Sunday, April 24, 2016

No Longer Slaves

 
 
One Day
My head and my heart will understand that I am safe
 
truly and completely safe
 
Healing...takes....TIME
 
 I've cried out so often
for the Lord to  take this from me. To heal my heart
and my head. I've fought so hard to try and "fix"
 my brain. I have tried to rewire it in any way I can think of
I've tried everything I know to do...everything...
  I just can't fix this broken piece of me
and for whatever reason the Lord has allowed me to
continue walking in brokenness in this area of my life
 
 
I began singing through this song in order to practice
and prepare to sing it Sunday
I couldn't help but feel strange singing it
 
"Im no longer a slave to fear"
 
Was I actually able to say that... truthfully?
I knew the answer was no
I had just walked out of the counselor's office
hours earlier
 
I picked up the phone and text Derek
I shared with him that I really didn't think I could
sing this song this week. I can't get up and proclaim
that Im no longer a slave to fear...when in reality
my life is crippled by fear
my life is completely controlled at times by it.
 
The song goes on to say
"You split the sea so I could walk right through it"
 
I also was sharing with him the reality that I didn't see the
Lord splitting any seas for us. In fact, at times
the waters seemed to rage harder than ever before
As Derek sits in Africa without the promise of children
coming home. There is no evidence some days of His hand
no clear displays of His power in these situations in my life
 
The Lord gently whispered the reminder to my heart of that next line
 
I AM A CHILD OF GOD
 
My heart was taken immediately to the reality that though I may not see His
hand, I am His and He is for me
and HE is on the MOVE
 
The picture of the Israelites came to mind.
They had just left Egypt
ahead of them was the sea
behind them was Pharaoh's army
They were not aware of God's plan's for them
They were not aware that He was on the move
in the midst of the chaos
They were overcome by the fear of what was seen
They assumed they were going to die... I mean, their
options were walk out into the ocean and drown
or fight Pharaoh's army. They had NO idea
that God was about to part the sea and allow
them to cross ON DRY GROUND
 
The Lord gently lead my heart to the reality that
He is working in ways that we may not see...
for an outcome that He knows is for our good
 
My heart aches that my brain is not better today
My heart aches that there is no clear answer to
the adoption of Luke and Levi
Im angry and sad that neither of those things seem to be
going well
However, He is working
 
The truth is that He is slowly peeling back the sea
in my life
one wave at a time
 
With each wave, He is healing
With each wave, He is drawing us nearer to Himself
With each and every wave He is making a way
With each wave, new paths are being marked in my brain
With each wave, He is preparing us for the journey ahead
 
It is hard to trust with the sea raging in front of you
Its difficult to not fear when Pharaoh's army is on your heels
YET...
our hope should never be placed in what we see
but we should CLING to what is unseen
 
So, this morning, I stood and sang
Im no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
 
You split the sea so I could walk right through it
You drown my fear in perfect love
 
I was able to sing those things truthfully
Not because things are going well or the way that I desire
Instead, I was able to sing those truths knowing that
I am HIS
 
How He chooses to part the waters
is not up to me
How He chooses to heal is not up to me
May I rest in knowing that He is on the move
and making a way in the wilderness
 
Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over?
Isaiah 51:10
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Friday, April 1, 2016

