Deeper Still

 

 

"Take me DEEPER than my feet would ever wander

that my faith would be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior"

 

 

I lay there as those words filled the dark room

The pain in my heart spilled over and saturated

my entire soul. The grief was so great and

I couldn't seem to find any comfort. I longed

for the Lord to come to me and dry my tears,

mend my heart immediately.

I BEGGED Him to Please provide relief

Please let this be as deep as I have to go

Please!

 NO MORE!

 

As quickly as the words spilled from my lips

His gentle answer filled my heart

and with it came the deepest sorrow

My heart knew immediately that His answer was No

Relief was not to come today and in that moment all  I knew

to do was let the tears fall and surrender to Him.

As the song continued playing

"take me deeper than my feet would ever wander"

My heart recognized His plan was for me to go

deeper still.

I wept for what was to come.

I felt fear creeping in as I quickly evaluated the only things I have left

Father if it is deeper You desire then deeper I will go

However, I knew, in my flesh I could not will my feet into motion

They are worn

Father if the cost of knowing you MORE is to lose more, love more or lay down more

then let me pay the small price willingly and find the joy in doing so

 My heart is willing, you will have to take me there

drag me if You must.

 I won't resist

 

Two weeks had gone by

it all hit at one time and the sorrow that it brought was deep

The night He called me to go deeper was because

He knew there was more to come

In His loving kindness, He prepared my heart and my will

to allow His purpose

 

 He knew that for this

He would not have to drag me

but I would go willingly a million times over

I would NEVER resist

No, in fact I would risk everything to go to the deepest parts of the water

because the deepest parts have required me to fully hand

over the only things I have left

my children

 

 

I sit back and watch helplessly as they wrestle with many

of the hurts, fears and sorrows that I have known.

Oh the depths that these babies have had to go

Yet the Father has shown me that every rushing tide that has threatened to consume

Every raging sea...has led me here. To the deepest waters

Where my heart breaks more than it ever has because I can not

make this better for them. I know the pain of it all and I can not

change it. I have to lift my hands to Him, Who loves them more

that I and say THANK YOU for giving me well over two years

to prepare to go into the deep with them. He is drying the ground

beneath our feet and showing us where to step. He is making a way

 

"Was it not you who dried up the sea,

the waters of the great deep

who made a road in the depths of the sea

so that the redeemed might cross over"

Isaiah 51:10

 

Our week has gone from incredibly low valleys

where anger, hurt and sorrow filled each of their hearts

To extremely amazing moments of praise and worship

As we climbed in bed last night we were all four reminded

 God will restore

He will heal

He will and is breathing life into these ruins

 

Bryson said we're a lot like a Jenga tower.

 People have knocked holes in us and now we've fallen

However, He says God has come to pick us up and rebuild

There could be no greater truth

 

To hear each of their hearts on it is so beautiful

To consider it PURE joy when we face trials

To be grateful that God has chosen  us to

go to the deepest parts of the water

To say that NO MATTER the cost

we know that He is faithful

To look to our future with excitement and trust

is such a blessing.

Sorrow lasts for a night...but JOY comes in the morning

Im well aware we will have many more nights where the

grief, loss and straight out crazy of it all overwhelms

but indeed the Lord has shown me that this is not the end

for this bunch!

We are kicking off a whole new chapter

Soaking wet from the previous ones but praising Him for making

all things new!

 

" The Lord will surely comfort Zion and

will look with compassion on ALL her ruins;

he will make her deserts like Eden

Her wastelands like the garden of the Lord

 Joy and gladness will be found in her

Thanksgiving and the sound of singing!"

Isaiah 51:3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

"Please keep your truth alive and singing in my heart.

 Make me Hephzibah which means"my delight is in her"

 May I be poised for action like Esther

 may I be loyal and sacrificially faithful like Ruth

May I have Deborah's wisdom,

Mary's innocence,

Eve's unbroken relationship with You.  

Make me joyfully passionate like the woman at the well

unaffected and clear-sighted like the 'alabaster woman

 a student and devoted follower like Mary (Martha's sister).

Make me bold and adventurous like Rahab;

cunning and shrewd like Tamar--able to stand for justice.

 May I be used in spite of my sin like Bathsheeba and in spite of my weakness like the woman with the issue of blood.

