3 1/2

 

 

 

 

Chloe and Eli turned 3 1/2 years old

this weekend

 

 

Of all that has been lost in recent years

this has been the most difficult for me to understand

 

It is hard for me to reason why the Father allowed me to care

so deeply for them. He watched as I opened up my heart to two

beautiful babies that He knew would never come home. He saw

my eyes light up every time I saw their faces. He listened as I begged

for their safety and care. He heard my heart skip a beat when I saw their

 smiles for the first time.

 He then saw my heart breaking when I

realized it was over. He saw me crumbled on the floor when I learned they would not

come home. He watched as I wept for children that I would never

hold. He listened as I cried and questioned.

 

I've had well meaning individuals ask me if I heard God wrong.

If indeed He was calling me to something else and I stepped out in

the wrong direction. While I understand their question and have even

asked God similar things. I know with complete confidence that God called

me to this journey. To those two specific children

 He called me to step out, He then showed me how to open my heart

to love them even though it may not end well. He was with me every step of the way

The hard part for me to understand is WHY?

Why in the world would He call me, allow me to set my hopes on them

coming home. When in reality, He saw the ending. He knew how it would all

play out.

 

However, the reality that sinks deep into the broken pieces of my heart is

 that He is God and I am not. While I can not see His hand in the larger

picture of their lives. I do see His heart for them. His provision. Though not what

I would have planned if it were all up to me.

 It was possibly never His plan for me to be

their mommy in the way that I had so greatly longed for.

I may never know what my role in their lives was, if any

 He does not have to explain to

me everything He chooses. Sometimes, He allows me to see and other times

He asks me to trust Him. Trust that His ways are higher. Trust that He

is Sovereign.

As quickly as the Why spills from my lips,

the Father pours in Truth

He loves me more than I can begin to wrap my heart around

He loves those two babies more than I ever possibly could

He does not set us on paths to watch us crumble

Instead He walks each step of the way knowing what is best for

our lives. He sees the end picture and He knows what will produce

in us the very heart that He longs for. In the end its not about

the result of a journey. Its about the day by day walking

and learning who He is that matters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Handing Over The Ashes

The pieces fell so quickly

All that I felt was certain crumbled within moments

I found myself staring with great fear at the place I once stood

 now a pile of ashes scattered on the floor

 There was little  I recognized but was certain it was my life.

I knew in that moment, everything had changed

The reality was that my life would never look the same

For years I strived to form something familiar from the pile of ruins

Yet nothing I created would truly hold its form

 

The faster I would scoop a pile of ashes into my hands

the faster they would fall through my fingertips.

I would escape the dust fill my lungs with air

Only to find myself gasping for my next breath

All of my striving would not form a foundation to build on

Instead, my efforts were stirring the ashes and blinding me

The attempts to create life quickly began drowning me.

I felt suffocated by the weight I was carrying

It was simply too much

 

I would like to say that I recognized this quickly

however, it has taken well over two years to be

still and quiet enough

for the dust to settle and for me to hear the Father telling me to

REST

CEASE STRIVING

STOP FIGHTING

Its Done

 

He has been pressing this into my heart for some time

I simply felt as though I didn't know how to obey

It felt weak to stop

It felt unfaithful to be still

Somewhere in my mind obedience equaled movement

Yet  as I write He whispers to my heart again

Let Go

and

Hand the ashes to me

 

So that is what I've done

 

I lay my life in His hands

It has been there all along

Yet I willingly submit to His will for the formation of this pile

He has already breathed life into me

The scattered and shattered pieces are taking form

They look nothing like they used to and like nothing I would have

expected. There is such beauty in that. He allowed me to strive

He allowed me to build knowing it would crumble

However, He held me knowing that when I stopped and handed

it all to Him willingly, that He would create from these ruins

a story far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

 

One heartbeat at a time

One breath at a time

One step

One smile

One laugh

 

He is bringing beauty from these ashes

 and for that I am grateful

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





The Lord Spoke to Job out of the Storm

"Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm:

 

Brace yourself like a man

I will question you,

and you shall answer me.

Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
Do you have an arm like God's
and can your voice thunder like his?
Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
Unleash the fury of your wrath, look at every
proud man and bring him low.
Look at every proud man and humble him.
crush the wicked where they stand......"
Job 40:6

How I feel His presence so deeply these days. He is speaking to my heart
out of the storm. The chaos abounds and at times threatens to overwhelm.
However, God in his vast love for me is directing my heart to Him.

I found myself these past two days pleading for relief.
Asking God could there be another way
 My steps are weighted, My heart is heavy
and my soul longs for rest. I am tired of the fight.
However,  He speaks to my weary heart
and shows me that His work is not yet complete in me.
He is holding me even now. Though at times I question
His ways. I ultimately trust His heart. His relentless pursuit
of my whole life leaves me speechless. While I grapple
with how hard it has to be I hear Him speaking to me out of the storm.
For that I am grateful

As I read those verses this morning with tears streaming down my
face, I was reminded of Who I am dealing with. He is the Creator of
all. I question His ways because the process is all too painful at times.
Yet it is the pain and the process that will produce fruit that would never
be seen if I were not to walk this step by step. It would be easier at time
to close my eyes and wake up when its all over.
My prayer instead is that I would walk this road with my eyes
wide open. I want to see the mountains that stand in
my path. I want to see the challenge, feel every painful step. There will be
a time to look back and remember where I once was. I pray I stand in awe on
that day as I do on this one. Knowing that God is faithful. Trusting that
even now He is holding me.
Would I truly have it any other way?
Would I take an easier path in order to
gain selfish ground?
I trust that the difficulty of this journey is producing a heart
in me that is one tiny bit closer to His. So, while my body and mind
are weary and long for rest. My heart strengthens under the weight of
this. It is not of me and that is where I find courage, peace and comfort.
It is Christ in me.



 



Even In the VALLEY



 How easily praise spills from the lips of the one standing

on the mountaintop

I've been there many times

Praising the Lord, raising my hands and voice to boldly proclaim

all that He is. 

Telling the world just how good He has been to me

I shout His Name and rejoice in all that He has done
God is the God of the mountaintops right!?!

On those mountaintops I am "satisfied"

I claim to have a heart filled with devotion to Him
 

However, I now find myself asking

Is it true devotion to HIM

or is this devotion only to the One who orchestrates a life void of pain?

 

 

 

Far from the mountaintop is the lowest valley

Where the deafening sound of sorrow and pain fill the air
 

 What happens here?

What becomes of my praise to Him

When the world has taken almost all that made sense
When you feel  the Lord  had a one on one meeting with Satan himself
and asked HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THIS ONE
Will you  lift your hands in praise before the ones who seek you harm
and still proclaim that HE IS GOOD

How my heart has never ached in the way that it does now
My soul at times feels so worn and spent
However, one truth remains
GOD IS STILL GOD
even now

My heart is learning to be truly satisfied in Him alone
I can be hopeful because I know where my hope lies
I can look to my future and say not all is lost
because I know the One that redeems the years the
locusts have eaten.

The reality is that the valley is
UGLY and BROKEN

A far greater reality is that
There is One that makes the broken things of this world
BEAUTIFUL

 

I must say that I can not always see the hand of God right now

but I FEEL Him. I know He is near to me. The valley is filled

with great sorrow but we know that sorrow lasts for the night...and JOY

comes in the morning.

 

Why do we mourn like those who have no HOPE?


I walk this road with confidence because I trust there is purpose in the valley
I pray that at the end of this  I look nothing like I do now
I pray that I am one step closer to the woman that He created me to be

SO today, I lift my hands in praise to Him
I boldly proclaim that HE IS FAITHFUL
He is loving
He is kind
He is close to the brokenhearted and
He is the GOD of my tomorrows
 

 

 

 

 

 

From the Bottom of My Heart

I can not thank each of you enough for all of the love and support that

you have shown over the past week.

 

My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude

 

I have received over 75 messages this week on facebook  

...countless phone calls, texts and emails and have

been attempting to respond to each....however, I've realized today that I can't

do it. Please know that my lack of an individual response is not a

reflection on my appreciation. I deeply appreciate every single kind

word. I have poured over the Scriptures that you have sent. I have

listened to some of the most amazing songs and sermons that so many of

you have suggested. They have flooded my soul with such beautiful

reminders that HE IS FAITHFUL!

