Let It Be Jesus

 
Zambia, Africa

My heart raced as I drove into the parking lot

I tucked the van under a nice shade tree while

I sat and simply breathed for a moment

I knew that the next few hours would bring answers

and I was afraid of what those answers would require

The crowd was thick today

I slowly crawled out of the van and

 took my kids by the hand. We walked through

the gate and onto the platform of the social welfare

office. The doors were open and only a few people were

 lined on the benches outside to speak to the officers.

One by one, each person was seen

after an hour and a half the only ones left were me

my children and one precious boy.

His back was a straight and his tiny feet crossed

He sat there so quiet waiting for his turn

A clear plastic bag sat next time him with what appeared

to be an extra pair of shorts and shirt.

I looked at that sweet baby's face and attempted

a smile on occasion. He never returned my efforts

My children and I were called into the office

I held tightly to the envelope that I had just picked up

I clung to it and prayed that perhaps I had read it wrong

I walked in and sat across the desk from the social welfare

officer who is currently over our case

I watched her face as she read the letter regarding our family

She looked at my children and then turned her

attention to me

With each word, I felt my heart sink more and more

She began explaining that this was a matching letter

That means the boys have been matched with our family

However, she will now begin preparing paperwork for a court date

This paperwork will potentially be ready when Derek arrives in a little

over 2 weeks. In court we will receive an effective date of notice

This means that our 3 months of fostering the children will

begin upon our court date. After the 3 month

period we will then have a few loose ends to tie up and that

should take maybe 3-5 more weeks

I looked around the room at my children standing

I could see their hearts and heads trying to understand all

that was being said. I watched their faces that earlier held

hope turn to faces filled with hurt and sadness over what

they were able to understand.

 I began asking if there was any way that our 2 and a half

months here already, would count towards anything.

It appears that as of today, that is not the case

Until we go to court, the time here has not and will not

count towards our 3 month required stay.

I left there feeling the weight of her words

The reality of all that had been said was far beyond

what my heart could process

I took the kids to get milkshakes and allow them to play

on the playground for a while.

I needed a few moments to just sit alone without questions

without anyone knowing all that had happened

I needed to let it be me and my Heavenly Father

I sat in that restaurant and mourned

no tears, just a deep ache in my heart

a knowing that this is not finished yet and truly has

in many ways yet to begin

Through all of my questions and hurt

the Lord has been reminding me that He is in the midst of us

I have sat for hours attempting to think

through what all this means for my family

my sweet older kiddos have struggled to understand

why things have to be so hard. Why this can't

be easier. Why we can't just go home and come

back for the boys another day. They are having to

wrestle with many of the questions that Derek and I are.

I know no answers

I only know Jesus

I can only point them to Him

Im aching for home

Yet, He knows my greater longing is for Him

Im longing for the safe and familiar

Yet He knows my greater longing is to walk the

unfamiliar roads if those lead to His feet

Im longing for rest

Yet, He knows I've always prayed to live a spent life

May I not be lost in the longings for tomorrow

May I find myself seeking His face in the midst of confusion

May He reach into the hearts of these sweet kiddos

and pour His love and truth throughout their inner most being

May they live their lives poured out for the sake of the Gospel

whatever the cost

May our lives shout of all He is to us

As we rise in the mornings,

as we lay our heads down at night

As we sit in office after office hearing news that

threatens to take our hope

As we play soccer in the yard with the village boys

As we offer a drink or food at the market

LET IT BE JESUS

that they see in us

LET IT BE JESUS

that fills the voids

LET IT BE JESUS

that sustains and carries us through