wondering if your child has made it another day. Why is it any different now?

The truth was telling. 

I had no choice but to place Chloe and Eli in God's hands. I truly had no choice. I can only

wake up and give them to Him. I can't see them, hold them or touch them. I have no idea

if someone is hurting them, feeding them or loving them. I have NO knowledge of how they

are. I can not control ONE thing that happens to them. I can not control ONE step of this

process to bringing them home. I HAVE NO CONTROL! So, what else would I do but

place them in God's hands. 

The Lord showed me this morning that I had not given Alyssa, Bryson and Caleb entirely to Him. 

Every day I  pray for them. Pray that they would be kind, see people how God sees them, do well on a test, not be picked on...but I never NEVER said if its your will for them to be home with you...

Let it be so

I had said it with Chloe and Eli time and time again but I truly believe with my older three I 

felt that I somehow controlled what happened to them because I drop them off, pick them up, feed them, love them, hold them...and the Lord has shaken me this morning. Placing my children

in His hands in not a choice. He is in control. Not me. No matter how closely I hold them He is still 

the giver and taker of life. 

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves my children, all five of them far beyond what I can

ever imagine. I place each of them in His hands. The Lord continually takes my heart to 

Philippians 3:20 " but our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly await a savior from there"

 This is not our final home. 

I will continue to pray for the families that have experienced a loss that is more heart wrenching than

I can fathom. My heart truly breaks for them. The thought of never holding my children again is 

beyond my ability to comprehend. The loss is so great. However, in the midst of it all I pray 

that somehow someone is drawn closer to the Father through this evil act. 

 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." Genesis 50:20

 

The Grinch

I have found myself struggling greatly this Christmas season

Its generally one of the most magical times of year for me

Every pancake is green or red and shaped like a Christmas tree

Christmas music is spilling all through the house from every radio

I can find and last but not least...Christmas Tree candles are EVERYWHERE

However, this year I find myself not able to jump right in as normal.

No pancakes, let alone green and red ones

Christmas music seems to be...annoying

and well, our pumpkins just came off the front porch this week

fall flowers still remain 

All of that to say

I think Im slightly Grinch like this year

I have enjoyed movie nights with my family 

and cookies and putting up the tree but Im just not

happy go lucky Merry Christmas everyone Me

I think something changes when you have children that are a world away

When your biggest concern is no longer what will people think of my casserole

this year but instead I pray my children get fed

Its  not about how many presents my children receive but instead will anyone

hold them today.

My thoughts are not on how my home looks to total strangers but instead are my 

children warm tonight.

The lenses that I am looking through this year are totally different 

I don't wake up and run to the store to see if I can stuff something else into my

children's stockings ( I mean, I will do that...on Christmas Eve of course) 

but instead I wake up all night long praying and begging God to keep my children safe

I am present with Alyssa, Bryson and Caleb. I make sure that I am HERE with them

However, their hearts long for the same thing that mine does

They long in the same way for their brother and sister to be home.

They long to know if their babies are fed, loved and held. 

Our hearts this season are a world away

Christmas is first about God's gift to us in the form of His Son Jesus

 However, Christmas has always been about family as well

and this year..we are not together. 

Even though we have never held Chloe and Eli in our arms. 

We have held these two in our hearts for so long

 The ache in my heart for them is so strong.

Please pray for our family this holiday season.

Pray that we would have them home soon but that we would trust

in God's timing. Pray that someone would hold them and feed them today!

O Christmas Tree

 

 

Tonight we began decorating our home for Christmas

and by that I really just mean that we put up our Christmas tree.

We didn't put one single decoration on it but it is officially UP :)

We had a WONDERFUL night doing it

Each year we go through the same routine. Every once in a while

we add a little something to make it great

This year it appears that mommy has flaked out a bit

No home made dinner, no Christmas music over the radio...

NOPE..

we ordered pizza

this momma rocked out vocals on every Christmas song I could remember

because we couldn't get our radio to play

but it was one of the greatest nights!

We baked cookies as usual and watched a great Christmas movie

 

We enjoyed every minute of being together and working as a team to get the tree up

Haha...obviously team building began to decline so we kicked out the ornaments for tonight

and will do those tomorrow.

 

The amazing thought is that if our adoption goes as expected, this will be our last Christmas as

a family of five.

While that is an exciting feeling and the next stage is greatly anticipated.

I wanted to really BE in the MOMENT tonight

Sometimes its so easy to long for, fight for and pour into our children that are without us that

we can look over some of the amazing moments that God has blessed us with.

I wanted to SEE my kiddos tonight.

Alyssa climbing on my lap while the boys handed the limbs to Cameron

Bryson was so excited to be such a big helper to his daddy

and Caleb just kept telling me how much he loved me.

I was with them tonight and loved every minute of it.