 Lord, may I be beautiful and desired like the bride  in Solomon's songs.

 Fearless of change like Rebekah.

 The mother of nations like Sarah.

 May I be worth the fight like Rachel--Jacob's 14-year prize.  

 

 

I know that all of this is inside of me somewhere. All these women are tied together by the Holy Spirit--linked by Your story and filling and design. I know You can bring out this godliness in me.

 

Father, Make me a fierce opponent for the Devil, a mighty tool in Your hands. Make me humble and surrendered and broken to Your using--but solid and fearsome--a defender of the weak, releasing prisoners from darkness. I long to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with You!  Mold my heart towards these, Your desires for me.  I surrender to You" J.L.O

 

Amen.

 

 

 

Thank you precious friend for this and all the other prayers that you prayed for me

all that time ago!

Today, I find great strength and encouragement from these words

Grateful for you and your love for the Father

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



3 1/2

 

 

 

 

Chloe and Eli turned 3 1/2 years old

this weekend

 

 

Of all that has been lost in recent years

this has been the most difficult for me to understand

 

It is hard for me to reason why the Father allowed me to care

so deeply for them. He watched as I opened up my heart to two

beautiful babies that He knew would never come home. He saw

my eyes light up every time I saw their faces. He listened as I begged

for their safety and care. He heard my heart skip a beat when I saw their

 smiles for the first time.

 He then saw my heart breaking when I

realized it was over. He saw me crumbled on the floor when I learned they would not

come home. He watched as I wept for children that I would never

hold. He listened as I cried and questioned.

 

I've had well meaning individuals ask me if I heard God wrong.

If indeed He was calling me to something else and I stepped out in

the wrong direction. While I understand their question and have even

asked God similar things. I know with complete confidence that God called

me to this journey. To those two specific children

 He called me to step out, He then showed me how to open my heart

to love them even though it may not end well. He was with me every step of the way

The hard part for me to understand is WHY?

Why in the world would He call me, allow me to set my hopes on them

coming home. When in reality, He saw the ending. He knew how it would all

play out.

 

However, the reality that sinks deep into the broken pieces of my heart is

 that He is God and I am not. While I can not see His hand in the larger

picture of their lives. I do see His heart for them. His provision. Though not what

I would have planned if it were all up to me.

 It was possibly never His plan for me to be

their mommy in the way that I had so greatly longed for.

I may never know what my role in their lives was, if any

 He does not have to explain to

me everything He chooses. Sometimes, He allows me to see and other times

He asks me to trust Him. Trust that His ways are higher. Trust that He

is Sovereign.

As quickly as the Why spills from my lips,

the Father pours in Truth

He loves me more than I can begin to wrap my heart around

He loves those two babies more than I ever possibly could

He does not set us on paths to watch us crumble

Instead He walks each step of the way knowing what is best for

our lives. He sees the end picture and He knows what will produce

in us the very heart that He longs for. In the end its not about

the result of a journey. Its about the day by day walking

and learning who He is that matters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Handing Over The Ashes

The pieces fell so quickly

All that I felt was certain crumbled within moments

I found myself staring with great fear at the place I once stood

 now a pile of ashes scattered on the floor

 There was little  I recognized but was certain it was my life.

I knew in that moment, everything had changed

The reality was that my life would never look the same

For years I strived to form something familiar from the pile of ruins

Yet nothing I created would truly hold its form

 

The faster I would scoop a pile of ashes into my hands

the faster they would fall through my fingertips.

I would escape the dust fill my lungs with air

Only to find myself gasping for my next breath

All of my striving would not form a foundation to build on

Instead, my efforts were stirring the ashes and blinding me

The attempts to create life quickly began drowning me.

