Deeper Still

 

 

"Take me DEEPER than my feet would ever wander

that my faith would be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior"

 

 

I lay there as those words filled the dark room

The pain in my heart spilled over and saturated

my entire soul. The grief was so great and

I couldn't seem to find any comfort. I longed

for the Lord to come to me and dry my tears,

mend my heart immediately.

I BEGGED Him to Please provide relief

Please let this be as deep as I have to go

Please!

 NO MORE!

 

As quickly as the words spilled from my lips

His gentle answer filled my heart

and with it came the deepest sorrow

My heart knew immediately that His answer was No

Relief was not to come today and in that moment all  I knew

to do was let the tears fall and surrender to Him.

As the song continued playing

"take me deeper than my feet would ever wander"

My heart recognized His plan was for me to go

deeper still.

I wept for what was to come.

I felt fear creeping in as I quickly evaluated the only things I have left

Father if it is deeper You desire then deeper I will go

However, I knew, in my flesh I could not will my feet into motion

They are worn

Father if the cost of knowing you MORE is to lose more, love more or lay down more

then let me pay the small price willingly and find the joy in doing so

 My heart is willing, you will have to take me there

drag me if You must.

 I won't resist

 

Two weeks had gone by

it all hit at one time and the sorrow that it brought was deep

The night He called me to go deeper was because

He knew there was more to come

In His loving kindness, He prepared my heart and my will

to allow His purpose

 

 He knew that for this

He would not have to drag me

but I would go willingly a million times over

I would NEVER resist

No, in fact I would risk everything to go to the deepest parts of the water

because the deepest parts have required me to fully hand

over the only things I have left

my children

 

 

I sit back and watch helplessly as they wrestle with many

of the hurts, fears and sorrows that I have known.

Oh the depths that these babies have had to go

Yet the Father has shown me that every rushing tide that has threatened to consume

Every raging sea...has led me here. To the deepest waters

Where my heart breaks more than it ever has because I can not

make this better for them. I know the pain of it all and I can not

change it. I have to lift my hands to Him, Who loves them more

that I and say THANK YOU for giving me well over two years

to prepare to go into the deep with them. He is drying the ground

beneath our feet and showing us where to step. He is making a way

 

"Was it not you who dried up the sea,

the waters of the great deep

who made a road in the depths of the sea

so that the redeemed might cross over"

Isaiah 51:10

 

Our week has gone from incredibly low valleys

where anger, hurt and sorrow filled each of their hearts

To extremely amazing moments of praise and worship

As we climbed in bed last night we were all four reminded

 God will restore

He will heal

He will and is breathing life into these ruins

 

Bryson said we're a lot like a Jenga tower.

 People have knocked holes in us and now we've fallen

However, He says God has come to pick us up and rebuild

There could be no greater truth

 

To hear each of their hearts on it is so beautiful

To consider it PURE joy when we face trials

To be grateful that God has chosen  us to

go to the deepest parts of the water

To say that NO MATTER the cost

we know that He is faithful

To look to our future with excitement and trust

is such a blessing.

Sorrow lasts for a night...but JOY comes in the morning

Im well aware we will have many more nights where the

grief, loss and straight out crazy of it all overwhelms

but indeed the Lord has shown me that this is not the end

for this bunch!

We are kicking off a whole new chapter

Soaking wet from the previous ones but praising Him for making

all things new!

 

" The Lord will surely comfort Zion and

will look with compassion on ALL her ruins;

he will make her deserts like Eden

Her wastelands like the garden of the Lord

 Joy and gladness will be found in her

Thanksgiving and the sound of singing!"

Isaiah 51:3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

"Please keep your truth alive and singing in my heart.

 Make me Hephzibah which means"my delight is in her"

 May I be poised for action like Esther

 may I be loyal and sacrificially faithful like Ruth

May I have Deborah's wisdom,

Mary's innocence,

Eve's unbroken relationship with You.  

Make me joyfully passionate like the woman at the well

unaffected and clear-sighted like the 'alabaster woman

 a student and devoted follower like Mary (Martha's sister).

Make me bold and adventurous like Rahab;

cunning and shrewd like Tamar--able to stand for justice.

 May I be used in spite of my sin like Bathsheeba and in spite of my weakness like the woman with the issue of blood.

 Lord, may I be beautiful and desired like the bride  in Solomon's songs.

 Fearless of change like Rebekah.

 The mother of nations like Sarah.

 May I be worth the fight like Rachel--Jacob's 14-year prize.  

 

 

I know that all of this is inside of me somewhere. All these women are tied together by the Holy Spirit--linked by Your story and filling and design. I know You can bring out this godliness in me.

 

Father, Make me a fierce opponent for the Devil, a mighty tool in Your hands. Make me humble and surrendered and broken to Your using--but solid and fearsome--a defender of the weak, releasing prisoners from darkness. I long to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with You!  Mold my heart towards these, Your desires for me.  I surrender to You" J.L.O

 

Amen.

 

 

 

Thank you precious friend for this and all the other prayers that you prayed for me

all that time ago!

Today, I find great strength and encouragement from these words

Grateful for you and your love for the Father

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



3 1/2

 

 

 

 

Chloe and Eli turned 3 1/2 years old

this weekend

 

 

Of all that has been lost in recent years

this has been the most difficult for me to understand

 

It is hard for me to reason why the Father allowed me to care

so deeply for them. He watched as I opened up my heart to two

beautiful babies that He knew would never come home. He saw

my eyes light up every time I saw their faces. He listened as I begged

for their safety and care. He heard my heart skip a beat when I saw their

 smiles for the first time.

 He then saw my heart breaking when I

realized it was over. He saw me crumbled on the floor when I learned they would not

come home. He watched as I wept for children that I would never

hold. He listened as I cried and questioned.

 

I've had well meaning individuals ask me if I heard God wrong.

If indeed He was calling me to something else and I stepped out in

the wrong direction. While I understand their question and have even

asked God similar things. I know with complete confidence that God called

me to this journey. To those two specific children

 He called me to step out, He then showed me how to open my heart

to love them even though it may not end well. He was with me every step of the way

The hard part for me to understand is WHY?

Why in the world would He call me, allow me to set my hopes on them

coming home. When in reality, He saw the ending. He knew how it would all

play out.

 

However, the reality that sinks deep into the broken pieces of my heart is

 that He is God and I am not. While I can not see His hand in the larger

picture of their lives. I do see His heart for them. His provision. Though not what

I would have planned if it were all up to me.

 It was possibly never His plan for me to be

their mommy in the way that I had so greatly longed for.

I may never know what my role in their lives was, if any

 He does not have to explain to

me everything He chooses. Sometimes, He allows me to see and other times

He asks me to trust Him. Trust that His ways are higher. Trust that He

is Sovereign.

As quickly as the Why spills from my lips,

the Father pours in Truth

He loves me more than I can begin to wrap my heart around

He loves those two babies more than I ever possibly could

He does not set us on paths to watch us crumble

Instead He walks each step of the way knowing what is best for

our lives. He sees the end picture and He knows what will produce

in us the very heart that He longs for. In the end its not about

the result of a journey. Its about the day by day walking

and learning who He is that matters.