Let It Be Jesus

 
Zambia, Africa
My heart raced as I drove into the parking lot
I tucked the van under a nice shade tree while
I sat and simply breathed for a moment
I knew that the next few hours would bring answers
and I was afraid of what those answers would require
The crowd was thick today
I slowly crawled out of the van and
 took my kids by the hand. We walked through
the gate and onto the platform of the social welfare
office. The doors were open and only a few people were
 lined on the benches outside to speak to the officers.
One by one, each person was seen
after an hour and a half the only ones left were me
my children and one precious boy.
His back was a straight and his tiny feet crossed
He sat there so quiet waiting for his turn
A clear plastic bag sat next time him with what appeared
to be an extra pair of shorts and shirt.
I looked at that sweet baby's face and attempted
a smile on occasion. He never returned my efforts
My children and I were called into the office
I held tightly to the envelope that I had just picked up
I clung to it and prayed that perhaps I had read it wrong
I walked in and sat across the desk from the social welfare
officer who is currently over our case
I watched her face as she read the letter regarding our family
She looked at my children and then turned her
attention to me
With each word, I felt my heart sink more and more
She began explaining that this was a matching letter
That means the boys have been matched with our family
However, she will now begin preparing paperwork for a court date
This paperwork will potentially be ready when Derek arrives in a little
over 2 weeks. In court we will receive an effective date of notice
This means that our 3 months of fostering the children will
begin upon our court date. After the 3 month
period we will then have a few loose ends to tie up and that
should take maybe 3-5 more weeks
I looked around the room at my children standing
I could see their hearts and heads trying to understand all
that was being said. I watched their faces that earlier held
hope turn to faces filled with hurt and sadness over what
they were able to understand.
 I began asking if there was any way that our 2 and a half
months here already, would count towards anything.
It appears that as of today, that is not the case
Until we go to court, the time here has not and will not
count towards our 3 month required stay.
I left there feeling the weight of her words
The reality of all that had been said was far beyond
what my heart could process
I took the kids to get milkshakes and allow them to play
on the playground for a while.
I needed a few moments to just sit alone without questions
without anyone knowing all that had happened
I needed to let it be me and my Heavenly Father
I sat in that restaurant and mourned
no tears, just a deep ache in my heart
a knowing that this is not finished yet and truly has
in many ways yet to begin
Through all of my questions and hurt
the Lord has been reminding me that He is in the midst of us
I have sat for hours attempting to think
through what all this means for my family
my sweet older kiddos have struggled to understand
why things have to be so hard. Why this can't
be easier. Why we can't just go home and come
back for the boys another day. They are having to
wrestle with many of the questions that Derek and I are.
I know no answers
I only know Jesus
I can only point them to Him
Im aching for home
Yet, He knows my greater longing is for Him
Im longing for the safe and familiar
Yet He knows my greater longing is to walk the
unfamiliar roads if those lead to His feet
Im longing for rest
Yet, He knows I've always prayed to live a spent life
May I not be lost in the longings for tomorrow
May I find myself seeking His face in the midst of confusion
May He reach into the hearts of these sweet kiddos
and pour His love and truth throughout their inner most being
May they live their lives poured out for the sake of the Gospel
whatever the cost
May our lives shout of all He is to us
As we rise in the mornings,
as we lay our heads down at night
As we sit in office after office hearing news that
threatens to take our hope
As we play soccer in the yard with the village boys
As we offer a drink or food at the market
LET IT BE JESUS
that they see in us
LET IT BE JESUS
that fills the voids
LET IT BE JESUS
that sustains and carries us through


Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Day 70

 
 
 
I left home 70 days ago
 
That has seemed like an eternity some days
and others it seems like its flown by
 
My heart always finds great comfort in writing
so I am going tp get back to it. There is so much going
on in this heart and head of mine that its great having
a place to share. More for myself than for any one else
 
The last time my feet were on US soil was 70 days ago
I have to say that I knew this would be difficult
however, there are simply things I don't know that we
could have prepared for if we had researched this country
for months.
 
After 70 days here, we have nothing to show for
our time spent here. We have nothing to show
towards the adoption of the boys other than the
head of social welfare informed us two weeks ago that
they were processing our case. Which, we were not
given any idea on what that means.
This country states that they require a 3 month stay
in country with the children. We saw
within our first two days in country that most likely
was not going to be the case.
 
It is our hearts desire at this point to simply be given
a time frame.
To know if any of the time I've spent in country will count
towards our 3 month requirement.
However, it is not appropriate to ask those questions as
it will potentially cause your process to be stopped intentionally
 
So, its difficult to know how to proceed
and quite frankly difficult on the heart to simply
have no answers

 
In the meantime....
 
We are spending our days bonding with the boys
and continuing to get to know them.
They've lived in our house now for about 68 days
 
Levi has learned to crawl in that timeframe
He is crawling EVERYWHERE
He desires to pull to stand and really would enjoy walking if he could
 
Luke on the other hand is finding the crawling thing
a bit more difficult.
He has a very large umbilical hernia that appears to have
weakened his abs. That little guy is slowly but surely
getting stronger ( thanks to my sister who is
a pediatric physical therapist)  She has given several tips and
just has encouraged me in getting him moving.
 