 

Of course our hearts constantly drift to a world that we know so little about

other than it holds two of the most precious people in the world. However,

tonight I was so thankful for those under my roof and eagerly anticipating

what this next several months hold

 

 

Ear Infection with a little Grief on the Side

It was such a small cry but this mommy hopped up and headed down the hall the very minute that I heard it.

Even at 2am, fresh out of a dead sleep, I knew the cry was coming from Bryson. 

He had mentioned earlier in the day that his ear felt funny. 

As most parents know...these things tend to get worse when all doctors are closed.

 I walked into his room and he was actually still sleeping but holding his ear and crying. 

Let me assure you those eyes didn't stay closed for long and his tiny cry quickly grew to the ear piercing stage.I ran and grabbed him some medicine and gave it to him. He just continued crying and I just hurt for him. 

I scooped him up and just cuddled him close ( because lets be honest...in moving houses I've lost my heating pad so I had to warm the old ear on mommy) 

As I cuddled him close I just rubbed his back and sang to him. 

I wanted to make the hurting go away and help him fall back to sleep

I just sang over the tears and loved him

While I was laying there next to him, I couldn't help but think how much I loved him

How I didn't mind being worn out the next day because I just wanted him to know I was there and that

in that moment...his ear hurting was way more important than me sleeping.

After he finally fell to sleep I walked out of his room and just sat in the hallway and cried

I found myself grieving for Eli and Chloe, two children that have potentially had to cry themselves to 

sleep many nights hurting, sad, and scared. I just wept for them. My heart aches deeply knowing

that again tonight they will be without their mommy to sing to them, without their daddy to tuck them in.

That is so hard. Their faces are constantly streaming through my head and heart. 

I want them to know just how much they are loved. 

I want them to know that they have been longed for, prayed for and fought for!!

 

For now, as their earthly mommy I have to place them yet again in the hands of their Heavenly Father.

Today is hard. It feels as though someone has my children and I can't get to them. They are 

in a world that I know little to nothing positive about. They are just not with me..even as I say that, again

the Father reminds me that He is with them. He loves them more than Cameron and I ever could imagine.

I continue to pray that a day quickly approaches when I can hold them, kiss them and let them know that 

they have a family that will never abandon them and of course more importantly that they have a Heavenly Father that will never abandon them. 

The strengthening of my faith continues.

Hoping For GOOD news :)

We are hoping to get some GREAT news this week!

We have received our Adoption Deed but are still waiting on two documents

to come in from DRC

We are waiting on their Certificate of Non Appeal and the children's New Birth Certificates

Once all of those items are in the I600 approval can begin 

That process can go quickly or take quite a while..you really never know!

With all of that being said...we have NO clue of when we will be heading to get our kiddos.

It could be December and it could be February 

We are just along for the ride 

Beauty In The Broken

Something that has captured me lately has been the idea of a broken bone.

Gross, I know!

However, I see that God is using that image to shape a new realization in my heart.

The idea of breaking a bone makes my entire body cringe.

The thought of the initial pressure and then the eventual snapping of the bone just sickens me

I truly can not imagine the pain

( moving on before you get too grossed out)

I heard something years ago that at the time I thought was interesting scientifically but had not really 

taken the time to think how it could relate to me spiritually. 

Now...I GET IT!

The statement was simply regarding a broken bone.

The person sharing stated that after a bone is broken it generally heals to be 

as strong if not stronger than it was before the break.

This seemed so strange to me. I had always assumed  that after a break, the bone would be

weak and fragile. Perhaps its use would even need to be restricted in some way.

However, this is obviously not the case. 

Upon a break the body immediately begins knitting itself back together
in order to heal the broken bone. Only the Creator could do such handy work.

This all brings me to the truth that God has been pressing into my heart for some time now.
While there are so many things in my life that are broken..and I mean BROKEN..not just cracked or slightly
damaged...I mean B.R.O.K.E.N. He is restoring me and knitting me back together in His time and with His strength running through all of those broken places.
God doesn't look at those things. No in fact, He has taken some of the most shattered pieces of my life and used them to pull me closer and closer to Him. Just as Scripture says COME to ME all who are weary and I will give you rest. In the hour of my brokenness He began restoring me. He began knitting my life and all the shattered pieces back together. While He held me in my brokenness the sound of His heartbeat filled the most empty places of my soul. When all I could do was give Him broken praise He continued breathing life into me. He was, even in what seemed to be my darkest hour, knitting me back together. Strengthening me through the storms of life. He never saw me as BROKEN..He always sees me as His own. I feel that He hurt for me but knew that these times would make me depend on Him more and desire His presence more.
I remember sitting in the car one day far longer than normal
I just couldn't find it in me to open that door and get out. I just sat there and began pouring my heart out to the Lord. I began saying EVERY emotion that came to my mind. Everything that I felt had been taken or broken. As I went through the list ( in what Im sure was such a childlike manner) The Father gently turned my whimpers of sorrow  into words of praise. I went from HURT to Healer... I went from DESPAIR to REDEEMER. He was restoring my soul one praise at a time.
While the hurt and sadness is never something that we would ask for on our own. When on the other side we can lift our hands and say Never Once Did We EVER walk alone!! I know that I can walk in confidence that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me more than I could imagine.
The years of my brokenness have brought me to a place of dependency on Him alone. The wounds are still healing but the restoration of my broken heart started LONG before I even knew it. He truly does make ALL things new.