I felt suffocated by the weight I was carrying

It was simply too much

 

I would like to say that I recognized this quickly

however, it has taken well over two years to be

still and quiet enough

for the dust to settle and for me to hear the Father telling me to

REST

CEASE STRIVING

STOP FIGHTING

Its Done

 

He has been pressing this into my heart for some time

I simply felt as though I didn't know how to obey

It felt weak to stop

It felt unfaithful to be still

Somewhere in my mind obedience equaled movement

Yet  as I write He whispers to my heart again

Let Go

and

Hand the ashes to me

 

So that is what I've done

 

I lay my life in His hands

It has been there all along

Yet I willingly submit to His will for the formation of this pile

He has already breathed life into me

The scattered and shattered pieces are taking form

They look nothing like they used to and like nothing I would have

expected. There is such beauty in that. He allowed me to strive

He allowed me to build knowing it would crumble

However, He held me knowing that when I stopped and handed

it all to Him willingly, that He would create from these ruins

a story far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

 

One heartbeat at a time

One breath at a time

One step

One smile

One laugh

 

He is bringing beauty from these ashes

 and for that I am grateful

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





The Lord Spoke to Job out of the Storm

"Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm:

 

Brace yourself like a man

I will question you,

and you shall answer me.

Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
Do you have an arm like God's
and can your voice thunder like his?
Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
Unleash the fury of your wrath, look at every
proud man and bring him low.
Look at every proud man and humble him.
crush the wicked where they stand......"
Job 40:6

How I feel His presence so deeply these days. He is speaking to my heart
out of the storm. The chaos abounds and at times threatens to overwhelm.
However, God in his vast love for me is directing my heart to Him.

I found myself these past two days pleading for relief.
Asking God could there be another way
 My steps are weighted, My heart is heavy
and my soul longs for rest. I am tired of the fight.
However,  He speaks to my weary heart
and shows me that His work is not yet complete in me.
He is holding me even now. Though at times I question
His ways. I ultimately trust His heart. His relentless pursuit
of my whole life leaves me speechless. While I grapple
with how hard it has to be I hear Him speaking to me out of the storm.
For that I am grateful

As I read those verses this morning with tears streaming down my
face, I was reminded of Who I am dealing with. He is the Creator of
all. I question His ways because the process is all too painful at times.
Yet it is the pain and the process that will produce fruit that would never
be seen if I were not to walk this step by step. It would be easier at time
to close my eyes and wake up when its all over.
My prayer instead is that I would walk this road with my eyes
wide open. I want to see the mountains that stand in
my path. I want to see the challenge, feel every painful step. There will be
a time to look back and remember where I once was. I pray I stand in awe on
that day as I do on this one. Knowing that God is faithful. Trusting that
even now He is holding me.
Would I truly have it any other way?
Would I take an easier path in order to
gain selfish ground?
I trust that the difficulty of this journey is producing a heart
in me that is one tiny bit closer to His. So, while my body and mind
are weary and long for rest. My heart strengthens under the weight of
this. It is not of me and that is where I find courage, peace and comfort.
It is Christ in me.



 



Even In the VALLEY



 How easily praise spills from the lips of the one standing

on the mountaintop

I've been there many times

Praising the Lord, raising my hands and voice to boldly proclaim

all that He is. 

Telling the world just how good He has been to me

I shout His Name and rejoice in all that He has done
God is the God of the mountaintops right!?!

On those mountaintops I am "satisfied"

I claim to have a heart filled with devotion to Him
 

However, I now find myself asking

Is it true devotion to HIM

or is this devotion only to the One who orchestrates a life void of pain?

 

 

 

Far from the mountaintop is the lowest valley

Where the deafening sound of sorrow and pain fill the air
 

 What happens here?

What becomes of my praise to Him

When the world has taken almost all that made sense
When you feel  the Lord  had a one on one meeting with Satan himself
and asked HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THIS ONE
Will you  lift your hands in praise before the ones who seek you harm
and still proclaim that HE IS GOOD

How my heart has never ached in the way that it does now
My soul at times feels so worn and spent
However, one truth remains
GOD IS STILL GOD
even now

My heart is learning to be truly satisfied in Him alone
I can be hopeful because I know where my hope lies
I can look to my future and say not all is lost
because I know the One that redeems the years the
locusts have eaten.

The reality is that the valley is
UGLY and BROKEN

A far greater reality is that
There is One that makes the broken things of this world
BEAUTIFUL

 

I must say that I can not always see the hand of God right now

but I FEEL Him. I know He is near to me. The valley is filled

with great sorrow but we know that sorrow lasts for the night...and JOY

comes in the morning.

 

Why do we mourn like those who have no HOPE?