They each have their own sweet personalities.
Levi is a cuddly, gentle teddy bear of a baby
Luke on the other hand is regularly heard being as loud
as possible. He loves hearing himself :)
He is very independent until hes sleepy
then he wants to be scooped up and loved on
He is cutting four top teeth currently and is handling
it like a champ
 
This mommy is worn out but I wanted to give at least some idea of what
in the world we are doing

 
 



Monday, February 8, 2016

Bound




When you've been near me
Could you hear them
 
When you pass me in the hall or the store
Have you seen them behind me
 
When I stand in front of you leading worship
Did the bright metallic color of my chains not
cast such a distracting glare
 
To speak of freedom is much different than
living in freedom
 
Have you seen how bound I am
Or does the sound of the metal clanging behind my every
step get covered by my smile
 
You speak to who you assume I am
In reality you are speaking to a prisoner
You are speaking to a woman that  has
been so very crippled by the weight of my chains
that it has threatened to dim even the brightest of lights in my life
 
These chains have been being put in place for over a decade
Some look like harsh words. Those are the ones I never
realized were tightening with every step I took
Sinking deep into the
very heartbeat of ALL that I thought of myself.
 
Then there were the shackles of adultery
sitting and listening to someone again and again
tell you that you are not what they want and never were
The thickest chain is the one that says you weren't worth
coming back or fighting for
Those chains caused lasting questions that continue to sink
deep into the very heartbeat of ALL that I think about
love, trust and security
 
Then there is the chain of losing Chloe and Eli
The loss of those two when it was so clear that the Lord
had called me to pursue them
The clanging of that chain behind me is often louder than the rest
That battle for those babies, the loss of them has caused
questions that sink into the very heartbeat of ALL that I think about
God's love for me, His desire to bless me, His desire to use
something other than suffering to bring Himself glory through my life
 
The truth is that the events are difficult
However, it is the lasting questions that those things
have caused that have made me the most uncertain
They've made each day a battle for me
My mind is a constant war zone
 
Those things in most people's life that are just assumed
love
trust
security
worth
 
Those are the things that terrify me the most
 
As the Lord brought Derek into my life
I was amazed and terrified
Risking love and loss are almost crippling to me
 
However, I knew with clear certainty that the Lord had
placed this man in my life.
I saw him pursue me with great integrity and love
I have still had incredibly low moments of fear
I have attempted to push him away more times than
I can count.
Its easier to push someone away before they push you away
 
How it breaks my heart to admit that has been me at my
darkest of moments
However, those are the times when I've seen his true
commitment and love for me. When I've been so terrified to
be loved or love...he is steadfast and presses on
He is the gospel to me
The Lord called me to love him, marry him and make my life
with him. So, stepping out in trust I walked down the aisle to
be his wife.
 
I find myself sitting in Zamia fearing many of the same things
that I feared upon Derek entering my world
 
The chains of fear have had their grip on me
 
So, sitting in the full pile of metal
wrapped from head to toe in shackles and chains
is when we received the message on the boys
It seemed like horrible timing for me personally
I had recently been walking through counseling for PTSD
and felt that I was seeing the slightest of improvements
 
That's when the Lord asked me..and my family
to step out and risk again
I told the Lord how I wasn't ready
How my heart isn't healed
How I still have plenty of moments where I can't move
or trust simply out of fear
Yet He called us anyway
He made a way in my chaos
and cleared the path before us to bring us to where we are
 
I have walked this journey with little desire
to allow myself to be all in
HOPE is a scary thing for me
The moment I would become excited about the possibility of
bringing these boys home, is the exact moment
fear would rear its head and another chain would
take hold of my heart
 
God knew this would be my heart
He knew my fear would need to be overcome
in the mightiest of ways
He sees me RIGHT where I am
 
Through it all, I have seen the hand of God
I've not really questioned who He is
I've simply questioned who I am to Him
 
Those questions have been answered a thousands times over
He is allowing me to slowly put my heart on the line
He is making me brave enough to cuddle little ones tight
as though I'll never lose them
Hes allowing me to sing to them in my arms
with a heart that is filled with a love that a mother alone can have
 
He is breaking these cold hard chains that have taken
so much of my life
my joy
and so much of who I am
He is removing the chains and in their place
He gently rubs a soothing
balm of love and hope
 
He is whispering to my heart that freedom comes with
letting go
 
and
 
truly letting go means taking hold of ALL that He is
and ALL that He says I am
 
Its stepping out and trusting just enough to get on a plane
Knowing He will handle the rest
Its stepping out and loving again a man
Its stepping out and loving two children
 
Its allowing Him to lead me through the maze of fear
and remove chains as He sees fit
 
This journey is larger than adoption
I've said it once...but I feel I can't say it enough
He brought us here to heal, to hear His voice
and see Him work in mighty ways!
 
