No Longer Slaves

 

 

One Day

My head and my heart will understand that I am safe

 

truly and completely safe

 

Healing...takes....TIME

 

 I've cried out so often

for the Lord to  take this from me. To heal my heart

and my head. I've fought so hard to try and "fix"

 my brain. I have tried to rewire it in any way I can think of

I've tried everything I know to do...everything...

  I just can't fix this broken piece of me

and for whatever reason the Lord has allowed me to

continue walking in brokenness in this area of my life

 

 

I began singing through this song in order to practice

and prepare to sing it Sunday

I couldn't help but feel strange singing it

 

"Im no longer a slave to fear"

 

Was I actually able to say that... truthfully?

I knew the answer was no

I had just walked out of the counselor's office

hours earlier

 

I picked up the phone and text Derek

I shared with him that I really didn't think I could

sing this song this week. I can't get up and proclaim

that Im no longer a slave to fear...when in reality

my life is crippled by fear

my life is completely controlled at times by it.

 

The song goes on to say

"You split the sea so I could walk right through it"

 

I also was sharing with him the reality that I didn't see the

Lord splitting any seas for us. In fact, at times

the waters seemed to rage harder than ever before

As Derek sits in Africa without the promise of children

coming home. There is no evidence some days of His hand

no clear displays of His power in these situations in my life

 

The Lord gently whispered the reminder to my heart of that next line

 

I AM A CHILD OF GOD

 

My heart was taken immediately to the reality that though I may not see His

hand, I am His and He is for me

and HE is on the MOVE

 

The picture of the Israelites came to mind.

They had just left Egypt

ahead of them was the sea

behind them was Pharaoh's army

They were not aware of God's plan's for them

They were not aware that He was on the move

in the midst of the chaos

They were overcome by the fear of what was seen

They assumed they were going to die... I mean, their

options were walk out into the ocean and drown

or fight Pharaoh's army. They had NO idea

that God was about to part the sea and allow

them to cross ON DRY GROUND

 

The Lord gently lead my heart to the reality that

He is working in ways that we may not see...

for an outcome that He knows is for our good

 

My heart aches that my brain is not better today

My heart aches that there is no clear answer to

the adoption of Luke and Levi

Im angry and sad that neither of those things seem to be

going well

However, He is working

 

The truth is that He is slowly peeling back the sea

in my life

one wave at a time

 

With each wave, He is healing

With each wave, He is drawing us nearer to Himself

With each and every wave He is making a way

With each wave, new paths are being marked in my brain

With each wave, He is preparing us for the journey ahead

 

It is hard to trust with the sea raging in front of you

Its difficult to not fear when Pharaoh's army is on your heels

YET...

our hope should never be placed in what we see

but we should CLING to what is unseen

 

So, this morning, I stood and sang

Im no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

 

You split the sea so I could walk right through it

You drown my fear in perfect love

 

I was able to sing those things truthfully

Not because things are going well or the way that I desire

Instead, I was able to sing those truths knowing that

I am HIS

 

How He chooses to part the waters

is not up to me

How He chooses to heal is not up to me

May I rest in knowing that He is on the move

and making a way in the wilderness

 

Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over?
Isaiah 51:10

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let It Be Jesus

 
Zambia, Africa

My heart raced as I drove into the parking lot

I tucked the van under a nice shade tree while

I sat and simply breathed for a moment

I knew that the next few hours would bring answers

and I was afraid of what those answers would require

The crowd was thick today

I slowly crawled out of the van and

 took my kids by the hand. We walked through

the gate and onto the platform of the social welfare

office. The doors were open and only a few people were

 lined on the benches outside to speak to the officers.

One by one, each person was seen

after an hour and a half the only ones left were me

my children and one precious boy.

His back was a straight and his tiny feet crossed

He sat there so quiet waiting for his turn

A clear plastic bag sat next time him with what appeared

to be an extra pair of shorts and shirt.

I looked at that sweet baby's face and attempted

a smile on occasion. He never returned my efforts

My children and I were called into the office

I held tightly to the envelope that I had just picked up

I clung to it and prayed that perhaps I had read it wrong

I walked in and sat across the desk from the social welfare

officer who is currently over our case

I watched her face as she read the letter regarding our family

She looked at my children and then turned her

attention to me

With each word, I felt my heart sink more and more

She began explaining that this was a matching letter

That means the boys have been matched with our family

However, she will now begin preparing paperwork for a court date

This paperwork will potentially be ready when Derek arrives in a little

over 2 weeks. In court we will receive an effective date of notice

This means that our 3 months of fostering the children will

begin upon our court date. After the 3 month

period we will then have a few loose ends to tie up and that

should take maybe 3-5 more weeks

I looked around the room at my children standing

I could see their hearts and heads trying to understand all

that was being said. I watched their faces that earlier held

hope turn to faces filled with hurt and sadness over what

they were able to understand.

 I began asking if there was any way that our 2 and a half

months here already, would count towards anything.

It appears that as of today, that is not the case

Until we go to court, the time here has not and will not

count towards our 3 month required stay.

I left there feeling the weight of her words

The reality of all that had been said was far beyond

what my heart could process

I took the kids to get milkshakes and allow them to play

on the playground for a while.

I needed a few moments to just sit alone without questions

without anyone knowing all that had happened

I needed to let it be me and my Heavenly Father

I sat in that restaurant and mourned

no tears, just a deep ache in my heart

a knowing that this is not finished yet and truly has

in many ways yet to begin

Through all of my questions and hurt

the Lord has been reminding me that He is in the midst of us

I have sat for hours attempting to think

through what all this means for my family

my sweet older kiddos have struggled to understand

why things have to be so hard. Why this can't

be easier. Why we can't just go home and come

back for the boys another day. They are having to

wrestle with many of the questions that Derek and I are.

I know no answers

I only know Jesus

I can only point them to Him

Im aching for home

Yet, He knows my greater longing is for Him

Im longing for the safe and familiar

Yet He knows my greater longing is to walk the

unfamiliar roads if those lead to His feet

Im longing for rest

Yet, He knows I've always prayed to live a spent life

May I not be lost in the longings for tomorrow

May I find myself seeking His face in the midst of confusion

May He reach into the hearts of these sweet kiddos

and pour His love and truth throughout their inner most being

May they live their lives poured out for the sake of the Gospel

whatever the cost

May our lives shout of all He is to us

As we rise in the mornings,

as we lay our heads down at night

As we sit in office after office hearing news that

threatens to take our hope

As we play soccer in the yard with the village boys

As we offer a drink or food at the market

LET IT BE JESUS

that they see in us

LET IT BE JESUS

that fills the voids

LET IT BE JESUS

that sustains and carries us through