I walk this road with confidence because I trust there is purpose in the valley
I pray that at the end of this  I look nothing like I do now
I pray that I am one step closer to the woman that He created me to be

SO today, I lift my hands in praise to Him
I boldly proclaim that HE IS FAITHFUL
He is loving
He is kind
He is close to the brokenhearted and
He is the GOD of my tomorrows
 

 

 

 

 

 

From the Bottom of My Heart

I can not thank each of you enough for all of the love and support that

you have shown over the past week.

 

My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude

 

I have received over 75 messages this week on facebook  

...countless phone calls, texts and emails and have

been attempting to respond to each....however, I've realized today that I can't

do it. Please know that my lack of an individual response is not a

reflection on my appreciation. I deeply appreciate every single kind

word. I have poured over the Scriptures that you have sent. I have

listened to some of the most amazing songs and sermons that so many of

you have suggested. They have flooded my soul with such beautiful

reminders that HE IS FAITHFUL!

 

At this time, I  find myself needing a little time to process.

I also appreciate the lunch, dinner, play date and vacation offers

someone even sent a vodka offer...( you know who you are :)

However, I am not in a place where I am ready for that right now.

I love that you each care enough to offer. Please know how grateful I am

and one day I will be happy to meet and grab a drink...probably diet coke :) but

I will be there one day...its just not today

 

The Lord has been placing some of the most amazing people in my life

for years who are here to walk this road with me.

 I've even added a few by force over the past

little bit :)

He has built around me a mighty fortress of friends and family that can

help carry me through this. Even with the priceless people He has placed

in my life I am having to lean solely on Him. At the end of the

day its just me and the Lord. He is my Sustainer...Strength..and

Comforter. He has to become my EVERYTHING and I have to be willing

to allow that.

 

So, please know that I am well taken care of but I need a little

time to be broken.

 

The greatest thing that you could do for me and my family at this time

is pray. If details elude you, that is most likely because I have not found it

important to share

 

So thank you again for all of your concern, your continual prayers and amazing support

It means the WORLD to me

 

They've always been HIS

 

 

This week I learned that Chloe and Eli will not be coming home

I will give no detail as this is private and very painful
I would appreciate you respecting my privacy during this time
and refrain from asking questions

I know that our journey to these two precious babies has been lived
so publicly. I know so many of you have loved us through each step
of this. Right now, I just ask for time and space.
My heart is breaking

I want each of you to know that I would appreciate your prayers for me
and my family. The losses seem too great.
However, I trust that the Father is working even now
 I trust that He will carry us through this

I choose to TRUST Him
because He faithful

 

He is Faithful

 

 

 

 

As I began this journey to Chloe and Eli I would have

never thought that I'd be sitting here tonight with empty

hands. I truly felt that I would be tucking two more precious

babies in the bed snuggling them close. I had pictured holding

their sweet faces in my hands and telling them every day forever

just how much they are loved. I can close my eyes and picture it now.

I had debated on bedtime songs and had landed firmly on

Jesus Loves Me & You are My sunshine

I wanted them to hear the name of Jesus and I wanted them to KNOW

his love for them...then you are my sunshine because I have been

singing that to my babies since Alyssa was born. Its a classic :)

I knew what I would say to them when I held them for the first time

I couldn't wait to land on DRC soil and know that this was the temporary home

that had held two of the most valuable treasures in my heart.

I can almost feel the weight of them in my arms. Their little hands on my

shoulder and their sweet cheeks pressed against mine. This is the aching heart of

a mommy.

 

I truly believed that the waiting and aching portion of the journey would be over

by now. I had it all planned out. I really did. I had bought them Christmas

pajamas and had hung them in their rooms. They would be home to celebrate

with us and i couldn't wait! Quickly that month faded into the next and into

the next. Now its April and the reality is that my reality is nothing like

I thought it would be.

 

Every day I open my eyes to a new hurt

a new loss has taken place of the one that yesterday brought

At times I sense the waters rising so high and at times they

threaten to overtake me. However, it is now that I cling to Him

While the earth seems to be unsteady and constantly giving way

around me...He is faithful!

Please know that He is good! Even in the midst of the unclear He is so

faithful. He allows the waters to rage yet He gives

a peace in the midst of it all. One that truly passes ALL

understanding.  He alone is good and He

alone is God. We truly live in a fallen world.

Sin affects us all.

 The sins

of others fall on us and change our world forever.