I was never sure why God would call me..little ole me.. to be the mother to not only my three biological children, but to two children that have lived a life of such pain and hurt. Children that were born into brokenness. I was never sure if I was qualified and the thing that the Lord has shown me lately is this...
Im NOT qualified...Im not perfect! However, I understand brokenness. I understand a story that doesn't make sense and that seems hopeless. Even greater than those things, I now. TRULY understand the Lord that gives back the years the locusts have eaten. I understand to the core of my soul what its like to know that you and your story have been redeemed and made NEW.

That is why God has knit Chloe and Eli into our family. I trust that He will use the stories of our lives to knit us all together in only a way that He can. He will redeem their precious lives and they will not stay in brokenness. The Father is creating a story that is BEAUTIFUL! I choose to see the beauty. I know that there will be so much work to do on their little hearts when we get them but I see His hand in this and I trust Him to make ALL THINGS NEW!

Longing to Hold You

 

 

 

This week has been very difficult for me

My heart has simply ached to feel the weight of these babies in my arms

I have children sitting in an orphanage in the Democratic Republic of Congo

Let that sink in

I have TWO CHILDREN...

REAL CHILDREN

sitting in an ORPHANAGE in one of the top ten most dangerous cities in the WORLD

 

Every day that I wake up is one day closer to bringing them home

It is just so difficult. It is hard to go to sleep at night in my warm bed

after my warm bath knowing that my children do not have that same

luxury. It has just been hard this week.

 

We have passed our last 30 day non appeal period and so that is an obvious blessing

However, we are stuck right now because we do not have the funds to move forward

I am attempting with all that is in me to trust that God will provide..its just SO hard!

Plain and simple...Its hard to trust when you have NO clue where in the world it will come

from. Whew, this blind faith thing is NOT EASY!!!

 

The Lord has provided amazing friends old and new along the way to encourage me this

week! I have seen how He has knitted our hearts together and I just stand amazed.

 

If there was ONE thing right now that I would ask you to pray for it would be

this...

 

We are having a silent auction/benefit dinner this Saturday, Nov 3 at our church.

I would ask that you PRAY that we would raise enough money to move yet another

step closer to the babies! We are SO close...SO CLOSE!!

Please pray that people would truly understand the need

 

This blog is crazy because its so late and Im super tired after spending a weekend with

high school girls from our church. :)

 

Here are two of the latest pictures of our sweet babies

 

Chloe in her super cute jammies

 

and this is the latest picture of Eli.

He just looks so little

 



 

I would like to thank each of you for praying for our family.

We would not be able to get through this without them

 

THANK YOU

Doubting Thomas

 Cameron and the kids were all sleeping and had been for some time.

I continually tried closing my eyes and just could not fall asleep. 1am, 2am...the worry just continued

to grow in me. The thoughts of what I could do swarmed through my head. The conclusion...well, I clearly fell asleep before the conclusion

However, this morning I woke up with the same intense feeling. The room was still dark and as I was laying there , again my head was so quickly flooded with thoughts, questions and evrything in between.

 

The FEAR of knowing that money is due and we don't have it.

The SORROW that our children are back in their orphanage and Im not sure when we will get to them

The ANGER at myself for not planning better and being more prepared

The GUILT for not trying harder

 

I simply gave in to the reality that this is too big for me.

The financial need is too great and the timing is growing shorter

I could not help but laying there in that dark room feeling like I had

FAILED my children.

I have never felt like that throughout this whole process, when its been hard

when it just felt like it wasn't going to happen. I just continued seeing hope and promise

This morning was SO different.

I allowed my fear to cloud my faith!

 

The conclusion swept over me.

Of course in song ( thats how I roll)

My heart was flooded with these lyrics

"Oh Praise The Lord our Mighty Warrior, Praise the Lord the Glorious One

By His hand we stand in VICTORY by His name we've overcome"

 

For this doubting Thomas, that is what I needed to hear. I needed to be reminded

that this is NOT my battle. THe victory is HIS. He is fighting for these

children, HIS children! He has BEEN fighting for them!

How foolish to think He would stop now.

 

I am still 100% clueless as to how we will get the funding needed to bring them home.

I am, however, 100% certain that in His time we will

I know that He has called us to trust and walk by faith.

I know that to most it seems impossible.

