No Longer Slaves

 

 

One Day

My head and my heart will understand that I am safe

 

truly and completely safe

 

Healing...takes....TIME

 

 I've cried out so often

for the Lord to  take this from me. To heal my heart

and my head. I've fought so hard to try and "fix"

 my brain. I have tried to rewire it in any way I can think of

I've tried everything I know to do...everything...

  I just can't fix this broken piece of me

and for whatever reason the Lord has allowed me to

continue walking in brokenness in this area of my life

 

 

I began singing through this song in order to practice

and prepare to sing it Sunday

I couldn't help but feel strange singing it

 

"Im no longer a slave to fear"

 

Was I actually able to say that... truthfully?

I knew the answer was no

I had just walked out of the counselor's office

hours earlier

 

I picked up the phone and text Derek

I shared with him that I really didn't think I could

sing this song this week. I can't get up and proclaim

that Im no longer a slave to fear...when in reality

my life is crippled by fear

my life is completely controlled at times by it.

 

The song goes on to say

"You split the sea so I could walk right through it"

 

I also was sharing with him the reality that I didn't see the

Lord splitting any seas for us. In fact, at times

the waters seemed to rage harder than ever before

As Derek sits in Africa without the promise of children

coming home. There is no evidence some days of His hand

no clear displays of His power in these situations in my life

 

The Lord gently whispered the reminder to my heart of that next line

 

I AM A CHILD OF GOD

 

My heart was taken immediately to the reality that though I may not see His

hand, I am His and He is for me

and HE is on the MOVE

 

The picture of the Israelites came to mind.

They had just left Egypt

ahead of them was the sea

behind them was Pharaoh's army

They were not aware of God's plan's for them

They were not aware that He was on the move

in the midst of the chaos

They were overcome by the fear of what was seen

They assumed they were going to die... I mean, their

options were walk out into the ocean and drown

or fight Pharaoh's army. They had NO idea

that God was about to part the sea and allow

them to cross ON DRY GROUND

 

The Lord gently lead my heart to the reality that

He is working in ways that we may not see...

for an outcome that He knows is for our good

 

My heart aches that my brain is not better today

My heart aches that there is no clear answer to

the adoption of Luke and Levi

Im angry and sad that neither of those things seem to be

going well

However, He is working

 

The truth is that He is slowly peeling back the sea

in my life

one wave at a time

 

With each wave, He is healing

With each wave, He is drawing us nearer to Himself

With each and every wave He is making a way

With each wave, new paths are being marked in my brain

With each wave, He is preparing us for the journey ahead

 

It is hard to trust with the sea raging in front of you

Its difficult to not fear when Pharaoh's army is on your heels

YET...

our hope should never be placed in what we see

but we should CLING to what is unseen

 

So, this morning, I stood and sang

Im no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

 

You split the sea so I could walk right through it

You drown my fear in perfect love

 

I was able to sing those things truthfully

Not because things are going well or the way that I desire

Instead, I was able to sing those truths knowing that

I am HIS

 

How He chooses to part the waters

is not up to me

How He chooses to heal is not up to me

May I rest in knowing that He is on the move

and making a way in the wilderness

 

Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over?
Isaiah 51:10