 Children don't come home,

families crumble, people break, wars wage, good people die, friendships end,

...The earth GIVES way

While those things around us seem to come at a rapid pace

and consume us...let us, in our pain, offer a sacrifice of praise to

the Father. For HE is GOOD.

 

I want people to look at my life and know that I believe that

Even when it all seems to fall apart I praise Him for I know He

has not abandoned me

 

I believe with ALL of my heart that God redeems those

places in our lives that seem so very broken.

He makes all things new!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Into the Deep

 

 

There are some lessons that can be learned from shore

yet there are others that have to be learned in the deepest parts of the water

 

In Luke 5 Jesus is walking along the shoreline

The crowd was gathering around Him, ready to listen and learn

He then saw two boats and got into one belonging to Simon

He pushed off the edge a bit and continued teaching

after He was done He told Simon to head out to the deeper part and

cast his net

Simon had been fishing all night with no luck!

However, he trusted and threw his nets over...

he then began catching so many fish that his nets began to break!

He signaled for his fishing partners in a boat near by and they too began collecting

so many fish that their boats began to sink

Simon fell to his knees and was amazed!!

 

Jesus could have shown Simon miracles on the shoreline

but He had to take him to the deep  to leave him speechless

Glory was further brought to the Father by the miracle

in the deep. Simon had been working all night...striving for results,

I can imagine the physical and mental exhaustion that must have come over

him as he struggled hour after hour. Putting all energy and efforts in with nothing to

show for it.

 

Sometimes the lessons can be learned on the shore and other times...

we have to be in the deep waters

of disappointment, sorrow and anger. We have to

cease striving and listen for the Father's voice to show us when

to cast our nets.  May it all be for His glory. No matter what that

looks like. May His name be known by the miracles in the deep

 

I want to be left speechless

I want to stand in awe of who He is

I want to have Him be the very air I breath and if

I can't learn it on the shoreline

I pray He would take me further into the deep

I would rather be in the deep waters  with HIM
than on the shore without Him.

 

 

 

 



Come To Me ~

 

 

I am the Lord your God

I go before you now

I stand beside you

and I'm all around you

and though you feel Im far away

Im closer than your breath

I am with you

more than you know

 

I am the Lord your peace
No evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind
Come into my rest
And oh, let your faith arise
And lift up your weary head
I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
And I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you
I’m your faithful strength
And I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved
Ohhhh

I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Heyyyy
Just come to me, come to me
Cause I’m all that you need
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I am reminded of Peter stepping onto the sea..

the waves crashed all around

His steps were first bold and brave

He stayed afloat until

He turned to the right and  left

dropping his gaze from Jesus

In his sinking, realizing he could not silence the

storm...he looked to Jesus and cried out " save me"
Immediately the Lord grabbed his hand
even in his weak faith, the Lord saved him.
When Peter was consumed with fear,
when the winds stirred
and the waves rose...
Jesus was still faithful to save those crying
out to Him
 

Today that is where my heart sits

trying to understand the surroundings

even trying to steady the storm

but He is not calling me to that

No, He is calling me unto Himself

Calling me to stretch out my hand to Him

in faith and rest

He will steady my steps as the storms surge

As I grope in the darkness for my next step 

He is my ever present Help

 

I know that He is good

I know that He alone is God

He is calling me to lift my  head

and set my gaze on Him.

I stand, though weary, on His promises

and through it all I praise Him

Even Now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

I came across this picture tonight and felt  it was perfect for the

way that my world feels right now.

 

The road ahead is covered with unknowns.

It seems  the more I strain my eyes to catch a glimpse of

what tomorrow may hold the darker it grows.

 

Fear threatens to take up residence in my heart

I want to know what is around the next corner

Yet the reality of today is that the path is

dark and unknown

 

All I know is that He is in control

 

I bask in the few feet of light that He is giving me.

Sometimes I have found  myself sitting in a total blackout

Even in the darkest hours..His whispers of love echo

through the walls of my heart.

 

 

I know Who goes before me

I know that while my circumstances break my heart

and cause more questions than I will ever have answers for..