May He continue to remove the chains that sin, lies and hurt
have put in place
May he tear down the walls that I've built to protect my heart
 
May He continue to give STRENGTH for today
and BRIGHT HOPE for tomorrow
 
 
 
 
 
 


Sunday, January 31, 2016

Super Seven Under one ROOF

 
 
 
 
Bryson was the first one through the big blue door
His eyes were large, scanning the crowd looking for
me and Alyssa.
Next was Caleb, dazed with the same calm yet desperate look
on his face.
Those little boys were looking for their mommy and when
they finally saw me their faces lit up
I could see in their eyes the relief of finally being together
My sweet hearted Bryson, who always tries to keep his emotions bottled
was fighting back tears
Caleb just ran into my arms and held on with every ounce of energy he had
 
Finally my sweet husband walked out
I think of all the times I've seen him this may
have been one of my favorites.
I saw how proud of me he was and in his eyes
a look that reminded me how deeply I am loved
by him, yes
but also by my Heavenly Father who has given me this
amazing group of people to enjoy this life with
 
The next moments were filled with the most wonderful
group hug that I think we've had in a while
My heart wanted to jump out of my chest
 
This was more than a family being reunited
This was one more piece to our little puzzle
 
You see, for us, this journey is about far more than
bringing Luke and Levi home
Those two boys are the reason we are sitting in Zambia
but they are not the only "things" we will walk away
from Zambia with
 
The Lord is at work in our heart and lives
in ways that we have needed so desperately
 
 
May He continue
REDEEMING
RESTORING and HEALING
all those places in our hearts that would keep
us from being fully surrendered to Him
 
 
 
GOOD NIGHT everyone!!
My entire crew is dead asleep and I might as well
join them... I have a feeling Im going to be pretty
busy from here on out :)
 
 
Prayer Request for this week is that we would gain paperwork
and a court date
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Monday, January 25, 2016


 
 
As I climb into bed tonight my head and heart are swirling
I only have SIX more sleeps to go before three of my favorite
boys are here. Yet, with that excitement also comes the reminder
that I am not home. Tonight, I am longing for home

My heart was laid heavy with the reality that not only
have I been here for five days but I very likely
{UNLESS A MIRACLE HAPPENS}
will be here for another 120 or so days or so
That is a lot to let sink in
This place is unfamiliar in every way

My heart is to be home
Yet there is still so much that is required
 
Zambia requires three months of fostering before you are able to
gain final approval.
They have recently added in a two week
"bonding" phase prior to the three month foster phase.
That is why Im here, starting that two week phase so that when
Derek arrives, we can hopefully have a court date to be given
foster parent rights.
We currently sit waiting on our paperwork to be found in the
capital. We checked today..and will check again tomorrow
So that is the latest on the actual process itself
Pray the paperwork can be back dated to the first day I was
here with the children instead of when they find our paperwork
 
It is hard to press in tonight and hear clearly what next steps are
Its difficult to discern His voice from my own
desires, hopes and fears.
 
I don't want to move a single step without Him
I truly desire for this entire process to go just as the Lord desires
He has a plan and that very well may include me being here with
these five kiddos of mine for 4 months
I want that if He does...with tears streaming down my face
I do truly desire His work to be complete in this situation
whatever that looks like.
 
I want to hear His voice ahead calling me step by step
to Himself and His plan
 
El Roi, You are the God who SEES. You see me here and you
know the weight feels too much today. Be near to me Lord
Please do not let me move without you out of selfish ambition
Lead me to Your heart when I am overwhelmed
Hold us in the palm of your hand...God I feel alone tonight.
I don't feel strong Father. Yet I know that you are made
PERFECT in my weakness. You give me new strength daily
You restore my soul
 
"You were the VICTOR in the King
You were the POWER in David's swing
You were the CALM in Abraham
You are the GOD who understands
You are the STRENGTH when we have none
You are the LIVING HOLY ONE
You were
You are
and
you will ALWAYS be"
 
My may weary soul rest in who You are
Lord I trust you heart is good and kind
Help me to trust that you are mighty beyond comprehension
Help me to trust that you would reach down into this life
of mine and use me for Your kingdom
and Lord...Father, if at all possible...can we all please go home SOON