 

That is why this is not about the possible. Its about making His name known through the impossible!

That is where we see His mighty hand! He has already moved mountains for Chloe and Eli and we trust He is faithful.

 

The need right now.

$5707

that is what our family needs in order to submit our case to Embassy, gain visas and passports for the children.

We are stopped at this point and our lawyer is not moving forward on processing this until he has the money in hand. We fully understand this and were not expecting to reach this point so quickly. After we are submitted to Embassy we receive a TRAVEL DATE to bring our babies home! Thats how close we are...

 

Please join us in BOLDLY praying that God would call people to join this journey with us financially to bring Chloe and Eli HOME. Thank you all in advance for your prayers and support of our family.

 

 

Eli after having jiggers removed

 We received news that Eli has been running a fever

They are not certain what the root of the problem  is 

however, their hope was perhaps the jiggers had caused 

the fever. They took him to the pediatrician who recommended

having his jiggers removed immediately.

This is our agency director's husband that has gone over to care for these 

precious babies. Our friends little girls had their feet worked on this

week as well. I was hopeful that they would be able to stay together

however, with Eli's fever and his apparent love for crying :)

they decided to place him in the home of a pastor and his wife

Our agency director's husband and daughter have their hands FULL with

several little ones post op. so this truly was the best option.

We also found that Chloe had surgery the following day ( yesterday) 

and was being sent to stay with Eli in the pastor's home.

We have not heard back from DRC regarding Chloe and Eli but I 

have full confidence that the minute our agency hears, they will let us know.

We can not wait to hear about how Eli's fever is. 

I am struggling seeing this precious baby boy being loved on by someone other than me

after surgery ( how selfish of me!!!) but its the truth. 

How I long to have that precious hand on my shoulder! 

ONE DAY

ONE DAY

I will continue telling myself that

For now, here are his sweet pictures after surgery

 While I may be so jealous that its not me holding Eli...

I must admit I have NEVER been more thankful for someone in my life

Oh, stepping in and loving on my sick boy

What a beautiful picture of the Gospel 

Precious Eli, your mommy loves you! I love you with all of my heart and

can not wait to hold you in my arms. I truly long for the day that I can see you face

to face, sing you bedtime songs, and kiss your precious face. How I love you sweet boy.

Please join us in praying that these little ones feet will heal quickly.

Please pray that Eli's fever will come under control soon

Pray that it was related to his feet and nothing more serious. 

Also, pray that we would accept God's will in all of this and move 

forward in confidence

Job of the Bible or Eeyore of the Hundred Acres Woods?

At least in the Smalley house!

My heart is so heavy!

The trials that we have faced and are still facing over the past year and a half are just threatening

to squeeze the life out of us. I know that sounds dramatic but  I assure you if I could climb in bed, black out my windows and throw the covers over my head...I WOULD! 

I've said that I feel like Job from the Bible. He had everything taken from him. Stripped of his

family as he knew it, home as he knew it, LIFE as he knew it. Well, THAT IS ME!

However, I also am quickly reminded that perhaps I should compare myself to someone

other than Job. After all, satan did find Job to be so righteous that he just wanted to prove that such an amazing man would curse God in the heat of suffering. Job was being hit from every angle. One messenger would report and then another and another. I have at least had a 16 month span of time to get slammed

OH, how I do NOT relate to Job!

I remember falling in the floor of my house after everyone had left just sobbing my eyes out

I remember driving down the road screaming so hard that it hurt MY ears

and just asking God WHY!?!?!

I've been bitter

I've been SO angry

so, lets be honest...JOB...not close! 

MORE LIKE THIS GUY

So, now that we have cleared that up lets move on :)

We just can not figure out when its going to stop!

We laugh/sigh heavily :) and wonder what in the WORLD it must be like to have only

ONE thing going on at a time

I swear I keep looking at Cameron and think I may need to take us both out in the ocean and see who the Jonah is. Lets get this thing over with! Lets jump out and see who the whale swallows! The seas will surely be calmed then...right?

Feet Update on C&E

 

Quick update:

 

On our weekly chat we learned tonight that two of the little girls

have had surgery. Their surgery took place Saturday and everything

went well. From what I understand one little girl will be having

surgery fairly soon.

 

When we asked our agency director tonight about the twins,

she suggested they would be receiving an evaluation. It is believed

that they will potentially just have the jiggers removed with sedation.

Perhaps their feeet are not as bad as some of the older children.

 

We are just ready to have them home.

It is beyond difficult to be apart while attempting to

make good decisions for them. It boils down to faith

I can not place my trust in the people observing the babies.

I can not place my trust in their facilities or medicine

I MUST place my faith in the One that called us to them

 

Psalm 20 

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God".