He is faithful

 

Tonight in the darkness I hold on to His promises

 

I choose to trust Him even now

When my heart longs to know when and why

I will reach for Him

I will continue praying for a glimpse of tomorrow

I will continue praying that Chloe and Eli will come home

I will continue praying that He will MOVE mountains for our family

but if nothing turns out the way I thought it would...I will still offer Him

my praise. For He is and always will be worthy of it ALL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I choose to CELEBRATE

Chloe and Eli

 

Yesterday was YOUR birthday!

What an amazing day it was!

 

I had spent a lot of time this week being sad.

Sad that you weren't in our arms

Sad that you couldn't hear my voice sing happy birthday

There were so many things that I was focusing on that I was going

to be missing.

 

However, when I woke up yesterday, I didn't feel sad

Instead I felt a sense of JOY

You have been on this earth for THREE years

So many things have happened in your lives

So much loss, so many heartaches in your short three years

However, the Lord has kept you!
He has never left you alone.

He has proven in your precious lives that HE is a Father to the

fatherless. How He loves you with a love beyond measure!

 

Feb 3 2010 will always be an amazing special day!

Its the day that you were given life!

Its the day that God began your sweet stories here on this earth.

What a journey it has been.

 

I pray that soon I will be able to hold you in my arms and celebrate

every milestone from here on out. Until then, I have a peace that your Creator

has you firmly in His grip. You are LOVED Eli and Chloe!

 

Happy Birthday Sweet Babies!

Happy Birthday Chloe and Eli

 

 

Sweet Babies

TODAY

Feb 3

is your

BIRTHDAY!

 

 

 

 

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth"

Psalm 139:15

 

 

Today, we are going to take pictures ALL day so that you can know that we were thinking about you!!

 

Know that we love you more than you could ever know!

Even more...know that your Heavenly Father has loved your with a love beyond measure

You are SPECIAL and LOVED!!

Devotion VS Deceit

 

Devotion :often selfless affection and dedication as to a person or principle; aherence

 

Deceit: the act or pratice of misrepresenting or concealing the truth;trickery; fraud 

 

By definition, these words appear to be in striking contrast to one another.

However,Sunday as I sat amoung the believers of my particular congregation

I was drawn to one word that our pastor used. He was quoting a verse from Luke 2 which

describes Simeon as a devout and righteous man. He then went on to define both of these words.

I began letting that one word..devout.. play around in my mind.

As quickly as it entered another word was rising in me

DECEIT

 

I immediately understood the purpose of this in my heart

I asked the Lord  under which definition  I fall
I struggle with performance based approval..I truly think I always have
I assumed people like me based on the way I looked, how well I could do
something or what I brought to the table. It took me about 29 years to realize...
people may just like me for me
However, while this is a lesson I have been learning with my peers it
happens to be an area with the Lord that apparently I haven't quite wrapped
my heart around. How could He love ME? I can quickly fall into my
performance based approval mode...which often leaves me void of true passion
and desire to serve the Lord but instead with a need to gain His approval.

In my case my heart truly desires to follow...not just believe in Jesus Christ
The Lord has shown me little by little what that actually
looks like. For so long I thought that it was about appearance. What could I
DO for the Lord. What a prideful attitude! I found myself counting church
attendance and involvement as my faith. I am not suggesting my heart wasn't
in this...no, in fact quite the opposite. I looked to the Lord and thought how
can I SHOW Him how much I love Him and my natural reaction was to DO
enough that He would value me.
It makes my heart sad to even write that because when I am still I know the
Father loves me based on NOTHING I have done or ever could do. However,
I deceived myself for years and struggle to this day feeling like I am devoted to the
Lord when in reality I am devoted to the church...the actual building and all that
it requires of me. I have been lost in my own deceit, so blided by my empty efforts.

I pray that God continues to remove the blinders from my eyes. I am grateful
that my Heavenly Father looks at me with eyes that are filled with compassion.
He watches lovingly as I strive to be enough
All the while speaking to my heart that I am enough because of His Son
I pray that I adhere to Him and His purpose.
I no longer want to settle

Isn't it great that God takes us as we are
He doesn't require the shiny polished version but instead He accepts all
of the cracks, dirt and our broken efforts and patiently strips away those things
that do not reflect Him. Loving us all the while

 

 

 

 

Do I fight or run for the Hills?

