Bound

When you've been near me

Could you hear them

 

When you pass me in the hall or the store

Have you seen them behind me

 

When I stand in front of you leading worship

Did the bright metallic color of my chains not

cast such a distracting glare

 

To speak of freedom is much different than

living in freedom

 

Have you seen how bound I am

Or does the sound of the metal clanging behind my every

step get covered by my smile

 

You speak to who you assume I am

In reality you are speaking to a prisoner

You are speaking to a woman that  has

been so very crippled by the weight of my chains

that it has threatened to dim even the brightest of lights in my life

 

These chains have been being put in place for over a decade

Some look like harsh words. Those are the ones I never

realized were tightening with every step I took

Sinking deep into the

very heartbeat of ALL that I thought of myself.

 

Then there were the shackles of adultery

sitting and listening to someone again and again

tell you that you are not what they want and never were

The thickest chain is the one that says you weren't worth

coming back or fighting for

Those chains caused lasting questions that continue to sink

deep into the very heartbeat of ALL that I think about

love, trust and security

 

Then there is the chain of losing Chloe and Eli

The loss of those two when it was so clear that the Lord

had called me to pursue them

The clanging of that chain behind me is often louder than the rest

That battle for those babies, the loss of them has caused

questions that sink into the very heartbeat of ALL that I think about

God's love for me, His desire to bless me, His desire to use

something other than suffering to bring Himself glory through my life

 

The truth is that the events are difficult

However, it is the lasting questions that those things

have caused that have made me the most uncertain

They've made each day a battle for me

My mind is a constant war zone

 

Those things in most people's life that are just assumed

love

trust

security

worth

 

Those are the things that terrify me the most

 

As the Lord brought Derek into my life

I was amazed and terrified

Risking love and loss are almost crippling to me

 

However, I knew with clear certainty that the Lord had

placed this man in my life.

I saw him pursue me with great integrity and love

I have still had incredibly low moments of fear

I have attempted to push him away more times than

I can count.

Its easier to push someone away before they push you away

 

How it breaks my heart to admit that has been me at my

darkest of moments

However, those are the times when I've seen his true

commitment and love for me. When I've been so terrified to

be loved or love...he is steadfast and presses on

He is the gospel to me

The Lord called me to love him, marry him and make my life

with him. So, stepping out in trust I walked down the aisle to

be his wife.

 

I find myself sitting in Zamia fearing many of the same things

that I feared upon Derek entering my world

 

The chains of fear have had their grip on me

 

So, sitting in the full pile of metal

wrapped from head to toe in shackles and chains

is when we received the message on the boys

It seemed like horrible timing for me personally

I had recently been walking through counseling for PTSD

and felt that I was seeing the slightest of improvements

 

That's when the Lord asked me..and my family

to step out and risk again

I told the Lord how I wasn't ready

How my heart isn't healed

How I still have plenty of moments where I can't move

or trust simply out of fear

Yet He called us anyway

He made a way in my chaos

and cleared the path before us to bring us to where we are

 

I have walked this journey with little desire

to allow myself to be all in

HOPE is a scary thing for me

The moment I would become excited about the possibility of

bringing these boys home, is the exact moment

fear would rear its head and another chain would

take hold of my heart

 

God knew this would be my heart

He knew my fear would need to be overcome

in the mightiest of ways

He sees me RIGHT where I am

 

Through it all, I have seen the hand of God

I've not really questioned who He is

I've simply questioned who I am to Him

 

Those questions have been answered a thousands times over

He is allowing me to slowly put my heart on the line

He is making me brave enough to cuddle little ones tight

as though I'll never lose them

Hes allowing me to sing to them in my arms

with a heart that is filled with a love that a mother alone can have

 

He is breaking these cold hard chains that have taken

so much of my life

my joy

and so much of who I am

He is removing the chains and in their place

He gently rubs a soothing

balm of love and hope

 

He is whispering to my heart that freedom comes with

letting go

 

and

 

truly letting go means taking hold of ALL that He is

and ALL that He says I am

 

Its stepping out and trusting just enough to get on a plane

Knowing He will handle the rest

Its stepping out and loving again a man

Its stepping out and loving two children

 

Its allowing Him to lead me through the maze of fear

and remove chains as He sees fit

 

This journey is larger than adoption

I've said it once...but I feel I can't say it enough

He brought us here to heal, to hear His voice

and see Him work in mighty ways!

 

May He continue to remove the chains that sin, lies and hurt

have put in place

May he tear down the walls that I've built to protect my heart

 

May He continue to give STRENGTH for today

and BRIGHT HOPE for tomorrow