 

Never Once

 

 

My heart is breaking

 

The news today from the orphanage has not been good

 In fact, the situation with the children's feet has gotten much worse

Today another doctor came to see the children and said that two of the girls needed

surgery on their feet immediately. It is feared that gangrene has begun setting in.

These little girls will be having surgery tomorrow if all goes as planned

 

The need is still so great. They are trying to scramble and gather a team of

people that would possibly be willing to travel to care for these little ones

while they have surgery and after. Sending them back into the orphanage

post surgery would be placing them back into the same environment that

caused the issue to begin with. Only now, with more open wounds. This

would cause huge set backs and another potential surgery.

 

Our agency is working diligently to bring relief to the children but it is very

difficult to put together a team to travel at the last minute as well as

gain visas and passports.

 

This need is urgent.

 

I have nothing that I can do

I FEEL HELPLESS

 

My sister called and shared this song with me tonight

as always she called at the perfect time

I have been feeling very overwhelmed today.

It is easy in these type of situations to be sent into panic

How quickly can we get there

What is going to happen if we don't make it to Congo

Would the Lord bring us on this journey for it to end horribly?

What if he has called us to love children that may never make it to our home?

 

I know these are extreme thoughts but they are the fears that have been clamoring around in my head all day. I have felt captured by fear and sadness. I have felt so alone. SO SMALL!! Unable to fix anything!

 

 

 

The reality is that this entire journey could simply be about obedience.

It may not end the way that we hope and long for but in the end

His ways are HIGHER

We are not walking alone and our precious babies are not alone

He is there with them. I pray that HE reveals himself in ways to them that only HE can

I pray that He draws near to them when the pain is overwhelming.

I pray that His will be done

Even as I write this, the reality of what that could be sends waves of sorrow through my heart

I will continue to trust

I will continue to shout how faithful HE is

 

I will cling to the knowledge that all of this is for HIS glory and to make His name known

 

In this valley I will sing songs of praise.

I chose to trust in HIM

( now, that is today...tomorrow I will most likely revert back to the version of me that is curled up under the covers crying)

BUT FOR TONIGHT

this is my heart

 

 

 

 



Carry Your Name

It was just me and my four year old Caleb in the sanctuary on this day

The shoes needed to be counted and tied together

They had been in their boxes on a table in the hallway outside of the sanctuary

I knew that there were so many items that needed to be counted and at that moment I had a choice 

I began taking them out of their packaging and felt so unsettled

My heart continued urging me to take each pair of shoes, shoe laces and socks

and lay them on the altar.

Over the next few hours, we took each of those items, held them in our hands and

placed them and their Kingdom  purpose at the foot of our Father. In the quiet of the 

building He met us there. 

This song continued spilling from my lips as the overwhelming reality of this took hold of me

These are not simply shoes

They are the Gospel

I realize that my role in this is small but even in the minor things

I want to be faithful to carry His name!

The mission behind Shoes for Orphan Souls has always been something that my heart has connected with. However, with each year that we participate in this shoe drive my passion and understanding increases. This year has been no different. 

Knowing that children around the world need shoes, socks and shoe laces is enough to get most people motivated to give. However, when we as Christ followers understand that this is an opportunity for the Gospel to be taken to these little ones...how can we say no?

Perhaps it is our ability to disconnect ourselves from things that do not directly affect us. It isn't that we don't care! No, it is simply that we see an image and in two seconds we have already moved on to the next topic at hand. As a matter of fact, we assume that someone else will care for these needs.

I know this because I have been the one to hand responsibility over to someone else. I have placed the problem in someone else's hands. 

The Lord set my passion for this ministry and my reality on a collision course. Oddly enough they have met the month of our Shoes For Orphan Souls shoe drive. 

We received word that Chloe and Eli's orphanage had been infested with jiggers. We had been uncertain as to whether or not both of our children actually had them. Last night, our agency called an emergency meeting for all of the parents with children at their orphanage. Our director went on to explain that most all of the children have them. She also confirmed that both Chloe and Eli have them fairly badly. 

MIGHT I JUST SAY...our internet stopped working at 8:56. The chat online began at 9. so I had to speed down the street to McDonalds to use their internet while attempting to not sob while sitting and chatting.

She went on to say that the children each are suffering greatly. She shared the they will each need surgery to relieve the pain. It will cost $1500 per child but the biggest concern is that the children will be exposed to reinfestation once they have the surgery. There are so many concerns for us as parents. 

Our director sent photos of our children and their feet last night. 