 

 

 

I am TIRED

 

The deepest parts of my soul are spent

The battles seem to come day after day

I have been fighting and pushing back for so long

Its not even a consistent battle, there is no learning a stradegy to win
. No, in fact it comes in many

different forms. It often appears that when I'm about to  regain my stance

I am totally knocked out. I mean rock my world to the core knocked out.

Sometimes I just lay there for a while.The news, challenge,

or hurt has physically taken the breath from my lungs. I sinply lay there and wait

until the world around me stops spinning. Then, when I can stumble to my

feet, I go to my corner, bloody and beaten and I just

 pray that there is no bell to sound the next match...

at least not for today!

I have found myself lately just wanting to roll over and play dead
What a weak response to trial right?
Why yes...yes it is

These past two years have been more difficult than I could have ever imagined
I was not prepared for all that we would face
I had no idea how to handle most of what was thrown my way but
I've been able to put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving
Many days I found myself
 crying out to the Lord. I pleaded with Him to make it all go away
I begged Him to take the hurt away
Then, I  realized that isn't how it always works.
Sometimes the pain never goes away so He can continue to fill the wounds
with His healing mercy and grace

In the chaos
I was able to press hard into the chest of the Father. Crawl into His lap
 where I felt hidden from it all
and cry on His shoulders that were big enough to bare the weight of the world.
It was in those moments that He showed me how to fight
Many times I would fall into Him and beg Him to give me my next breath
and He would
He strengthened my steps day by day. As the battles came He made a
way in the darkness.
I remember when I was hit with  the most devestating and promising realization.
I was deep in pain and He genlty brought something to my heart.
Right before the moment my heart was broken, He was there
He allowed such pain into our lives yet held me all the while.
He never once left me. He knew that morning I woke up that my world would be
forever changed
That notion made me feel  betrayed. Why would God allow this
to happen in my life
Yet in the very next breath I was consumed by
 His presence. I knew and trusted His character
. I knew that while He allowed things to pass through His hands
His heart ached for me.
The fights of the past years have brought a new wave of endurance
A new understanding that pain and sorrow will come and He will remaind faithful
A new knowledge of what it feels like to have NOTHING under control yet know He
is working ALL things out for my good. and for the glory of His Name.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to throw in the towel every now and then
Those things that I walked through have all been in preparation for this very moment in time
When things just seem too big and too chaotic. I know He is there.
He was faithful then and I know He goes before us even now

He, no matter the outcome of it all
is FAITHFUL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Alyssa is TEN

HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY

Alyssa Hope

 

 

God blessed our family beyond measure when He chose to give

you to us!

I look at you and am amazed at the beautiful young lady that you are becoming

 

We can't wait to celebrate your special day tonight!!!

LOVE YOU Beautiful

A Week For HER

 

 I am taking a week off

 

This Friday is my daughter Alyssa's 10th birthday

It seems like yesterday when we were standing on the

bridge downtown with creepy Uncle Matt in the back ground

of this photo watching fireworks!

Time has FLOWN by!

 

 

 

This week is not going to be consumed by adoption hopes or disappointments

I have to take the focus off the things I can not control

and focus on the ones right in front of me

There is ALWAYS next week

My sweet husband and kiddos pointed out how I am obsessively checking my email

for updates on Chloe and Eli 

When Im in the car, Im checking my phone...when the kids are playing on the playground

my eyes are glued to the phone

When Im taking a bath, cooking dinner, sweeping, mopping, family movie night...

I've become one of THOSE MOMS :)

Now, I have convinced myself its for the other children

but that is coming to a STOP this week!

 

My sweet girl is turning TEN years OLD!

I can not believe it!

I want to make sure that I am 100% present this week

I do not want my worry or fear to take over her special birthday

 

I just keep telling myself it is ONE WEEK without updates.

I will check the mail for our i600 approval but other than that

Our family's focus this week will be Alyssa Hope :)

 



I wanted to update because my post on facebook stating that I would be stepping back

for a week caused many people to call, text or message me.

I didn't mean to alarm anyone.

For my family I need to step away and focus on them

 

We would ask that you continue to pray for Chloe and Eli.

We pray that you would cover our family in prayer in the coming days

We ask that you pray that we would continue feeling God's presence and His hand in

this journey. We thank each of you for loving our family

 

ps...don't judge if I play a game of bejewled every once in a while..

I have to keep up my mid level skills

( guilty pleasure)