 

At this time, I  find myself needing a little time to process.

I also appreciate the lunch, dinner, play date and vacation offers

someone even sent a vodka offer...( you know who you are :)

However, I am not in a place where I am ready for that right now.

I love that you each care enough to offer. Please know how grateful I am

and one day I will be happy to meet and grab a drink...probably diet coke :) but

I will be there one day...its just not today

 

The Lord has been placing some of the most amazing people in my life

for years who are here to walk this road with me.

 I've even added a few by force over the past

little bit :)

He has built around me a mighty fortress of friends and family that can

help carry me through this. Even with the priceless people He has placed

in my life I am having to lean solely on Him. At the end of the

day its just me and the Lord. He is my Sustainer...Strength..and

Comforter. He has to become my EVERYTHING and I have to be willing

to allow that.

 

So, please know that I am well taken care of but I need a little

time to be broken.

 

The greatest thing that you could do for me and my family at this time

is pray. If details elude you, that is most likely because I have not found it

important to share

 

So thank you again for all of your concern, your continual prayers and amazing support

It means the WORLD to me

 

They've always been HIS

 

 

This week I learned that Chloe and Eli will not be coming home

I will give no detail as this is private and very painful
I would appreciate you respecting my privacy during this time
and refrain from asking questions

I know that our journey to these two precious babies has been lived
so publicly. I know so many of you have loved us through each step
of this. Right now, I just ask for time and space.
My heart is breaking

I want each of you to know that I would appreciate your prayers for me
and my family. The losses seem too great.
However, I trust that the Father is working even now
 I trust that He will carry us through this

I choose to TRUST Him
because He faithful

 

He is Faithful

 

 

 

 

As I began this journey to Chloe and Eli I would have

never thought that I'd be sitting here tonight with empty

hands. I truly felt that I would be tucking two more precious

babies in the bed snuggling them close. I had pictured holding

their sweet faces in my hands and telling them every day forever

just how much they are loved. I can close my eyes and picture it now.

I had debated on bedtime songs and had landed firmly on

Jesus Loves Me & You are My sunshine

I wanted them to hear the name of Jesus and I wanted them to KNOW

his love for them...then you are my sunshine because I have been

singing that to my babies since Alyssa was born. Its a classic :)

I knew what I would say to them when I held them for the first time

I couldn't wait to land on DRC soil and know that this was the temporary home

that had held two of the most valuable treasures in my heart.

I can almost feel the weight of them in my arms. Their little hands on my

shoulder and their sweet cheeks pressed against mine. This is the aching heart of

a mommy.

 

I truly believed that the waiting and aching portion of the journey would be over

by now. I had it all planned out. I really did. I had bought them Christmas

pajamas and had hung them in their rooms. They would be home to celebrate

with us and i couldn't wait! Quickly that month faded into the next and into

the next. Now its April and the reality is that my reality is nothing like

I thought it would be.

 

Every day I open my eyes to a new hurt

a new loss has taken place of the one that yesterday brought

At times I sense the waters rising so high and at times they

threaten to overtake me. However, it is now that I cling to Him

While the earth seems to be unsteady and constantly giving way

around me...He is faithful!

Please know that He is good! Even in the midst of the unclear He is so

faithful. He allows the waters to rage yet He gives

a peace in the midst of it all. One that truly passes ALL

understanding.  He alone is good and He

alone is God. We truly live in a fallen world.

Sin affects us all.

 The sins

of others fall on us and change our world forever.

 Children don't come home,

families crumble, people break, wars wage, good people die, friendships end,

...The earth GIVES way

While those things around us seem to come at a rapid pace

and consume us...let us, in our pain, offer a sacrifice of praise to

the Father. For HE is GOOD.

 

I want people to look at my life and know that I believe that

Even when it all seems to fall apart I praise Him for I know He

has not abandoned me

 

I believe with ALL of my heart that God redeems those

places in our lives that seem so very broken.

He makes all things new!