These are no longer someone else's children

These are no longer 

"just an orphan's feet"

THESE ARE MY SON AND DAUGHTER'S FEET

They are infected with jiggers

The ONE thing that could have prevented this is

SHOES

I am still a little overwhelmed at this reality

but I see the Father's hand in this already

I may not understand it all but I do trust the heart of the Father

I see that he is using these precious little one's feet to open people's eyes and hearts to the need

For that...this mommy is thankful

God has great plans for these children

HIS WAYS ARE HIGHER

Shoes For Orphan Souls

The night before our Shoes For Orphan Souls collection was to begin

I sat on the couch searching through video after video

My prayer was that I would pick just the right one that would awaken people

to this great need. That perhaps this video would ignite a passion in someone's

heart that would be life changing. I know...a lot of pressure on a VIDEO :)

As the video played during the service on Sunday I quickly realized that I

had forgotten my paper with a nice bullet point message

As quickly as that reality hit , the Lord  reminded me it was NOT about human efforts 

OR A VIDEO :)

After I said..whatever it was that I said

the shoe collection officially began :)

I had no idea what was in store for me this year.

I know that every year the Father uses this ministry to speak to my heart

This year has been amazing and extremely personal.

The lessons have been deeper than ever and the love for this amazing

ministry and their mission has grown exponentially

Shortly after the kick off to our shoe drive all of the families with little ones in

Chloe and Eli's orphanage were informed that their orphanage was dealing with an

infestation of jiggers. There were three families that were with their children

in DRC picking them up. Two of the families had to take their little ones

to the doctor to have these removed. The doctors were unable to remove them in their office ( from what I gather ) and the children

were sent to the hospital to have surgery.

The families were each charged $1000 and waited for an entire day

to have the surgery. After the surgery their children's feet and hands were bandaged and they

were sent back to the guest home with their new family.

Here is a picture of one little boy's foot

Please don't take the easy way out and simply scroll through this picture

I would ask you to LOOK at it

This little boy simply ran around an orphanage playing

What could have prevented this from happening

SHOES

This reality hit me like a ton of bricks

I had just gone out and bought my kids shoes for school and didn't really think twice about it

we walked in the store, picked the ones they wanted and bought them.

It was that easy

SHOES would have prevented this little boy from getting jiggers so badly in his feet that a doctor couldn't get to them without surgery. Shoes that I had just strolled in and selected based on color and comfort. 

NOT NECESSITY

As soon as I heard the news that their orphanage had been affected by these bugs,

I immediately went to each photo that we had been given. I sat there just crying over

every picture that did not reveal anything. I wanted to know if they had them

Our director said most likely yes. She said that most all children would be affected.

However, I wanted to KNOW. I went to each photo and zoomed in on their feet.

 Then I saw this photo of Chloe

I had come across it earlier and we thought she must have hurt her foot

She is crying and holding her foot in a few of the photos

Now with this news we assumed that she too had the same issues going on with her little feet

Talk about irrational! The mommy in me was checking into savings accounts and seeing what it would cost to GET TO HER!

I was sitting here crying and feeling as though I could do nothing!

I just began asking friends and family to pray

That is ALL that I knew to do

 I was able to call my sister and share with her. She was  sad but had enough

sanity in her to remind me that the first 2 years of these children's lives, I wasn't there.

She spoke TRUTH IN LOVE! Who was I to think that my presence was greater than HIS?

She gently brought me back from the edge of heading to Congo with not a sane bone in my body 

The next wave of news was equally sad 

One of the families shared that the other children may not be treated because they are 

"just orphans"

While Chloe and Eli have a mommy that is sitting and praying for their safety, health and care each night...they are currently 2 out of 147 million orphans. Children that are not seen, Children that are not heard, children that are not even able to have infected feet cared for. That is the realistic life of an orphaned child.... MY CHILD.

I have no doubt that this all happened when it did for a purpose. 

Two of the children had their parents there to take them to the hospital and care for them

For me it has grown my faith and once again tested my ability to trust in God's mighty power. 

One of the larger understandings is that there are children EVERYWHERE that are dealing with 

these issues. There is such an easy solution to this problem.

SHOES

It seems so simple. 

All you have to do is purchase a pair of shoes, shoe laces or socks. They are then distributed all over the globe to children that have NO other way of receiving such a gift. 

We are the body of Christ here on earth. If WE are not showing Christ to these children...

WHO IS

Give a pair of shoes so that ONE child would hear the name of Jesus

What am I doing?

Well, I have done it again everyone!

 

I have signed up for another race. WHY you may be asking?!?!

Well, to be honest I have no idea.

All I can think is that I bought some new running shoes which apparently gave me an extreme

false sense of courage and ability!

 

I will, once again, take you back in time to another race that was run and lived through

sort of

You can read about that Here

 

So, we shall see what tomorrow holds

but for now, this lady is off to bed

WOOHOO

We are so excited that we have passed Court 1

This is consent court

Now we will be waiting to hear about Court 2

This happens to be Adoption Court and we will have a 30 day wait period

after we pass this. They children will then legally be ours!

We can NOT WAIT to hear that we have passed

COURT 2

Please just keep praying that we will rest in God's timing

Also pray for our children as they are in DRC

NOW..SOME EXCITING NEWS!!

We are so excited to say that three families from our agency will be traveling to

Democratic Republic of Congo

to go and pick their children up! We are so thrilled for each of these families

and little ones that are finally getting to come home and have a FAMILY!

We are also very excited because one family going has been so kind and they are

going to take Eli and Chloe their care packages.

As their mommy and daddy we are most excited about them seeing our faces for the first time

They will most likely not understand who we are AT ALL but it is just such a special time for us here on this side of the ocean!

We stuffed a few extra goodies but just love the idea that they will finally be seeing their FAMILY!!



Shoes for Orphan Souls

One of my favorite things happens to take place this month

We begin our collection for

SHOES FOR ORPHAN SOULS!

It is always such an amazing time for me personally

My eyes are so often opened to a new and deeper reality of who God is

I remember last year I found myself each day heading up to church to see if any more

shoes, socks or shoe laces had been turned in. I was somewhat a crazy woman about it all!

I think that somewhere between receiving the promo packet and setting up the tables for the collection God got a hold of my heart.

This shoe drive was no longer about patting ourselves on the back because we let a few bucks go to buy a pair of shoes. No, it was FAR beyond that! The Lord opened my heart to the reality of this amazing ministry! The reality of their mission that we had been granted permission to be a part of!

Our Shoes for Orphan Souls collection was a life changing moment for me and my walk with Christ last year!

With every item that came in, it was so clear to me that God wanted me to SEE the bigger picture.

It is easy to be caught up in the idea of "we need to buy some shoes for the collection at church"

HOWEVER, when the Lord grips your heart and allows you to see that this is not all about shoes...

that is when the change begins!

Each shoe, shoe lace and pair of socks donated last year represented a child that would not only receive a pair of shoes but MOST important of all,

they would HEAR THE GOSPEL!

I remember laying each pair of shoes out to prepare to box them up. It seemed that they went on for days..which I LOVED! As I crawled around on the floor making sure each was tied together, I just poured over each pair in prayer. We had collected 316 pairs of shoes last year and I couldn't pull myself away from prayer. I knew that with each pair of shoes, the Lords name would be lifted up. I knew that all of this was for HIS glory! 236 pairs of sock! 119 shoe laces!

HAHA...I stand in AWE again tonight as tomorrow is our kick off date. I know that God is going to amaze me again this year.

So, I am not setting a goal again this year! His ways are not my ways...His ways are HIGHER!

Looking forward to another great collection!

Lets see how many children will hear the Gospel

In HIS hands

 

 O LORD, you are our Father. 

We are the clay, you are the Potter;

 we are all the work of your hand.

Isaiah 64:8

I spent a little time ( and I do mean a LITTLE time) researching some information

on pottery clay. I found it interesting that the Lord chose to use this in Isaiah and wanted

to see for myself why I am so drawn to this verse lately.

You see, while my year has been filled with amazing highlights

there have also been several things that I would have preferred to not go through.

I know that the Bible tells us that God is working all things together for good to those who love Him. I trust that with all of my heart. As believers we are NOT kept from the heartaches and pains of the world.  We live in a fallen world and we are a fallen people. I stand in amazement of God's grace that He consistently shows me.

I believe that is why I was so taken by this photo. The idea that we are all a work of HIS hand is overwhelming to my frail mind. I can not fathom a love so great and a creator that would desire to continue molding and shaping me. 

Back to my 'research' on pottery clay.
I was so drawn in by the explanation of what clay is and how it is made. Basically we are told that clay is made of  fine grained minerals and is formed over time due to chemical weathering and hydrothermal activity. They ( whoever THEY are) said that clay is plastic when wet and firm when it dries. This is not for a science report so back off :)

This description gripped my heart. The scripture came to life for me in that moment

I see that I am a composition of many things

SELFISHNESS

PRIDE

ANGER

( the list could go on but I will let those few things soak in and spare you the rest)

The Father is soaking me with grace, drenching me with mercy and

gently shaping me with HIS HANDS

The times that have caused such hurt and heartache are those times when I can simply collapse into His grace. There He holds me close and continues spinning the Potter's wheel. The times when I turn from Him and choose to reject His love...

He never leaves me nor forsakes me...

He continues spinning the Potter's wheel. 

 I choose today to stand in awe of WHO HE IS

He is the Potter that is taking my weaknesses and using them for His glory

He is using the hurts in my life to shape a heart that understands grace

The end result of clay is that it becomes firm. It is SET and ready to be put on display

That is where I pray I will never be

You know where clay things are right?

shelves, end tables, flower beds

I pray that I always remain fully aware of the work that I am. I am not complete

I am also not a lump of useless clay

I am a masterpiece in the making!

HE is molding and shaping me and will continue doing so until 

I reach my HOME in Heaven

Who wants to be a SET clay pot on the shelf of their TEMPORARY home

Mommies don't get sick RIGHT?

Well, this mommy has been WIPED out 

Sunday night I started feeling bad and by Monday I had a pretty yucky fever

They thought I had bronchitis and sent me home with some medicine

I ended up running a 103 fever most of the night so headed back in

Tuesday only to find out that I have pneumonia!

 BOO ON THAT 

So, no updates from this mommy because quite frankly, 

I DON"T FEEL WELL :)

Pleasant surprise

I was able to watch a precious video of the children at our little one's orphanage today.

I can not tell you what a pure blessing that was to this mommy's heart!

Chloe was in there quite a bit. I was able to hear her sweet little voice and watch her 

interact with the other beautiful children around her. It was so precious. She just picked up

her little dress and seemed slightly shy. Her tiny feet were attempting to walk in some very over sized

pink slippers. She looked happy. I can't say I saw her smile yet but she still looked very happy...

UNTIL

We saw her in a few more minutes after she was clearly pitching a FIT in the dirt. All of the other

children had run quickly to look at themselves on the camera. She is one of the youngest and it appears that she felt like she wasn't fast enough so just just throws herself face flat into the dirt. Hands out body completely down for the count. She was devastated ( 2 year old style) Then her 

sorrow turned super two year old. One of the men attempted to pick her up to stand and she began arching her little back. We then saw that this had also made Eli cry. He was not about to let her get all of the attention. 

I can not tell you how much seeing them meant to me. I have longed for just a piece of their life. I ache to know something. The video showed a little more of where they live and also several of their precious friends. All of the children seemed so happy and full of life. It was such a reminder of how the Lord has protected these babies and how He has such an amazing plan for lives. 

In a few weeks the family that has our care package is going to be heading to Congo to pick up their little girl. I am so thrilled that Chloe and Eli will finally see our faces. It may mean nothing to them for now but it does something great to my heart just thinking about it.

The Color Run...or MY DEATH

Yes indeed!

It is that MOST AWFUL time in my life again 

when I am talked into participating in a race.

I thought being part of the HUMAN race would cover it but NO

Some people out there feel that actually running with others is fun

and encouraging.

If any of you have been following my crazy life for a while..
you may remember my running history.
For those of you that haven't...you can read that HERE

Sitting at dinner with my family one night, my brother in law Matt
pulled out his phone and showed us a race that he was participating in.
Watching the video I was immediately taken to a world without three children and 

high school abilities. I had said yes before I even thought about it! 

I went on my first run a few weeks ago and within the first FIVE miles ( oh, I mean MINUTES)

I knew that I had signed my life away! The reality hit when I thought I was running like this

For a while there I really felt the wind blowing through my hair,

my pulse was pumping and I was flying by every car I saw

Then something happened. 

The wind stopped blowing, the light turned green and my heart actually began feeling like 

it might explode. The light pumping that I had felt earlier was quickly taken over by a HARSH POUNDING...which basically was my body sobbing at this sudden desire to move faster than normal

I soon realized that i was no cheetah but instead

an OLD OLD lady

All I know is that so far my prep experiences have been less than ideal.

I took out to run the other night which ended up being LATE. So, I called

my brother in law and he said he would take me. No creepers for me!

So, we went downtown to run. 

Immediately upon stepping out of the car, we heard the first quite clap of thunder.

It wasn't horrible and Matt laughed and made a comment about how we better hurry

Well, as you found out above...my translation of hurry is not everyone elses :)

We had gone about 1.5 miles when the rain, thunder, lightening and WIND came down!

Something i HATE is wind. I know...that might be stupid but I really hate it. So, now

my fluffy self was running downtown, in the sideways rain, thunder and dodging lightening.

We had to head into a parking garage..were the security guard yelled that we should be running on the sidewalk NOT in the garage. ( Im pretty sure he was kidding) Then we made it to an ATM machine where we stood for a few minutes hoping the rain would decrease. IT ONLY GOT WORSE! We then sprinted ( and that for me is anything more than a jog) to the next inlet which happened to be a staircase. Standing there for a minute things got a little crazier. We then saw a man run by with only socks on. We looked down the road to see our next hole to duck into. It was a bank. We ran and stood there for a while. We still had 5 blocks or so to go. The wind was picking up and it wasn't getting better! There was a security guard standing inside and so Matt decided to leave me there with his phone ( that I didn't have the code for) and he sprinted and got the  car. I stood there like a baby scared to DEATH, praying, tearing up and shaking. The security guard came close to the door at one point when the wind picked up but then went to sit back down. Ahh...then, MATT SHOWED UP!!!

So, this LONG story to say. This race better be worth it! I am hopeful that it isn't the death of me. I have been working hard and hope that I won't end up leaving in this

Only time will tell friends!

My thighs are worn out just thinking about this.

Ahhh...but there is hope 

Does this book ring a bell :)

 Just sayin!